I am at my wits end. As much as I try to follow the DB guidelines, I continue to fall off base. After chasing away the possible EA, I decided to engage my wife one last time before falling way back. I sat her down and calmly, collected my thoughts, and apologized for treating her the way I have for so long. I poured it out to her. I expressed that I have been negligent with her feelings and I lacked giving her the nurturing that she needed. I promised her with all of my heart that I had learned from my mistakes and wanted to be a better man for her. I wanted to hold her hand, go for walks and do all of those things that we stopped doing some time ago. I wanted to feel her touch and share our days together. I also want to do more things with each other and be apart less. These have been her biggest issues with our relationship, and the underlying cause of our actions and conflicts.
Of course, before going into this I knew her reaction would be to pull away even farther. She did test me on several things, but I feel that I responded to them from the heart. She expressed that she has nothing but the past to use as a comparison, so she felt I wasn't going to be able to make the changes I promised. She didn't believe me. I know I can, and I know I want to. I promised her that I could. I told her the only reason I was saying all of this was because I have had a change of heart and needed to get it off my chest. I honestly have had an awakening about my love for my wife during the last couple weeks. I couldn't bear the weight of carrying it, if we were to split indefinitely. I told her I needed to express it fully. Then, I asked her to consider it, really consider it. That was yesterday. At this point, I plan on pulling back. I asked everyone that has been taking my side in this issue, friends and family, to pull back as well in regards to pressuring her. It is time to just let her reflect and live. Hopefully she realizes she wants to give it another try, but of course that decision is only hers to make. I have said and done everything I can, with the exception of following the darn DB guidelines.....grrrr
Now it is time to settle in and really focus on my 180's. I know I was waaaay off base to DB thinking, but I felt this was something I had to do. Hopefully it didn't put me too far off track.
Consistent changes + sufficient time = change that she can believe
Patience...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks, Denver. I know I am my worst enemey with my erratic behavior. Emotions are the cause. I am generally a very grounded individual. Behavior like this is so unlike me.
Denver, looking at your signature, does this mean you have reconciled?
"As much as I try to follow the DB guidelines, I continue to fall off base."
How would that sound to you if your W told you that she tried to stick to the M vows but continue to seek an A?
"I know I was waaaay off base to DB thinking, but I felt this was something I had to do."
And you'll feel the same way the next time. All the LBH's feel exactly like you felt. What gets me is when some say, "I know I backslid, but......." It was a choice to have the R talk, and it's a choice to DB.
"Hopefully it didn't put me too far off track."
But usually it does! That's why the advice says don't do the talk. If you do it and THEN think you're ready to follow the plan, you'll discover it doesn't work well.
As has already been stated, you got it off your chest. And I hope you gave your last instructions to everyone. I REALLY hope you are through talking to the OM, b/c that is not how you solve the problem. Even if he does what he said, your W will simply find somebody else to be her "friend". She's had a taste now, and she's going to want more. So you need to buckle down and start doing what works instead of doing what you feel, and stop trying to control everyone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I think I needed a slap in the face. Here is one the problems I am looking at in regards to our sitch. My wife and I are sharing the house when each of us have our daughter. I also have an apartment on my property that my wife is staying in when she doesn't have our daughter. I stay at my Moms. Our finances haven't changed at all. We still have our joint account, still paying bills, still sharing food, right down to her texting me today about X-mas present ideas for our D school bus driver. Literally the only difference is we can keep a little space between us during the days and nights. I am not sure if that is enough to give my wife a real snapshot of what it will be like without me around. Really, she has a pretty good thing going on, tons of freedom, babysitter (me) every other weekend and nobody to answer to. I cannot kick her our at this point, because I agreed to the terms when this was to be a "trial separation". We set it up for 3 months, ending Jan.
Here is one the problems I am looking at in regards to our sitch. My wife and I are sharing the house when each of us have our daughter. I also have an apartment on my property that my wife is staying in when she doesn't have our daughter. I stay at my Moms. Our finances haven't changed at all. We still have our joint account, still paying bills, still sharing food, right down to her texting me today about X-mas present ideas for our D school bus driver. Literally the only difference is we can keep a little space between us during the days and nights. I am not sure if that is enough to give my wife a real snapshot of what it will be like without me around. Really, she has a pretty good thing going on, tons of freedom, babysitter (me) every other weekend and nobody to answer to. I cannot kick her our at this point, because I agreed to the terms when this was to be a "trial separation". We set it up for 3 months, ending Jan.
My W and I are still living together and sleeping in same bed with court date looming over our head and minimal R talk. I understand how hard and difficult the sitch is and how you'll feel like a complete doormat. Just do your 180's consistently, DB (don't pressure or try to control anything, don't ask any questions, detach, GAL, etc...), and learn her LL.
For me I have a rough date for when I plan to S if things aren't improving to show her what life will be like w/o me but now I have to consistently show her the new me and what she'd be missing before that. Think about it, right now she doesn't like you so if she leaves do you think she'll miss anything? You need to become the perfect husband for her and then if she leaves she might realize what a mistake it is.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
For me I have a rough date for when I plan to S if things aren't improving to show her what life will be like w/o me but now I have to consistently show her the new me and what she'd be missing before that. Think about it, right now she doesn't like you so if she leaves do you think she'll miss anything? You need to become the perfect husband for her and then if she leaves she might realize what a mistake it is.
That was my approach as well. It was about 3 months from BD to S, so I made the most of that time and showed her the best H I could be. She did acknowledge how much I had changed, in MC she even said I had transformed into the "perfect husband". She still felt like she had to leave, but at least I was able to show her how things could be in the future if we get back together. Once she moved out I went into full DB'ing mode and detached. How it's all going to work out in the long run is still unknown, but I'm confident that I showed her what I could while I could.
How exactly did you show her? I feel if I detach, I cannot express those things that a perfect husbnad would express, kindness, touch, appreciation. I am a little lost with that portion of the 180's. To me, the 180 seems more like simply disconnecting, which wouldn't change much in the way our relationship has been in the last few years. We were already disconnected. If I am simply showing her that, "hey look I can lose a few pounds and get a new hobbie", I don't see how that will make her want to come back.
