That's what I thought too about focusing too much on the negative, but it, at least for me, has been a nice way to purge in the morning and occassionally throughout the day if needed. BTW, you're funny too.
6. I understand hid POV, and I know it's something they each have to experience, but want to pave the road a bit so they can at least have a better chance at going down that road. 7. I don't have a solo account. I added her to everything years ago. Guess it is time to open one just so I don't have them laying around.
Her night out is so she can have space / fun? And we haven't set an us night. Honestly since she's withdrawn from the 100% to whatever % now, I'm not even sure what or how you classify our R. I don't want to directly bring it up, yet would obviously like some clarity.
Andrew, I wouldn't worry about the R with your parents too much. Yes, keep things positive, but if you and your W fix your M, they will have to eventually soften up.
Yes, open that solo account. Even if a M is great, I think it's important to have.
My H went from 100% committed to 80% committed before he announced he wanted a D. He loves percentages. Don't bring this up yet. My coach says that we need to convey we are comfortable with the ambiguity. Maybe you can start initiating outings for the two of you. If she says no, don't make a big deal out of it. If you need your own night out, then go ahead and have it. Your GALing needs to continue. I know it's so not clear now, but it'll become clearer with time.
I haven't brought up the R and it's current ambiguity. Today I like to think that I have coneyed an okayness. She's out doing some Christmas shopping. She's called to check in / ask a few questions so far. Before she left, I did ask about "our" shopping trip and she still wants to. Next Sunday I think. I do need continue my GALing. Meetup hasn't worked out for me yet. I need to find an out of the house hobby / interest of some sort. One that can continue for as long as I want to keep me taking care of me.
Meetup didn't work for me, either, but I've made new friends through a hiking club. Maybe there's something like that in your area (or another club focused on an activity you enjoy.) Here in CT most meetups are attended by older folks (50'), mostly divorced.
I've continued listening to the book, and she is talking about resistance vs. surrender. This is what Wayne D preaches, and I completely agree. What you resist becomes stronger. That's why I don't like it when I feel resistance. "Let go and let God," correct?
So I failed my test of detachment. I backslid. I let my insecurity and tiredness of this whole sich get the worse of me. Last night I texted her and didn't get a response. So I then texted her and asked if she was with OM. she called, she said no, we Hung up on each other. I went to sleep. Evidently she texted and called me but I didn't hear. At first it was stop freaking out, don't do anything stupid, and ended with a I knew you couldn't get past this. So this am I told her my volume was down and that didn't hear the texts / calls. That I need her help to get past this if we are to have a chance.
Ugh. I'm so mad at myself and don't care. Confusion going wild on what I want. And not looking forward to having deal with this when she finally comes back.
That's pretty much what I did. Became my own worse enemy - lost focus of me and the kids. Part of the reason was that she mirrored many of the OM days. Looked really good and was withdrawn / short with me. As far as when she gets back, at some point I will apologize for being human in a difficult sich. Confidently share triggers.
As far as getting out of the cycle of torturing myself, I guess I need regive things to the higher power, and do my best to practice what I've been preaching about letting things actually play out. Thoughts / tips? ..and thanx LaBug. I need(ed) to hear from someone close; and I don't want to call family or friends with this one.
Well, I could have honestly done nothing. That would have prevented the mess that I've started. I could have phoned a friend, albeit late, to simply talk. I could have posted here. I did try reading, but it didn't help.
Boundaries with W? The main one that is in place is OM not bring a FB friend. I've said NC, but she's still texting him. Other than that I can't think of any other specific boundaries. There have been R expectations such as sharing in finances and housework, but those arent the kind of boundaries we are talking about right? I obviously need a little guidance in developing more for my own protection....where do I start? :S
Hi afa, sorry I have been away for awhile. And I am sorry to see you are hurting right now :-( Please don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we don't give ourself enough patience and forgiveness. We forget we are human too.
What bug said (always so insightful)...
I find that when I attach a meaning to someone else's actions I'm usually wrong because I don't know the truth.
This, ^^^ I think is spot on. When we mind read actions and assume meaning...we are usually only seeing a snapshot of something larger that we are unaware of. I know we want to protect ourselves and so we often assume the worst so that we are ready for the pain (at least I know I do that), so I understand that. We need to remember that while we do need to protect ourselves, we have to do it while staying in control and taking care of ourselves as well.
(((afa))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
