It's been almost a week since my first reply, and still nothing posted. I'm guessing moderators are busy at Christmas, too. I'm hoping this eventually gets posted.
I couldn't keep it in anymore. As she was getting ready to head back to the hospital, I asked her to shut the bedroom door and lie down for a minute. My D had just told me how W had parked the car away from the convenience store window when they stopped for drinks. And once inside, W told her to go back to the car and not look. D thought it was quite funny that W was buying Christmas presents at the convenience store. I figured I knew what she was really buying: smokes. And I wasn't too thrilled about her taking such a chance with D around. I had just offered a couple days ago to get her a pack since she didn't appear to have a chance, but she turned me down without any other comment.
Why don't you let me help? I'm feeling left out, pushed away during this crisis with Grandma's last days, and that's building on years of feeling that way generally. I miss you.
She acknowledged my feelings, missed me, too. Turns out she did buy some special candy, so she has a cover story. She did buy smokes, too. She explained that she's trying to just get through the days with routine stuff only because if she stops to think about anything else, she's going to have a big cry and become even more exhausted than she already is. Fair enough. She promised that we will talk about us and smoking and everything later. I felt a lot better with the reassurance, and had a decent night's sleep.
Glad to see most of my posts show up. Interesting that they now appear when I wrote/submitted them rather than when they made it through moderation. One I sent on Sunday is still missing. The ones before it and one after it have come through. Wonder what happened to it?
Hey, neighbour... and I mean that almost literally.
Although I do not know anyone about my age with a mom who is very sick and two kids... well, just saying, if you are south of the lakes and east of Portage, we're pretty darned close enough to be neighbours.
Anyhow, I just wanted to chime in quick. You've got a lot of good support and Accuray is great ol'timer. I've read your first post here and just wanted to let you know, I feel your pain.
My W was an absent spouse for most of our M, although she has a different story to tell. That said, it is really good you are taking a solid lead on this and working on yourself and the M, that will help bring things back around.
I have to read the rest of your posts and will make comments, later.
I truly, truly hope that your W does engage with you on this journey. After reading the 5LL's, I did figure out both mine and W's, but no matter what I did it didn't seem to help bring us closer. There are a few things I've learned:
Women sometimes like to be pursued, but other times will find it unattractive. The difference seems to be in how much they value you -- if they think you're a prize they will like your pursuit, and if they don't they won't, which goes back to "work on you" and be the most attractive person you can be.
I say this because actively working on providing her "love language" can look like pursuit, and if you haven't set the stage properly for that to be welcomed, you're going to be spinning your wheels. What often happens when you spin your wheels is that you get stuck more deeply.
Secondly, one concept not discussed in the 5LL's, but covered in "His Needs, Her Needs" is "Lovebusters" -- there is a follow-on book just on this topic. The idea is this -- if there is something about you that is annoying or antagonizing your W, then *nothing* you do will fill her love tank because there is a blocker in place. Until you figure out and remove the blocker, you won't be able to get anywhere. Therefore, concentrating on her needs is applying your energy in the wrong place.
Figuring out the lovebuster(s) can be difficult because often she won't be aware of exactly what they are or able to articulate them for you. It's a process of discovery.
Good luck to you, you are definitely going in the right direction and seeking to work on the right things.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
And maybe some ideas on what her PLL might be that I can work on in the meantime.
Women LOVE taking emotional tests and quizzes. My W was already packing and moving stuff to her new place when I asked her if she wanted to take a test to find out what her PLL was and she readily agreed. I read the questions and answers to her while she was doing other stuff and let her tell me which option she chose. At the end I calculated it up and told her what her PLL was, then read a little to her about it. And of course in doing so, I found out what her PLL was too.
Thanks, Kaffe, appreciate the support. I'm kinda glad my circumstances don't sound too familiar - anonymity's important for this kinda stuff! Still, it's good to know there's some posters who're closer to home.
Thanks for the tip. I hadn't come across this Lovebusters idea yet. I do have His Needs, Her Needs on its way to me. In fact, I ordered a box full of relationship books in a boxing day sale online. I finished the four books I got from the library. Decided to hold off reading more since they just get my mind racing, and I don't have much outlet (ie, W not ready to discuss) for it right now. But I'm looking forward to diving into the new ones. I've also ordered my own copies of the two library books I really liked: SSM and 5LL. I'll re-read them, and hopefully get W to try them out.
Yeah, I'm hoping she does. If she doesn't have time to read a book, maybe she'll at least have 10 minutes to do a 5LL quiz. I found one on Chapman's website. Are there others?
Mother-in-law passed away a couple days ago. W and father-in-law kept up a 24 hour vigil for about a week at the hospital, had about two dozen false alarms where they said their goodbyes, very exhausting physically and emotionally. I'm doing everything I can think of to be supportive. Big one is give lots of space, don't make demands.
Next day we're in the kitchen, alone. She's poking in the cupboard while telling me something. I pull her over, put my arm around her while she continues. I forget what it was, nothing too deep, kind of an update. Then she pushes my arm away, says I can't touch her. She'd started to cry. Says something like "I like it, but I feel too close to you, so I can't get close to you or I'll cry all day."
Today I come out of the shower, and find her still in her robe after her shower. I step over and playfully pull her robe open. She immediately pulls it shut and says no way, firm, ain't having none of that. I leave the room, don't say anything, finish in the bathroom, and head off to a computer, shut the door. She comes in shortly, says she's not in a good place right now, starts to say something again about being close to me, but can't finish. Starts to cry. I tell her I'm trying to leave her alone, but it's difficult. She agrees. I tell her to have her space, just give me a kiss now and then. She agrees, kisses.
God, this is difficult. So it boils down to this for her:
I love you, but don't touch me, don't talk to me about anything meaningful, don't spend quality time with me or I'm not going to hold it together.
So what am I supposed to make of this? Is there such thing as an anti-love language? Sounds like that's what she wants. Is this a good thing that she feels so prone to breakdown if she begins to enter anything that looks like intimacy with me?
Banjopicker, just read your topic. My advice is - forget about R talk. Your W is going through a rough patch and rather than helping her out you are putting pressure on her. Read your books, come to the forum to vent, but don't talk to her.
Instead, be there for her - cater to her needs, participate in her mourning and whatever else she is going through. Be compassionate, and helpful. Get her what she needs. I am sure she needs a lot of help with stuff - funeral and other arrangements - participate, even organize those. Acknowledge that she and her family are mourning, and they probably need to take care of that stuff. Just be there for her. Romantic time can come later.
