It's interesting that in important conversations you have better recall of what you said than what she said. It's a common communication flaw, that people are often so concerned with what they want to say that they're just waiting for a chance to work that in rather than hearing exactly what the other is saying.
Did some thinking about this and you are so right! It is something I really need to work on. She doesn't talk that often so I should be able to hear everything she says. Part of problem yesterday was it was first 'real' talk of any kind we've had in weeks and I was concerned about not doing anything stupid to cause a setback. I remembered to turn TV off, look her in the eyes when she talked, and not take control of conversation so she could talk. Problem is I forgot to listen to every word she said . I may very well have missed something important.
Just another thing to add to the pile of improvements I need to make to be the better person I'm changing into. Man I'm a flawed human. Funny just 2 months ago I thought I was God's gift to earth ...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Just another thing to add to the pile of improvements I need to make to be the better person I'm changing into. Man I'm a flawed human. Funny just 2 months ago I thought I was God's gift to earth ...
Downloaded next book to Kindle: The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols. Planning to start it this weekend.
Yesterday W asked if I had plans Saturday and I told her I didn't. Figured she would ask me to watch kids but instead she asked if my mom could come up so we could get some Christmas shopping done and maybe grab dinner. Surprised me a little and I told her I'd ask. So it looks like we're leaving house just the 2 of us for first time since BD so should be interesting. Goal is to just try to have a good time and not make more of it then it is.
She said something just before bed last night that caught me off guard. I was laying there reading and out of blue she said "thanks for helping out so much around here lately and getting everything ready to go for us". All I said is your welcome and we watched a little TV without anymore talk. I see this as a baby step because in past we've discussed that I felt taken for granted because she never thanked me and just expected me to do things. It used to be a big deal because she'd thank everyone for anything they did but never say it to me. Guess it still is a big deal since I noticed it, must have just let it go last several years.
This came from AS's thread and it's really been on my heart the last 24 hours with my W's grandpas funeral tomorrow.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
For much (or nearly all) of that 25 years I was her rock too, and it really feels bad to know that I'm not her rock anymore.
I've tried not to show that I'm hurting over not going but it really [censored] not being able to go. I haven't said or led on about wanting to go since our previous talk. W and kids are leaving this afternoon so I have a full night of stuff planned for both today and tomorrow so at least I'll be busy and hopefully not think too much. I did see wife this morning before work and I might have read into it but she had this sad look on her face when she saw me in bathroom. You guys know how you can just read your S's slight facial reactions. For whatever reason I reached over and gave her a hug and told her it's for tomorrow since I won't be there. She squeezed a little tighter and held longer then a "normal" hug and looked like she might cry when I pulled away. I think it was our first form of contact (non-sleeping) since BD and I wasn't really expecting any form of hug back. I didn't really know what to do so I just said have a good day at work and drive safe. She said she'd call when they get there and I left.
Another 180 for me was I bought a sympathy card for W. I wrote a few words in it and put it in her bag so she'd see it when she gets there tonight. I always said that cards are one of the stupidest things ever invented and a complete waste of money. I rarely ever bought them and told her several times in past to not waste money on them for me. I never thought about it before all this but she has always given people cards for dang near any reason you can think of so they're obviously something important to her.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
She is taking notice of your changes, and that is goodness. It's going to take patience and consistent change for her to trust in them, but the fact that she sees it is the beginning. Keep going!
I am with you on the cards, but sometimes we have to set aside what we think and try to see it from the other person's perspective. Your W probably gets people cards to let them know she's thinking of them, so when you get her one, that's probably the message it sends. It doesn't have to a $6 card...it can just be a $1 with some nice words in it to show that she's on your mind. Of course, sympathy card aside, at this point it'd be pursuit and pressure, so I'd steer clear for now unless there's good reason.
I used to do the same kind of thing on so many things. Looking back, I realize how selfish it was. I only thought about how I felt about it, now how my W did. She's the most important person in the world to me, yet I discarded her feelings on some things without the tiniest bit of consideration. Pretty crappy H material for a lot of years.
Of course, sympathy card aside, at this point it'd be pursuit and pressure, so I'd steer clear for now unless there's good reason.
It will likely be a while before I buy another for the very reasons you stated. I was in Hallmark for 25 minutes going back and forth on if I should even buy it or not. I think I read every sympathy card there so it didn't say or imply anything I didn't mean for it to.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Wife sent text this morning thanking me for card. Two thank yous within 48 hours has to be some sort of record .
Today has been a tough day for me knowing I'm not at viewing or funeral. Trying hard not to think about it but I really wish I was there to hold her hand during service and take care of kids afterwards so she could visit with family/ friends. I also feel bad for not driving there and back because she sounded completely beat when I talked with her last night and I know it will only be worse when they come home tonight. I know it was her decision and understand why I didn't go but I still don't like not being able to help her.
Last night she called the house around 7:45 and I still wasn't home. She then sends me a text around 8:30 saying they got there and asked a random question about the dog. I replied about 15 minutes later telling her I'd check on dog when I got home. I texted 45 minutes later answering her question and told her to tell kids I said good night. Around 10:15 the home phone rings and it's the kids saying good night. She gets on the phone and we talk for a little bit and she sounded exhausted. I acted upbeat and didn't mention where I was earlier and got off phone. It's not normal for me to be out like that so wondering if she thought anything about it.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Wife just texted me to tell me they were in line to leave cemetery and said it was a nice service. I asked how she was doing and she said 'good but tired'. Her text eased the hurt I was feeling a little. Glad she said she was doing ok but more then that she was thinking about me right after services. I honestly wasn't expecting to hear from her all day. Probably nothing but I'll consider it as a baby step???
Other thing I forgot to mention was I went to AS's favorite store again last night (Buckle) and bought a few new shirts and sweaters that are way more hip then what I usually wear. I may spring one of them on her for our Christmas shopping on Saturday.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Quick thought, I posted in someone else's sitch telling them to think about if they're S can ever change enough to give them the M they want. Woke up in middle of night thinking about that in my own sitch. I'm honestly not sure if my wife can fill the needs that I have. Last several years I admit my love tank has been pretty low but she was such a good mom that I let my own needs go. With all this self reflection and reading I've been doing I now clearly know what I want in a marriage and I see many of those things being very difficult for my wife. I have to give her benefit of doubt because I know I've changed a lot but just a thought/ worry I have. I just know if I get to piecing stage I can't live in the old M status quo and she'll need to change a lot also... At least now I know what I want.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Other thing I forgot to mention was I went to AS's favorite store again last night (Buckle) and bought a few new shirts and sweaters that are way more hip then what I usually wear. I may spring one of them on her for our Christmas shopping on Saturday.
LOL! I guess I'm going to have to go back and check out those sweaters too!
Originally Posted By: Spartan
Quick thought, I posted in someone else's sitch telling them to think about if they're S can ever change enough to give them the M they want. Woke up in middle of night thinking about that in my own sitch. I'm honestly not sure if my wife can fill the needs that I have. Last several years I admit my love tank has been pretty low but she was such a good mom that I let my own needs go. With all this self reflection and reading I've been doing I now clearly know what I want in a marriage and I see many of those things being very difficult for my wife. I have to give her benefit of doubt because I know I've changed a lot but just a thought/ worry I have. I just know if I get to piecing stage I can't live in the old M status quo and she'll need to change a lot also... At least now I know what I want.
Man, it is amazing how similar our journeys are. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I've also reflected on how empty my love tank has been for years and how I was willing to accept a substandard marriage because my W has been such a great mom to our kids. But looking back, I'm the one that's been complaining for years about how we're more like roommates raising kids together than H and W. Having read the 5LL I see now that there are things I could have done other than just complaining about it that might have changed the dynamics. But at this point W is so cashed out that I just don't know if she'd ever be willing to try, and if she doesn't try then it'll never work. Because like you said, she needs to change too. We're working on ourselves and making ourselves better, but in doing so we're not willing to go back into loveless marriages. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get into an R with a new woman then try and build a new R with W.
I'm just starting to read your sitch Spartan but this:
Quote:
My dad walked out on us when I was 3 and I never really got over it. I had all the symptoms of growing up without a dad: fear of abandonment, control issues, lack of trust, and not knowing what a husband/ man should act like. My mom over-compensated in raising me and always made me feel like I was right which led to me having a rather large ego and always feeling like I was right and everyone else around me needed to change to see it my way
...hits home. Don't know if you've read much of my sitch, but my H's mother walked out on him too (when he was a teen). I'm looking forward to reading more.
Me43, H43 M 11, T 14 S10, S8 OA (me) 4-6/12 S 6/12 - 9/12 Piecing 1/13
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
...
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I guess I'm going to have to go back and check out those sweaters too!