trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[MrBond]

"But he needs to see what he is missing."

No he doesn't.
He's going to either want to engage or not. It's his choice. You make sure that your kids have the best Christmas ever and he'll hear about it.

[ForMyHusband]

The recommendation from the therapist is that our D does not meet anyone "new" for a year after physical separation. We both agreed to this. He is living at the OW home. Therefore, he is not allowed to take our D there for sleepovers. Does that make sense? He knows that is not good for our D either. He said that "when" he wants to take her overnight, he will stay at his moms house. But like I said earlier, he doesn't even talk to his parents right now, hasn't even told them he moved out and hasn't made any effort to take her overnight. He just comes here and "hangs out". And he spent the night last saturday.
I'm not working out right at the moment, only because I lost 15 lbs when this started and am now 10 lbs under weight. I've been meditating tho which helps the anxiety. I try to look my best when he's around and when I'm out in public and I will damn well make sure my D has the best christmas ever!! H has said he wants everything as its always been so that should be interesting. I've had christmas dinner at our house for the past 5 years for both of our families and we spend xmas eve at his parents house and boxing day at his grnadmothers house. How can things be "normal"??? His inlaws don't even know we are separated!!

[Rick1963]

Ok if that is the case why are you obssessing about H seen her? Let him do all the work and planning if those are the arragements. Loosing that much weight is not a reason for not working out. Try some weights, push ups grow some muscles. Working out produces endorphines which make you feel better emotionally. Try it. The depression may go away. No one wants to be around a depressed needy person, remember that.

[ForMyHusband]

I've had friends say to be that he is taking advantage of me. By me not saying "she's your responsibility this weekend" to him and letting him come and go as he pleases. There's no "arrangement" because he left. We had this silly "weekend on/off" thing but basically it has always been him coming and going and me doing everything. When it was "his" weekend, he would stick around in the evening but he would still work, hunt, shoot, etc like he always has. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my daughter, I just sometimes feel stupid and weak by not saying "I'm going out, you're watching D". I just let him make his plans and I arrange a sitter if need be. I feel stupid but also think I'm showing him I'm supporting him so he can do the things he loves. I don't think I'm portraying neediness...I don't think anyway, what would that look like?
And yes I know I should exercise, I used to work out every day before this started but H was around to watch D. I'm making space in my bedroom to work out after she goes to bed. That's my goal for next week.

[ForMyHusband]

Well here's an interesting event. I think the veteran DB-ers are probably going to yell at me but my H was here tonight hanging out with my D and I and before he left I hugged him.
My neighbor down the street, a woman, is in a MLC and is having an EA with another man. She has been sharing her story with me and I have been sharing mine with her. I think we've been helping each other see the other POV. Sounds like she's starting to come out of it and realize how much her husband means to her and I think her hearing about the pain and suffering me and my D are going through is helping.
Anyway, it was her suggestion. Her husband did it to her and it triggered something in her.
So when he was leaving, I walked up to him and just hugged him and told him no one would love or appreciate him more than me and D. He said "I know you've told me". I just responded "I know. Have a good weekend" and I walked away. He didn't pull away, I dropped my arms first.
In a way I feel a bit of regret for doing it but not a lot. Its the first I've said it to him since this started straight to his face and it was the first time I have shown him any type of physical affection. I do not plan on contacting him at all now and just let him have something to think about.
Yell away!!

[MrBond]

Well what's done is done. The point is that he has to feel like missing you.

[ForMyHusband]

That was the point of it. Give him something to remember. I was upbeat and cheerful and he talked to me about his work and stuff while he was here, he initiated the conversations not me which was nice for a change, usually its me. And when I did hug him I stood my ground and didn't cry. I dropped my arms first and walked away. I think it was just enough and not over the top. So I do feel good about it, better than I did right after I did it. He has now heard the words right from me and not in an email or letter or on the phone. And I will continue to GAL and not make contact with him first. In fact I'm getting a sitter tomorrow night and going to see a friend play in a live band. I'm looking forward to it.

[notsurewhat2do]

What is a MDA and PP?
You H moved in with OW the same day mine did
I'm a bit stuck with the whole birthday thing. I don't think I would be uncomfortable. I would go and be happy and upbeat for my daughter. So he can see this is what his life is and what he is throwing away. I've talked more to his mom than he has in 3 months. He still hasn't even told her that he's living with OW - she heard it from me. I'm still keeping somewhat distant with her, not telling anything if she doesn't ask, blood is thicker than water afterall.
Our friends find it awkward, some have stopped talking to me, some are "egging him on" basically saying what he wants to hear and not what he needs to hear.
What is your husband saying and doing? How has it been for you since he moved out?

It has been h*ll for me, but I'm GALing. Like Friday night, I hosted a "dessert" party for friends. See, every Christmas H and I would get together with a group of about 10 friends and go to dinner. H and I were "founding" friends and probably came up with the idea instead of exchanging presents, etc. We've been doing it at least 18 years. The group has been anywhere from 20 people to 10 people. So Friday the group of 10 went and I invited them over after for dessert. I just couldn't go, but wanted to see them. There were 6 that came to the house. It was nice and they all said I had to go next year for sure (I'm sure I will next year). I even posted on FB that I was glad they came and saw me and I enjoyed the time, that way H would see that I'm not sitting at home and pinning for him.

I'm sure there are a few of his friends that are neutral and don't want to get involved, but most are mad and will tell him exactly what they think. He just doesn't associate with them because he doesn't want to hear it. To him, what is done is done.

I'll admit, the first 6 weeks were really bad, especially Thanksgiving. It is a little better now, but I still replay all the lies that H told me and how stupid I was for falling for them. And even now, the lies that he continues to tell me. I'm almost to the point, that if H did happen to want to come back, that I'm not sure I could forget them. I THINK I could forgive OW, but the lies and lack of believing anything he says would make it almost too hard. I would second guess EVERYTHING he said to me. I love him and in my heart I'm not ready for divorce, so I'm doing nothing but sitting on papers (MDA is Marital Disolution Act and PP is Parenting Plan - basically what you need to get divorce, they are signed, but not filed with the state yet). But I'm also getting to the point that I need to start living like he is not ever coming home.

H contacts me about every two or three days for something related to DD or bills. I have completely stopped initating any contact. This morning we have been talking about Christmas, dr bills for DD, and DD's winter formal. Basically money stuff (and DD wants belly button ring and how we agree NO!)

From experience, H knows what he is missing. He didn't see DD at all last week because she was too busy to see him. She wanted to do what 15 year olds do. And I was okay with it. I think she feels like he doesn't make time for her, so she's not going to make time for him. I don't worry about their relationship anymore. Although it makes me sad that he is choosing OW over DD, but she knows it and can handle it herself. I do feel alittle bad because she plays the "buy me this cause Mom doesn't have the money too trip", but hey, I feel like he owes her, he's turned her happy life completely upside down.

I PRAY everday that God do His will, that He help me through the day, that He make his desires crystal clear. I always feel better after praying. I don't know what your religious feelings are, but just being about to say what you want outloud is nice. I feel like all my friends want me to move on and forget H, but I can't yet. I have to feel like I tried everything and did everything possilble to save my family. So, if that means, DR/DBing for 6 months, then that's what I'll do and I'll pray everyday the same prayer. That God will help me, soften H's heart and help him see what we mean to him and help me forgive H and what he has done. (It's a long prayer, usually in the shower!)I pray that D is good and that she doesn't let this jade her view on marriage and men (one of my biggest fears).

To answer the question about D not being allowed to H's with OW present:

My DD is 15 and I'm not allowing her to spend the night with H with OW present either. And I'm not alone with my decision. I've heard of plenty of mothers doing/saying the same things. In my case, DD know what H is doing is wrong, very wrong. He is married, OW should not be living with him. BUT, for me its morals. It is morally & bibically wrong to be living with/sleeping with someone while you are married. I feel like if I let DD go over there, I am condoning what they are doing. I want my DD raised better than that. AND when H left, he knew how I felt. He is choosing OW over his DD. To me, that's wrong also, so it makes me dig in even further. PLUS, DD doesn't want to be around OW ... but like I said, she is 15 and can basically make up her own mind. If H and OW are together for a while, DD will eventually be around them, but again, she can make up her own mind and she knows how I feel.

[ForMyHusband]

I am not a religious person but have found that I am somewhat "spritual" lately. Trying to seek a "higher power" to help me through this. I do pray. I pray every night that He will take away the sadness from my heart and the hurt and anger from my H heart and to give my D a solid foundation for her life. Its kind of long but I read it every night before I go to bed.
I'm glad a lot of moms are on the same page about DD not seeing OW. My D is only 5 and she still thinks daddy is coming home I don't want to crush her hope and I still have hope as well. But he hasn't called or contacted since friday (well he called Sunday night but D didn't want to talk to him) and D hasn't mentioned him at all in 4 days.
Me and H communicate mostly via email. He doesn't inquire about D its usually what time he should call or if he "should" stop by or come over. He doesn't ask how she is or anything, its sad. I feel very responsible but I'm trying not to. I've done excellent at no contact since friday but wish I could stop the obsessive thoughts about him. I'm trying the thought stopping technique in DR but I know it will take practice.

[notsurewhat2do]

Wow, I just typed a long response and lost it! :-(

I think you are doing the right things. Your DD sees you as primary caregiver and is clinging to you. She still loves her Daddy, but she doesn't see him everyday. It's okay. And regardless of what others think about letting DD spend the night with H and OW, that really is your choice, in my opinon. Is he fighting you on the decision? Have you sought legal counsel? (I can't remember) If not, I would suggest you do, just to get your ducks in a row. Just because you see a lawyer doesn't mean you WANT a divorce, it just means you are looking out for your best interest. And NOBODY has to know.... as hard as it is, you aren't bound to disclose anything to your H. Like my H, he kept a huge secret from you and if he's anything like mine, he kept lots of secrets. I don't feel bad about any I keep right now. He doesn't tell me where he goes or what he does, so I don't tell him. I love my H very much, but I'm tired of being treated like his rug. I want and need a little control of my own.
You'll get there. For some, it just takes a little longer and each should come to their own decisions/reactions in their own time. I'm not nearly as far I want to be, but I'm getting there ... day by day, step by step. Like I said, I love my husband and if he decided today he wanted to come home, I'd probaly say "Okay, lets try, but here are my stipulations" .... but I'm done letting him walk all over me. I'm getting on with my life and hopefully, regardless of the outcome, it'll make me a stronger, wiser and more attractive person.