trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[AnotherStander]

Thanks AS. I have not been able to locate your thread?? Was hoping to read up on your progress.

Part II is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...502#Post2296502

Looks like it's hit 100 posts, so I'll probably have to start a part III soon!

I guess when it comes to D - should it stay as she thinks "daddys moved out for a while" or should I tell her "daddy is not coming home".

I think it's important for DB'ing to always keep hope alive in your heart, and I also think it's just as important for the kids to have hope as well. So my personal opinion is that you shouldn't tell kids the WAS is not ever coming home unless it gets to the point of filing for D.

And I was the one who had to tell her he moved out so maybe if he wants her to know daddy is not coming home, then he can be the one to tell her?

WAS's seem to avoid discussions with their kids like the plague, so you probably don't have to worry too much about it.

I wasn't sure if I should take them down because of D tho but I have been tempted to.

Well it's your choice. But when W moved out I couldn't get them down fast enough, LOL!

[ForMyHusband]

Here's my latest dilemma, hoping for some advice.
H birthday is around the corner. His mom is very supportive of me and thinks I should "wait it out" so she is somewhat aware of my efforts of giving H time to sort things through.
Each year, we go to her house on his birthday for supper and cake. this year she said she is going to do the same thing.
I have a feeling tho, that she will ask him what he wants to do first (blood is thicker than water as they say and I am well aware of this). So if I do get the invite, it will be because he wanted me to go or was at least okay with me going. My inlaws have not met the OW and doesnt really know much about her (hell it was me who told them that he moved in with her).

So im probably thinking about this too much already because I don't even know what will happen. But should I go if I get the invite? Im kind of stuck in the middle where I need to do 180s on how I treated him in our relationship which means I need to show him love and support and that he is appreciated. But I also need to follow the LRT to let him see what he is missing and giving up.

Has anyone been in this stitch before? Any advice?

I saw this posted on someone else's thread: "Love is not giving up on someone even if they have given up on you". It is so profound and has so much meaning for me.

[notsurewhat2do]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in the same boat also. My D is 15, so she knows exactly what is happening and understands. You can see my "stats" on my signature line.

I'm not sure I'd be able to attend b-day with H and family. It would be too hard for me. My H isn't acting like he is even thinking about coming home, although I want him too. So I have to GAL and do things for me. It's hard, but I'm trying.

EXAMPLE: every year there is a group of good friends that get together for dinner at Christmas. H and I were "founding" friends and probably actually started the whole tradition. Never missing a year, even when I was PG and sick as a dog! This year, they invited me (I doubt they invited H because they all know H is wrong) and I just can't go. It would be too hard to sit with all our friends and not H. So I invited all of them over AFTER dinner for dessert at my house. So far, 10 are coming! YAY me! I'm starting a new tradition, making it comfortable for me and showing H that I'm going on with my life with or without him. I hate that our friends as much as our family is being put in this situation, but it's not my fault. I KNOW this.

Anyways, still no advice. I can just tell you what I would do. Maybe just a convo with MIL and let her know that you REALLY want to be there, but it would be too hard. Maybe D can go, because MIL will always be her gmom no matter what. (I actually went to my FIL's for Thanksgiving without H .. it was just me and D - they needed to see her and I wanted to spend time with them, they are very supportive of both H and myself - good people).

I LOVE THE QUOTE ... I'm posting it to FB .. hope that's okay with OP!

[ForMyHusband]

What is a MDA and PP?
You H moved in with OW the same day mine did
I'm a bit stuck with the whole birthday thing. I don't think I would be uncomfortable. I would go and be happy and upbeat for my daughter. So he can see this is what his life is and what he is throwing away. I've talked more to his mom than he has in 3 months. He still hasn't even told her that he's living with OW - she heard it from me. I'm still keeping somewhat distant with her, not telling anything if she doesn't ask, blood is thicker than water afterall.
Our friends find it awkward, some have stopped talking to me, some are "egging him on" basically saying what he wants to hear and not what he needs to hear.
What is your husband saying and doing? How has it been for you since he moved out?

[Rick1963]

formyh are you GALing? it is very important. It helps to regain confidence. This stuff kinda takes your self esteem away.It destroys it. So it is very very importatnt that you do things for yourself, gain confidence, stop feeling or looking depressed or desperate. The friend thing is very common. Some will take his side some will take yours. That's why it is important to not talk to them about the stich. Is OW going to his birthday?

[ForMyHusband]

I am GAL-ing or at least trying to. I spend a lot of time with my daughter which is best for her right now because she is fearful now of not having parents. But its been lots of fun stuff like tomorrow we are going to see the nutcracker play with other kids and parents.
Someone on here recommeneded "meetup.com" which I checked out and I've signed up for yoga classes, cooking classes and hiking group. None of them start up again tho til January. I'm trying to get out a bit more but we do not have any arrangements which is the part where I am showing him I am supporting him. I've been out for coffee and movies with friends. I don't know what else I can be doing to be GAL-ing. My life is pretty low key and I don't have a ton of friends now (nor did I ever really). My confidence is quite wiped out but I make sure I "look good" and smile and be happy when H is around and also when I am at work and out and about. I've been saving my self pity moments for when I'm alone.
No, OW is not going to be there. As far as I know anyway. She is not allowed around my D, we have an agreement about that. So if he wants to at least be with our D on his bday, then she cannot be there.
Do you have any other suggestions for GAL-ing that would help boost confidence?

[ForMyHusband]

Should I be "forcing" him into taking care of our daughter? Its something I'm torn with. My therapist says no, I should not and cannot force him to be a father. He moved in woth OW so my D cannot go there and spend the night. He can come here and have sleepovers which he did once so far last saturday night. I stayed home.
So I know I could go out when he is here, but then I feel I lose my chance of showing him his true family life. And the one thing I did most in our relationship was not be home. So I look at it as a 180 for me to stay home.
Does that make sense to anyone? Or should my 180 now be go out when he is here? I'm willing to keep trying this a while longer, to make sure I've given it enough time, as it says in DR.

[MrBond]

You can't "force" someone to do something.

Do what you can on your own and you're going to have to act as if he's not in the picture. Nothing is going to "show him" a true family life when he doesn't want it.

[ForMyHusband]

Thanks MRBond, I don't think I should have to force him to be a father either. But he needs to see what he is missing. And if he doesn't miss it, then that's his loss and he doesn't deserve to be with me or our daughter.
I haven't been relying on him to get out on my own. My daughter is in school so no time for anything week nights. On the weekends, I ask my sister or mom if I need to do anything. I just make sure to let him see or talk to D when he wants to, as I will never keep him from her or vice versa.
Two therapists I have spoken to (my own and a child therapist for my D) have said he is either going to "wake up" and come back or disappear completely from my D's life. I need to prepare for the latter unfortunately even tho I hope the first is what happens.

[Rick1963]

I'm not sure why your D is not allowed to be with her father while he is with OW? Others will chime in with a better answer on that. No you should not be forcing him to do anything. It is his responsibility to have or not a R with his D. Your job is not to fix it or destroy it. Are you working out,make sure you always look good, busy and happy. Stop thinking of H. Think about you and your D and things you want to experience. There are many GALing activities. When I have some time I'll post them