Been having a really hard week. Previous 2 weeks I was feeling pretty good emotionally, I was liking the 180's, and felt progress being made by her attitude and body language. I think the funeral and not being there really got to me. Since she's been back she's been real distant. She was with a lot of divorced people so I'm sure she was getting support to divorce because her attitude has been a 180 since returning. She's also started talking with her parents and older sister again the last month. This is a good thing because they haven't spoken in over 4.5 years. Bad thing is they just picked up where they left off like nothing happened and didn't resolve core issues (kind of way her family always worked). I think she reached out to them because most her friends have kind of abandoned her (which stinks in my opinion) and they didn't like me from the start because I didn't come from money and always bad mouthed me and my family. Anyway reason I mention her parents is she previously said that's the only way she could ever forgive them is to break off relationship and she thinks that's the only way she'll be able to forgive our past. I've told her we'll be a part of each other's lives because of kids and it won't work that way but she doesn't agree.
Like I said just journaling about feeling REALLY down tonight. I won't say anything when she gets home but I'm sure in a needy mood and want to reach out to her. We're supposed to go shopping and to dinner tomorrow so hopefully I get a good night sleep so we can have a good time.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Not sure we're still on, I didn't DB very good this AM. I fell asleep before she got home but sort of woke up and I think I asked if they went out after work (stupid sleep fog I don't really remember though or if she even answered). This morning she was in a really crappy mood and I asked if everything was ok. She snapped and instead of letting it go I asked her what I did and what changed since she got back. She went off and said she doesn't owe me any answers, her decision hasn't changed, she thinks it's weird i snuggle her at night, blah, blah, blah. I was a little surprised with that much attitude and I'm sure my face showed it. She said nothing happened with her family and i said obviously, we were getting along ok before you left and not since. She said she is just tired but i noted she only seems to be "tired" toward me and that has been her standard response for years and i wished she would just tell me what was wrong. She said we start getting along just to make things easier and I get hope and then I get crushed. I said I always have hope and I agreed that patterns she admits to always doing isn't healthy and is an issue we've had. Got on topic that we never resolved issues and just brushing things under rug for 4 years (yes cheap dig at her parents and her relationship) doesn't work. She said I hadn't changed and I still question everything and don't trust. I've thought a lot about that this morning and I can't think of any questions non small talk that I've asked in weeks and I said trust is given but also needs to be earned. I then said that she snuggles me at night just as often as I have and reminded her it's her choice to sleep in the bed. I said I did feel she was leading me on a little and she denied it (doing everything together still, sleeping back in bed, vacation plans in Feb, and planned going out today seems like it to me). We got on separation topic and it ended with me saying if she really wants out then why not go.
I know I completely failed at DBing (again) this AM but she hits my buttons and is so cold it gets to me. I know what i should do but i'm still not good enough at it when I'm relly hurting and just take steps back.I have no idea what to do tonight. A big part of me thinks a S would help me because I'm obviously not detaching and I'm honestly not good at keeping my expectations in check. I think it would hep her as well. So mad and disappointed in myself today!
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I also think to really heal and DB I may be the one that needs to move out which is BS. Kids are too young to understand and they'll likely just see dad left no matter how close we are. W has even said that's why she doesn't want to move because she doesn't want to hurt kids even though she knows she's the one that wants out. Somehow she's convinced herself D won't hurt them though??? This whole thing is so unfair and I know life is unfair, anything worth having is worth working for, and all that but man...
We treated each other badly for years, i was a terrible husband and she was a terrible wife, both have empty love tanks, she's had affairs, and been caught in tons of lies and my kids are going to pay and be the ones ultimately hurt. AAAHHHHH, I need to go do something productive. I'm starting to wonder why I even want this again and I'm starting to play blame game. Need to concentrate on myself and stop taking steps backwards.
I'll be back later...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Don't be so hard on yourself Spartan. DB'ing is really hard. It takes practice. But keep in mind, every time you pressure her, it sets your process back a few steps. Just take a deep breath, forgive yourself, get back up and try again.
Check out FloydMan's sitch - very similar to yours.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
W and I talked and she said she still wants to "try and go because we need to finish shopping". I said fine but now I'm not sure it's a good idea. We'll see. Will put DB hat on and try to make best of it. Was looking forward to it before this AM :{
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Don't be so hard on yourself Spartan. DB'ing is really hard. It takes practice. But keep in mind, every time you pressure her, it sets your process back a few steps. Just take a deep breath, forgive yourself, get back up and try again.
Check out FloydMan's sitch - very similar to yours.
Thanks but it difficult to not be hard on myself because I know all the stinking rules and I screwed up like this 2 weeks ago. I know I'm just shooting myself in the foot and saw it 2 weeks ago and I'm sure will see it now. Same situation happened last time I blew it, I was feeling down emotionally for a couple days and tired Next time I need to just get out of house when feeling that way and feel need to talk with W.
Going to read Floydman's sitch now.
I've decided I'm going to force myself to be in good mood and try to be fun tonight. One of my original 180's was to not let my wife's mood affect mine and I need to hit that one 100% tonight. Wish me luck
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Posting part of Sandi's post from Floydman's sitch here because it relates and I want to reinforce these points to myself, I'm sure others have said them throughout my sitch and many are in stickies but apparently I need to see them again
Originally Posted By: sandi2
It's very important to not pursue her in any way. You need to have a lot of self-confidence. That is attractive to women. Being needy, clingy, etc., is not attractive in a man. Some women even see a man who wants constant reassurance as a sign of weakness.
You say you can't trust her and that she'd have to earn it. Have you told her exactly what it would take in order to earn your trust again? I'm sure it includes no attempts at contacting OM, but is that all......or have you lost trust in every other area as well?
Even though the house has been put up for sale, the fact that you are still under the same roof means that you have a lot of opportunities to turn things around. But I have some suggestions as to what does not work with a WAW, if you're trying to save the M.
Don't ask her how she feels toward you, the M, or a D. Don't ask about her activities that don’t concern the kids or spending your money. Don’t discuss past problems. Don’t try to point out good things about being M. Don’t try to guilt her about what she’s doing to the kids, you, or others. Don’t use punitive behavior toward your W. Don’t make negative remarks. Don’t act nasty, mean, or cold. Don’t expect anything from her.
This is not all of the “don’ts” but if you can handle that much, you will accomplish a lot!
DBing is all about working on “you”……not your spouse. Your biggest challenge will be to not focus on her. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and see what you need to do to be a better man. Set some personal goals. Don’t make them about her. These are just about you. If she’s had complaints in the past, that should help you get started with improvements.
Stay active with your kids and a personal life. You have to get a life that does not include your wife. Keep your calendar full throughout the coming weeks. Don’t “wait” to see what her plans may be, but instead, you inform her that you have made plans for that date. You don’t explain in detail what your plans are. She no longer gets an account of your activities…and you don’t ask about hers. When she is with you, be sure to show your best personality, manners, and charm. When other women are around, make sure you show them the same qualities.
Shape up your personal appearance and make sure you are looking sharp all the time. You may look sexy wearing nothing but a pair of blue jeans, but the point is that you look good.
Your attitude must be one that says you are enjoying life. Some men are afraid the wife will think he wants to split up. But in reality, you’ve already messed up by letting her know how clingy you are, so now she needs to see a guy who is suddenly having a good time wherever he is.....and him having a good time does not depend upon her! He may be playing with the kids while she’s cooking dinner or on the computer……but if she hears the giggles from the kids……well, it touches a woman’s heart like nothing else can. But seeing you enjoying yourself as if you’re moving on…..will get her attention and even stir her curiosity. It causes you to be a much more interesting man and one who people like to be around.
You may learn that the work in saving your marriage is nothing like you thought it would be. You have nothing to lose here, right?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
