Andrew, she'll assume it's ok to contact OM as long as she says she's not 100% committed. Is this acceptable to you? If so, maybe you should reassess your goals. She obviously does not want to go back to the in-house separation stage, which is good. Any chance you can talk to Jody even if it's one time? I think she would really help.
Ultimately, no it's not okay with me. At some point I will have to draw the line. I'm honestly afraid too. Then again, the other fear I have is that once the holidays have come and gone, she'll file. I need to stop living in that fear. I'm kind of being a doormat. I am going to call and set up a time with Jody tomorrow. Hopefully I can talk with her ASAP.
Last night W had an IC. She checked in to let me know she was there. Not expected. After the appt, she shared some info about the session re: her family of origin, impact on her, and siblings. I simply sat there and listened, including during the pauses with which she then shared more and more. No physical affection from her again at night / cuddling. Today she again has sent some emails and a phone call.
I have noticed many of my work / parent / other family boundaries are generally good and intact. The worst one I have is obviously with W. Am I DBing by not pressuring her re: contact with OM / not bringing up the R, or living in fear / being a doormat (not simply a LBS)?
Andrew, I'm glad you're going to talk to Jody. She's pretty booked, so I hope you get an appointment soon.
I doubt your W will file. She didn't even want to move out! So I wouldn't worry about that.
Think about the roles you and your W are playing. Are you always the one to give, the one to be responsible/caring? Whatever roles you've always had, try to change them a little.
Also, besides listening, if you feel like asking a question, I would go ahead and ask. Asking Qs is part of listening.
I think your W is taking you for granted. She's tested the boundaries and seems to be getting away with a lot of stuff. My H did (is still doing) the same. Your W and my H have a lot of common behaviors. This is why I think talking with Jody will really help.
In regard to you Q about being a doormat vs. DBer, I'm not sure of the answer. I told my H it was no contact or I would file for D. That's why everything turned so sour when I found out he had continued the contact.
Let me know what happens...For now, continue being the best you can be...
Thanks Tori, I figure I have my own credit card and those checks to foot the bill. The challenge may also be when to actually contact Jody. What time zone, if you know?
As far as roles, of course I'm the caring and responsible one. Us great minds think a like. . Suggestions on how to alter my role? She has taken a slight step forward with housework, a little with finances, and if I need to vent about a bad day (work) or the occassional emotional meltdown, she'll listen.
I think she is cakeeating some. I unfortunately cut her slack b/c it does sound like she's making some positive connections about hrself with her IC. Also, many of her friends' troubled Rs are more of they're sticking out for now, so maybe that'll have a soothing effect on her to reconsider working on us.
Regardless I need to better myself for whichever way it goes. A separate boundary issue I have is who am I as an individual apart from W and work. So not just the R boundary, but the self boundary. I never realized how complicated we can be.
Oh, and I did ask a couple gentle, nonR questions. Just to test the waters to see if she'd share, with which she did. Listening, validating, and eye contact with her and so many others I interact with lately has helped overall.
Mini update Last night W was called into a last minute work obligation. She sought out my opinion on how / who to manage the kids til I got home, called me to vent about it, checked in on her way there and called on her way home. "Checked in" at her own free will, no expectation of mine.
Addition to the other night convo regarding her IC. Her IC is in the process of joining our insurance network, so as of now, we're paying out of pocket rate. Yikes. Anywho, W expressed a concern about that, and so my response (as I've read here somewhere), "if it was cancer, we'd pay for the treatment to get you better." She really liked that.
So anwyays, last night she finally made it home. She wanted to journal (Yay!), and I elected to read. Funny thing is I was reading the How to Save Your Marriage book underneath, another book. Had to hide it at one point as she walked in to where I was reading. Lol. Anyways, I dont' totally agree with all of it, but I will say that a lot of makes sense for me / her. My fear / shame tendencies and her anxiety dynamic, as well as, W being my "meaning in life," and due to the sich, feeling lost. Nice validation and stuff for me to work on for me. 8)
Andrew, you had some good news. It all seems positive. Did you make the appointment with Jody? It's good you found a good book. My H had it but I never read it. I have this big collection of marriage-saving books. Ugh. DR was the best.
Yep. It's the book that LaBug suggested. Wish I had more time to actually read more of it. Main thing I keep telling myself that has resonated with me, is that I'm NOT a failure!
I'm hopeful to call in the next few minutes to try and setup an appt with Jody.
Last night we all went to S7s Christmas school play. W has been fairly nice, even reached out and rubbed my back for a moment. She was going to journal last night while I worked out, but fell asleep. She said she isn't feeling good sickness, but to be honest, I think a lot of has to do with the depression she is now dealing with. That too makes it a bit easier for me to try to continue to love her from a distance. I'll check back later on. Hope all is well with everyone!
Called and spoke with Karen briefly. Jody and I might not be able to talk until next Friday per her schedule / mine. Karen did say there was a Joanne available for tomorrow afternoon.
. Suggestions on how to alter my role? She has taken a slight step forward with housework, a little with finances, and if I need to vent about a bad day (work) or the occassional emotional meltdown, she'll listen. 