Just had email discussion with husband. He seems to think it would be better if he was with D13 while I do full time school in September. Granted she would be alone for 30 minutes in the morning and maybe one hour max at night, but she is responsible and I have friends and neighbours who will watch out for her. She can also go to a friend's after school on the days I am late because of night class.
H has been angling to get back into house, now he says D could go to school in MOntreal. And he is disappointed I won't consider alternatives. I said I am disappointed he will not consider alternatives like sharing the house, so we could both have some time there and share the space in MOntreal.
This all started with an email I sent to say I could cover my car payment etc this month (I am SAHM working part time). He said I am meeting with lawyer in January to figure out payments.
I said to just send any papers to my lawyers (well known ball breakers) and he replied "You already saw one?" I said that just because I love you fiercely does not mean I hid my head in the sand. I had to understand spousal and child support, patrimony etc.
He has moved on so quickly, but now wants to be a father? and only to one? Since the other is away at school starting September?
I have a lot of hurt and anger that he has moved on so quickly, but now wants to take everything I cherish as well-my role as mother, my home. Wasn't having my heart, my self esteem enough? Do you want everything??
I don't blame you for feeling angry about your H wanting D13. Hold your ground regarding what YOU feel is best for your D.
I love this... "I said to just send any papers to my lawyers (well known ball breakers) and he replied "You already saw one?" I said that just because I love you fiercely does not mean I hid my head in the sand. I had to understand spousal and child support, patrimony etc."
Believe me if the time comes when I feel I need to protect myself I will consult a L so me & my boys don't end up w nothing-no money and no home to live in. (I don't believe in my heart that my H would do this, but then again, I didn't believe he could EVER have an A...and he has.)
Stay strong & stay focused at to your goals for you & the girls.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
My lawyer always said that they will be very generous at the beginning and when someone else enters picutre will start to back off. I should have signed an agreement in September.:(
I will do what I have to to protect us and I will learn to let this go too....
More to this: Remember, he lied about seeing someone else, and I do not know if he lied before we broke up. I hope not, but I suspect feelings for someone else were there. I have given him the option of sharing the house- we will have an extra room, but that doesn't interest him. So D13 is not his biggest concern, is only the concern when I am out of the picture totally-so I have to ask myself why? If he worked here, it would make absolute sense and even though it would kill me, me moving to city to complete my schooling would be the best solution. D would have someone here in morning and when she cam home (or shortly after).
But he doesn't live here, and he travels as well, so I do smell some ulterior motive and I do not know what. It may be monetary at this point. My thought is basically-you wanted this, you got it. I wanted differently.
Now, I need help in remaining non confrontational, non murderous and non scathing. Someone please channel Mother Theresa for me.
I also presented D13 with the options today. I hesitated because I didn't want it to feel like I was manipulating her.
I said 1) Status quo-although you will be alone a bit in morning and one hour at night. 2) Live with Dad in city- go to different school (that was a big no right away. Reason I am staying put is for D stability)
3) Dad lives here, Mum moves to city, but Mum cannot come back to house and you would see me weekends like Dad (H has said if he moves me out (!) I am out for good.I didn't tell her this though I phrased it like above)
She said that it had been me, her and S16 for all our lives and she is good with seeing Dad every second weekend. She gets to spend more time with him now than before split!!
I told her that that was my choice too and I didn't think I could move away from her. (S16 is off to school somewhere else)
I guess it is NC for me and will update come Friday as H is coming out to drop some stuff off. I hate this s#$t......
Met with lawyer today. She said that he is looking around and it is beginning to sink in just how much it will cost him. She said to file for D so it is in the courts out here, where she knows the judges. I said I was not ready, but had her prepare the mandate.
I texted H with the name of a mediator and asked if he would prefer this route to the lawyer he was going to see. He texted back that yes, he would, he felt it would be better for all of us instead of the legal route. And that we could start in March when my schedule was easier.
I did not mention that I met again with lawyer today, just to clarify some things concerning custody and primary residence. It was just to put my own mind at ease and it is.
Funny, now I am thinking that D is where this is headed, I have been able to let go a little more. The fact that he is willing to wait until March is encouraging and saddening-since he wants to be accomodating, but obviously doesn't see his mind changing. Well, it is another 3.5 months away on the journey.
He texted me about a post D had made about losing her Mom and I assured him she was just vunerable right now and it was just one of those teen posts, you know? He admitted that he feels he has lost her, but said he will be there when she is ready to come back around. He said he and S16 have had several conversations and S seems good with everything. Sometimes he really lives in his own little world, I think. S is good with everything because he won't open up. Am keeping an eye out
So a friend confirmed who H is "seeing". It is as I suspected. A separated mutual friends wife. We didn't know them very well but H and ow's H belonged to same organization. Funny thing is she is very active- running cyclist, etc surfs and H although has tired to keep in shape has never been his thing. I have always been pretty athletic and now he is running cycling etc.
Thoughts anyone? Funnily I am in an okay place. I believe he is getting what he needs from her and that is okay. I wish I had been able to but I couldn't and wouldn't. If I could rewind I would love more and bitch less. I would not make sex contingent on my emotional state all the time. I would communicate more.
I don't know how I will handle seeing her because she said to a mutual friend oh I guess we will be skiing together this season. Which means H will be with her at our hill with all our friends ( most of which are a little upset with him anyway) and our kids will be there and so will I Please grant me the ability to do this gracefully.
I may just be a little numb so if my next post is looking a little rollercoasterish you will all know why !
Kids and finances. That is all. Kids and finances. I have to remember he lies. A lot. So when I say he is welcome to come to movie with us and he says thanks we will see he could mean" no I am bringing ow to friends place out in country this weekend and cAnt come
What should I say about kids? S16 knows and says he is fine with it. D13 does not know and will know shortly because she is at hill every weekend. How do I deal with that?
It has occurred to me that you would most probably want to ski with OW this winter. Myself, I would like it if you could not ski when the children are present. I think that it should be their time with you and not have to share it with anyone else. I realize that D is there both days except four race days, but I could take her to her races thereby freeing up some time for you to ski.
We are still legally married, even though we have separated and moved on. While I am happy for for, I do not think this sends the right message, at this point, to the kids, even though they also want you to be happy. If you and OW decide to move in together or become a very serious couple, of course the children will have to be introduced.
If you could keep your time with the kids just your time with the kids, I would really appreciate and I know the kids would too. D was saying how much time she gets to spend with you now and it has been the most time she has spent with you in her life.
I think this is a reasonable request, since you and OW can be together 6 out of 7 days during the weeks of the winter. You could also ski elsewhere in this area etc.
I would really appreciate it if you would think this over and get back to me with some thoughts on the matter.
I found out from a mutual friend , as I said, who the OW is. and while I am glad the H has found someone, it still hurts a lot to me. I seem to be a little more detached today, but the above email represents a boundary that I think the children need. Talked to S and he was speaking of moving in with H when S starts school. I said that you have to be prepared that your Dad will have a girlfriend. He said I have thought of that. I said good, but what if you don't like her? He said, "Then I will tell her". Sounds like his head is pretty firmly affixed. However, if he goes to live in city with H and H has girlfriend live in, I do not know how I feel about still being married and H living with someone else?
On Dec 12, 2012, at 05:04 AM, Robert Matthew <rrtmatthew@me.com> wrote: > I can understand some of your concerns. Introducing Marie-Claude to the children will be done at an appropriate time but at a time of my choosing. I am still their father and I think I have been a good father to them. I am disappointed that you would think otherwise or that you felt a need to advise me. > The children need to understand that although our marriage has only recently ended that it has been over for a long time. It is difficult for them to understand when you tell them that you love me but you can't control how people feel or stop them from doing what they want to do. This tells them that I am solely responsible for our breakup and I do not believe it is fair. If you are honest with yourself you would admit that you have not been happy either for a very long time. > > > > You chose this year to ski at the mountain every Saturday knowing that we would be in social situations constantly. This also sends a message to the children that may be conflicting. To avoid this I have changed my times and given up a part of my life that I enjoy and have always enjoyed to accommodate your choice. Owls head was one thing that was always mine and in an effort not to cause confusion or send the wrong message I have given it to you. > > I will always make choices that are in the best interest of the children. I always have. But they will be my choices. If you ever trusted me I ask that you respect and trust my decisions now.
It is hard for me to trust you because you have been lying to me, however, I would never advise you on how to proceed, it is just how I feel, and feel about the children. Absolutely I take responsibility for my part in the marriage, but it is the truth that I love you and it is the truth that I wanted to try to work on the marriage. To all my friends I have been blunt and honest in my part in the dissolution of the marriage-very blunt and the fact that it takes effort to make a relationship work, effort from both parties. I have also said that the decision for you to leave was not mine and I also have said that when you love someone, you do not want to see them unhappy. I also haven't been happy, but it did not mean that I didn't love you and it did not mean I wanted out of the marriage. So, for me to say it was mutual would be a lie.
I choose to ski Saturdays with the Adaptive program because this is something I have wanted to do for a couple of years. You skiing Saturdays would not have affected the children and would not have been conflicting at all. They see us having coffee, or talking, why should seeing us both at the hill be any different? In your last post-you said that you did not even want to be at OH anymore, because you were tired of the crap,
I beg to differ on best choices for the children, as you left, and would not even consider staying for the kids or the impact it had on them. Kiera is currently doing a skit for Christmas where the father left and doesn't get to see all the important things that happen in his daughter's life. So, in this instance, you did not do what was best for kids, because we could have worked something out to co exist for Kiera's next few years. Do not misunderstand me please. You put your happiness first and I do not resent you for it, I only think that it was not the best choice when it came to the children. You are solely responsible for leaving Rob, you are not solely responsible for the trouble in the marriage
On Dec 12, 2012, at 05:04 AM, wrote: > I can understand some of your concerns. Introducing to the children will be done at an appropriate time but at a time of my choosing. I am still their father and I think I have been a good father to them. I am disappointed that you would think otherwise or that you felt a need to advise me. > The children need to understand that although our marriage has only recently ended that it has been over for a long time. It is difficult for them to understand when you tell them that you love me but you can't control how people feel or stop them from doing what they want to do. This tells them that I am solely responsible for our breakup and I do not believe it is fair. If you are honest with yourself you would admit that you have not been happy either for a very long time. > > > > You chose this year to ski at the mountain every Saturday knowing that we would be in social situations constantly. This also sends a message to the children that may be conflicting. To avoid this I have changed my times and given up a part of my life that I enjoy and have always enjoyed to accommodate your choice. ski place was one thing that was always mine and in an effort not to cause confusion or send the wrong message I have given it to you. > > I will always make choices that are in the best interest of the children. I always have. But they will be my choices. If you ever trusted me I ask that you respect and trust my decisions now.
It is hard for me to trust you because you have been lying to me, however, I would never advise you on how to proceed, it is just how I feel, and feel about the children. Absolutely I take responsibility for my part in the marriage, but it is the truth that I love you and it is the truth that I wanted to try to work on the marriage. To all my friends I have been blunt and honest in my part in the dissolution of the marriage-very blunt and the fact that it takes effort to make a relationship work, effort from both parties. I have also said that the decision for you to leave was not mine and I also have said that when you love someone, you do not want to see them unhappy. I also haven't been happy, but it did not mean that I didn't love you and it did not mean I wanted out of the marriage. So, for me to say it was mutual would be a lie.
I choose to ski Saturdays with the Adaptive program because this is something I have wanted to do for a couple of years. You skiing Saturdays would not have affected the children and would not have been conflicting at all. They see us having coffee, or talking, why should seeing us both at the hill be any different? In your last post-you said that you did not even want to be at ski place anymore, because you were tired of the crap,
I beg to differ on best choices for the children, as you left, and would not even consider staying for the kids or the impact it had on them. D is currently doing a skit for Christmas where the father left and doesn't get to see all the important things that happen in his daughter's life. So, in this instance, you did not do what was best for kids, because we could have worked something out to co exist for Kiera's next few years. Do not misunderstand me please. You put your happiness first and I do not resent you for it, I only think that it was not the best choice when it came to the children. You are solely responsible for leaving H, you are not solely responsible for the trouble in the marriage
