Patience, validation and boundaries, firm but with love not anger.
Everyone backslides and the lies confound us LBS because the truth would be less destructive and easier to deal with.
Lies are an attempt to hide their own shame and guilt. They will have to address that themselves some day, but it will be easier to rationalize if they are confronted with anger and hostility.
Best of luck to you to find peace with your decision.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Ultimately we did talk it out and I did bring her stuff back in. I did apologize but I also don't accept being lied too about the kids. This wasn't about OM, this was about our kids, which I got angry.
The thing is I was also under a lot of stress. Working from home, raising 3 kids, juggling all the household duties. She being gone for the majority of the week. The kids asking me questions about where mom is, me having to cover it up.
No matter how detach you get, life pressures still catch up.
I also know I may have taken 2 steps back. Which I am okay with, I already been at the bottom. No where to go but up.
I still standby that I what her happy.....but not at the expense of our kids. It's one of those moments where I felt anger.
But I learned something, she can't anger me anymore with OM, but I am still fragile when it comes to our kids.
I rather have 50/50 custody but right now my W is not mentally and physically health. She gets like 10 hours a sleep the whole week. I know she is under stress and I been telling her, she needs to focus on her health and stop worrying about everything.
My concern is, if she had all 3 kids and fell asleep while driving or while home watching them or etc....
She is a great mom, just right now she is going through her tough times.
The last thing i want to see is something happen on her time with the kids and live with the guilt.
I want our kids to have their mom...I won't deny that. But I do need to do what I think is best for the kids based on current scenario.
She would do the same, if I was not capable.
Not revenge or hate in this....seems like it, but its not.
My W has spent a few days away from home. Its lonely I have to say, because well I never been alone for 15 years. My kids keep me busy right now but I do miss adult interaction. Everytime i talk to my friend or family...they just want to ask me that dreaded question "How are you feeling", which then leads to a rant...........
I have to say, there are some nice things about not having to worry about the sitch but I also learned, i still got alot of lingering pain around and how much i still miss her. Which is okay because i know even if I am getting more detach, the pain, the love will always be there in some form of fashion till "rope is dropped"
I been doing the best Dad routine. I cooked alot of meals, did alot of single parent activities with my kids. Its awesome and rewarding but at the same time very tiring on my body. Those boys keep me busy.
The only problem i have with me playing fulltime parent is..once the child custody (schedule happens)...I am going to really miss my boys. Only seeing them 50% of the time, is going to kill me....especially since i become a great dad and learned to priortiy my life around my family instead of work. Some of my feelings is anger towards my W because I will only be seeing my kids 50% less...another milestone i will have to deal with when the time comes.
Milestones for me D-day - Check Seperation talks - Check Divorce Talks - Check Spouse moving out - Check Alone (adult) - Check Child custody talks -In progress Spouse says she will visit OM in Dec- In progress Divorce finalized. - TBD Every single crappy holiday - Thanksgiving..next christmas and new years and S-5 Birthday
Just when you think you couldn't feel any worse, another road bump...
So what other dreaded milestones am i missing and I need to mentally and physically prepare myself???
And I dropped another 5lbs...which is odd since I am eating...But i do look good since i been working out. I figure muscles would add more weight.
My W came back last night to stay over with the kids. I cooked a nice meal, setup a bath.
While she was in the bath, about an hour later I asked her if she was coming down to spend time with the kids because they are about to go to sleep. She responded with a feisty remark.
I try telling her, I was simply asking a question and didn't mean interrupt her. I think I must caught her in the act of texting the OM. She was defensive to my question about coming down to spend time with the kids.
I got upset because anytime she needs to take her anger out, I am the one she steps on. I told her, it's not fair that I am the one who get stepped on when she gets in a bad mood.
Her emotions are controlling me.....she tells me she is not sure what to do....a few months ago she sounded really sure about leaving. I am trying to not let this affect me. But having to hear my W say, she is not sure what to do now, is nerve whacking.
I keep asking myself, do I really want to be in limbo? I want to stick to my 6 month plan but at the same time I read about how others used Plan B to go dark and it might be best for me.
I begin worrying about my kids....right now I been pretty much a full time dad. The feeling that I might not see them everyday scares me.........I can't detach from my kids. They are so young and I feel like I would be missing a lot of little things in their life...........
I hate how not only do I have to deal with my W life changing event but it forces me to lose precious time with my kids. I know I screwed up in our marriage but do I really deserve not seeing my kids everyday....
I can't stop thinking about it......
My W and I haven't started our children schedule yet......I am trying to stall it....
Lost I was the same way. My S19 and S17 are my everything. I could not stand the thought of not seeing them everyday when they were as young as yours. Yea, they get on your nerves sometimes, but they are worth it in every way! Hold on to them for as long as you can and don't use them againist each other!
Hugs to you!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
just when I am detaching my W tells me she may need surgery.........i knew her health wasn't good since this all started...but surgery may take her 6 weeks to recover...
