In total despair

[swoop]

I've read DR a couple times.

[swoop]

The wife is running a 1/2 marathon this weekend. My daughter and I had planned to go out with "Go Mom" signs to support her from the sidelines. I would like to hear some thoughts about this, good idea or not?

[adinva]

I think that would be a nice gesture because it's involving your daughter in supporting her mom's achievement.

You may want to back off afterward to keep it just friendly and not pursuing.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks, Denver. I know I am my worst enemey with my erratic behavior. Emotions are the cause. I am generally a very grounded individual. Behavior like this is so unlike me.

Denver, looking at your signature, does this mean you have reconciled?

My W and I have reconciled and are working on piecing.

[swoop]

I would by lying, if I didn't say that gives me hope, Denver.

Thanks

[swoop]

Well,

I think my fight might be over. I have been working on my 180's and things seemed to be leveling off slightly, when the inevitble happened. My wife found out that I confronted the OM and had been speaking with her friends. Of course, things went from bad to worse and and now she has told me that she is DONE. She does not want me to contact her at all, unless it is in regards to our Daughter. I feared this might happen, and it did. However, I couldn't just let an affair take place without taking some sort of action. The OM still maintains that their relationship was purely innocent. I beleive him. However, they were forming a bond and I beleive my wife would have eventually wanted more. Unfortunately, a family member that I confided in (wifes brother) was the one who spilled the beans about me tracking her phone calls and confronting OM. At this point, I am not sure how to handle my situation. It is pretty grim. I don't know if I should try to continue my 180's in hopes that her anger will subside. Or, should I just move forward and ask her to leave the house and take away all financial support. Either way, I beleive she is probably not coming back. I am very distraught over this. I had such faith that we would eventually come back together.

[AnotherStander]

Well,

I think my fight might be over. I have been working on my 180's and things seemed to be leveling off slightly, when the inevitble happened. My wife found out that I confronted the OM and had been speaking with her friends.

Well it's a huge setback to be sure. Basically you're starting over again. Whatever trust you may have built up is now gone. You ask if you should continue your 180's, of course you should because they are for YOU. DB'ing is all about improving yourself so that you are a better person whether you reconcile or not. And there is still a chance of reconciliation, but it's going to take many months or work.

Here are some things I posted to you a couple of pages back, I'm pasting it here not as an "I told you so" but to help you realize what your wife is thinking right now:

I asked him to do it in a way that hopefully leaves me out of the equation. He said he would come up with a solution, and he did not want to add any stress to our situation. He wants his own wife back, and he wants me to have mine. I am placing a lot of trust in him. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me.

Of course it will. This is just setting up for disaster. Your W will find out what you're doing at some point, and she will say "yup, he's the same controlling, manipulative person he's always been, I don't know why I thought he could change." Your best course of action right now is to back away from this. Quit talking to the guy.

I also gathered some information from a close friend of my wife and I. He spoke with her, and he feels the situation is basically what I suspected.

This could also be harmful, because since this is a mutual friend it WILL get back to your W that you were fishing for info. More controlling behavior. It is OK to talk to mutual friends, but NOT about the R. Talk to them about how great you are doing, what your GAL activities are, how good you feel and how much fun you're having. THAT is the kind of info you want getting back to your W, not that you're sad, lonely, depressed and pumping everyone you know for little rays of hope. The former will make your W realize you're detaching and she may very well start worrying she'll lose you. The latter will just reaffirm her belief that leaving you is the right thing to do.

So the bottom line is she thought you were controlling and manipulative before, and now these actions make her feel she was right. So where you go from here is to do the OPPOSITE of controlling and manipulative. Think about what that means in your sitch, and post it here so we can help you verify your course of action is correct. Part of your answer is in my post copied in above- when you talk to friends and family you focus on YOU and our GAL activities, NOT your W and NOT your M or R.

[swoop]

Last night my wife started hammering me, via text,about how many times I have spoken with a friend of hers in the last couple weeks, someone I have been confiding in. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of catching her friend in a lie, and I simply expressed to my wife that everyone around us, our true friends and family, are concerned and wish only the best for us. I told her we're not enemies, and it seems like she is just looking for people that will tell her, "dump that guy". I said to her, that none of our true friends and family are going to tell her that, because they all know that is not right. She feels everyone is against her and that she can't trust anyone. I told her that comes from within herself, and that at some point in time she will have the clarity to see that I, along with our friends and families, are stating that she is making the worst choice in her life, because it will actually be the worst choice in her life. It is plain and simple. Of course, that all fell on def ears.

In regards to my 180's, I am not exactly sure where to go. I realize I need to button my lip and stop confiding in friends and family about our sitch. I guess I just need to move on and forget about her for the time being. How I interact with her from now on, I am not sure. I realize I shouldn't be cold, but how much attention I give her, I am not sure about. Do I answer her texts? Do I tell her she looks pretty when I pick up my daughter. Do I allow her to ask for favors. She just asked 2 days ago if I could have my Mother watch our daughter for a few hours while she was visiting family. Should I have simply told her, "find a baby sitter"?

[swoop]

Here is my 180 plan:
I am going to approach my wife tonight. I am going to express that I agree with her, our Marriage is beyond repair. I am going to apologize for "stalking her". I am also going to say that I do not want to leave this relationship, not being friends. I am going to bring her a peace offering (Chia tea latte) and suggest that we try to be friends from now on, simply friends. I will add that we have a great daughter and I would really like to co-parent her the best we can. At that point, I am going to leave her alone. In a week or so, I might ask her to tag along on a friendly outing, which she will undoubtedly decline....a week or two later, I will try again.

Hopefully, by taking the guilt and pressure off of reconciling and the actual marriage itself, we can start to rebuild a friendship. I will keep it light. I will keep it healthy. I will keep it easy going. This is my plan....

[MrBond]

Umm this is a horrible idea.

DO NOT agree with her. You can agree to the spirit of her being angry, but you are perfectly valid to feel the way you did. She was not open to you, therefore you went looking for answers on your own.

And STOP trying to ask her out. She doesn't want to be near you right now.

That's why I asked if you read DR or DB. You don't seem to be following anything and all you're doing is sticking your foot in your mouth.

Did you really want to save your M?