Andrew, I agree with what Labug and Busting said. Don't feel bad about what happened. Your W had an A, and she's still texting the OM, so anyone would've felt the same in a similar sitch. Just try to be prepared for next time these feelings come so you have an outlet other than calling your W.
I remember being obsessed about checking my H's calls and even thinking about installing a tracking software in his computer. Never did it, but thought about it. One day I looked at his odometer, and he had driven xtra 10 miles the night he went to hockey--the exact mileage to go to the OW's house and back. When I asked him about this, he was outraged and angry. I explained how hard this was for me. I think all these things definitely damaged our R even more :-(
I'm trying....I'm trying. Now that I'm back from the store, she's more distant from me. So I'm not sure how BIG of a mistake that was. Definitely a day to "act as if".
Should I offer an apology or wait for her to say something?
Hey. Quick check in after the party--started early, ended early.
I would not apologize but tell her that you noticed she's been distant and have been wondering if it's bc of the way you reacted. Then if she says yes, I would try to explain how you're going through the process of trusting her again, and how it'll take time. Make sure she doesn't feel as though she's the bad person. Guilt should never be induced by you. Bottom line, definitely bring it up. At least that's my take. I hope I'm right :-)
Well, I could have honestly done nothing. That would have prevented the mess that I've started. I could have phoned a friend, albeit late, to simply talk. I could have posted here. I did try reading, but it didn't help.
You were obsessing, and causing yourself pain. For some reason we think that if we cause ourselves pain about some "thing" that may happen, it will make things easier or we can solve the problem when the actual thing (whatever that is) happens.
But as you found, that doesn't work. You drove yourself to a frenzy and then overreacted to a small problem. You could do all those things you mentioned but you still have the problem of inflicting this pain on yourself when in an uncertain situation.
When this comes up again, think. Name the problem: Wife Is Out Late. Outcomes and affect on you: She's with friends (OK) She's with OM (unhappy) She's been in an accident (unhappy) She's on her way home right now (OK) Any of these have a chance of being correct along with other possibilities.
And here's the kicker, we have no control which it actually is, so why obsess about those that cause pain. Let it go. This has very little to do with what our S is doing but has a lot to do with how we let our minds get out of control. We react from a primitive place instead of responding from our higher brain.
You're obsessing about something that's taking place in your mind so you can also turn that around and train yourself to NOT obsess over things over which you have no control.
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Boundaries with W? The main one that is in place is OM not bring a FB friend. I've said NC, but she's still texting him.
(())so it wasn't really a boundary. Do you want it to be? What was the consequence?
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Other than that I can't think of any other specific boundaries. There have been R expectations such as sharing in finances and housework, but those arent the kind of boundaries we are talking about right? I obviously need a little guidance in developing more for my own protection....where do I start? :S
Where you start is "Who is Andrew?" Who do you want to be as a father, a husband, a member of society? Have that vision of yourself and project it to the world.
And that's where your boundaries come from, those things that are non-negotiable in your soul.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Tori, As I read your comment, a knot developed in my stomach due to my shame and embarrassment of discussing this. She continued to be somewhat withdrawn and lightly talkative the remainder of the night. She did choose to sleep in our bed (part of me thought she'd go upstairs), but we didn't not cuddle / snuggle. She kept to her side.
LaBug, I agree and logically I "now" see that. It's in the moments that I drive myself crazy. I will have to try your strategy of naming the problem and possible outcomes.
My initial boundary of NC is if / when she wants to work on the R. THe consquence of him being a friend on FB was not sleeping in the same bed. I upheld that and so did she. She has a loophole as she's not 100% committed to us. Honestly, I don't know of the consequence due to the ambiguity of the current sich. I'll have to start thinking of my individual boundaries and what I want. Thank you for the starting point Bug.
Oh and as far as me emotionally / thought process...etc. This morning I've been running the gammit of all of them (positive and negative). Trying to settle myself down and become more balanced.
W texted, called, and has sent me several emails thus far. Hope?
What is the ambiguity in your R and are you OK with that? This is unclear to me.
There are 2 types of boundaries, emotional and physical. It sounds like you are also having trouble with the emotional boundaries if you're up and down in several hours based on texts or calls or maybe I'm misreading your post above.
That's where detachment comes in and while time is an important factor, it also takes mental work on letting go.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, Ambiguity in the R in the sense of what role(s) we have. We're no longer enemies, not 100% working on our M, somewhere in between. Friends I guess?
My range of emotions and thoughts were independent of the texts / emails from W. Those were added to my post to share that she has been initiating some contact. "Hope?" was in reference to maybe didn't screw as bad as I thought.
Tori, NC was if we were to work on our M 100%. The loophole is that she has pulled back from the 100%.
Hope that clarifies a few things regarding the ambiguity
