great thanks AnotherStander. how is your stich going?
I sometimes worry about being too vague because one of the issues is my H lack of trust in me due to my own MLC. He loves me but is scared I will break his heart. So I try not to be too vague about what im doing and where im going, I thought this would be a good way to rebuild the trust. What do you think?
great thanks AnotherStander. how is your stich going?
There were some new developments yesterday and today, seems W is having second thoughts about leaving. Not sure where it's going yet. I updated my thread with the info.
Originally Posted By: ForMyHusband
I sometimes worry about being too vague because one of the issues is my H lack of trust in me due to my own MLC. He loves me but is scared I will break his heart. So I try not to be too vague about what im doing and where im going, I thought this would be a good way to rebuild the trust. What do you think?
Well that does make sense. Michele warns in DR that we need to be careful of "more of the same" behavior, and if some of the DB steps can be interpreted by our spouse as "more of the same" then perhaps a different approach is required. That may be the case with you.
that's great news! I wish my H didn't leave and now he has said "its too late" but I don't know how to tell him ITS NEVER TOO LATE!!!! I will read through your latest thread. I am worried about "more of the same" and trust is a huge issue for us right now, its one of my goals - to have him trust me again. I know in my heart if he can get past that, we can get past this. but its going to take a while which is why im willing to wait (move on but leave my heart open as i say). So my approach will be to get out and do things but with people he knows and trusts, and to be very open when he asks things of me. But im not going to volunteer unless he asks.
Well I think I may finally be catching on to the whole "don't chase" "act as if" behaviour. Wednesday night I met with a therapist to see if my daughter needed some extra help sorting through this. H came to our home to watch her while I was there. I got home and as soon as I was putting D to bed, he left (I'm sure the OW that he is living with is aware of our D's bedtime because he always seems to be in a "rush" right around that time. Well that's how it feels anyway). So I got mad, and stupidly called him and asked him why he didn't stay to talk about the therapy session. Which led to a After a horrific telephone conversation with H where he told me a horrific call where he called me a f'n b***, a mother f'r, I ruined his life and he and our D was better off dead, and repeatedly told me we were done, it was effin over, etc. I stayed very calm and didn't react, knowing that his words are from anger and confusion. He also said he knew that staying together was the right thing to do but said he can't live in "hatrid". It was a very scary conversation. So that was a bit of an eye opener to me as to what he is going through in his mind. He's not talking to anyone at all, keeping everything bottled up. I simply re-iterated that I understood and that I loved him and cared for him but I was going to move forward with my life for myself and for our D. He did apologized and I apologized for calling. I am a reactor, I realize that now more than ever. We didn't talk again until yesterday when he showed up to go to a xmas parade our D was in. Unknown to me, D asked him to come for a "sleepover" at the house (she is aware that she cannot have sleepovers at daddys "house"). So here he was, spending the night. I just stayed "me", and we got along and played games with D. It felt like we were a family, but that's just my perception of it. I put D to bed and figured he would go to bed right after. Instead, to my surprise, he suggested we watch a movie. So I said yes and we stayed up for another 2 hours, watched a movie, talked and laughed a bit. I didn't bring up any "us" talk at all and I sat in the chair and he sat on the couch (I so wanted to curl up on the couch but resisted). He left this morning and I of course was devastated but kept my cool, told him thanks for staying and fixing my car, told him it was appreciated.
So two questions: the first is the obvious one - could the movie be a small sign? My sister who does not want me to be with him anymore after everything that has happened (and is probably the logical side of my brain right now) has said he was probably just not tired. But in the 3 months that this has been going on, it was the first time he ever stayed up, with me, after D went to bed.
Question 2 for those LBS who have children - what do you tell your children? My D is only 5 so doesn't understand "permanancy" and when she asked him directly why he moved out he said "mommy and daddy aren't getting along so daddy moved out for a while". I of course hope he comes home but should I be preparing her for him NOT coming home? She knows and understands that he doesn't live here anymore but she doesn't understand that "daddy doesn't love mommy" anymore and from his point of view right now, he is "never" coming back - that has not been said to her. The child therapist said I am doing everything right for her (which prompted the call that scared me to pieces because I was so happy about it and he didn't even ask). But I don't know what to tell her long term, especially when I'm looking at this as a separation and he is looking at it as a "divorce".
Sorry, one other question in regard to communication - my D and I are still living in our family home, he's still paying half the bills and we did have the house up for sale but he agreed to take it off the market. This was my ask because I do not want to tranfer my D to another school while this is going on, too much change at once. And of course, I hope he comes back to his home.
So whenever H and I are discussing anything to do with the house, I always say "our". Our bedroom, our bathroom, our home, etc. And when his "current home" (with the OW) is brought up I simply say "where you are living". I refuse to call it his "home".
But I'm wondering if this is wrong? Should I be now be saying "my home, my bathroom, etc" ? I just wonder if he starts to hear me say "my" instead of "our" if it would trigger anything in his brain. What do you think? One thing I did do was remove his name from the answering machine (well its just an auto reply now whereas before it had all 3 of our names)
And I decided to take some stress leave from work, kinda regroup. My plan is to rearrange "my" bedroom to remove his dresser and have more space for "me" (I now have 2 closets!) And I'm moving the spare bed that he was sleeping in to my D's room to give her a bigger bed. Has anyone done this? I also wonder if it would trigger anything (plus I think it will be helpful for D to see some positive changes and our therapist agreed)
So whenever H and I are discussing anything to do with the house, I always say "our". Our bedroom, our bathroom, our home, etc. And when his "current home" (with the OW) is brought up I simply say "where you are living". I refuse to call it his "home".
Me too! I know in communication, everything counts, including word choice, tone, pacing, body language... In my sitch, I speak this way because I am speaking "as if" she is coming back. But I also wonder, as you, what would W think if I spoke differently?
I know choosing different words would probably trigger "something" different, but don't know what?
I'd like to hear some of the experts' opinions as well...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I simply re-iterated that I understood and that I loved him and cared for him but I was going to move forward with my life for myself and for our D. He did apologized and I apologized for calling. I am a reactor, I realize that now more than ever.
You handled that part of it well, but you are correct that you shouldn't have called to begin with. You shouldn't ever call him unless it's something important (kid-related). If he calls you then be pleasant, but try not to initiate calls.
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So two questions: the first is the obvious one - could the movie be a small sign?
Sure, I'd say it's a baby step, but don't have any expectations about what it means. It's just a very slight softening of his position. Celebrate it internally and keep DB'ing.
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Question 2 for those LBS who have children - what do you tell your children?
My kids are older than yours, but I was careful not to blame W for the S. I told them that we both love them and are both here for them, but that the two of us are having differences and needed to take some time and space away from each other. I've reinforced to them over and over that it has nothing to do with them. S9 in particular has had trouble with blaming himself. I touch base with them every couple of weeks to make sure they're OK, but they don't like talking about it so I don't push it more than that.
So whenever H and I are discussing anything to do with the house, I always say "our". Our bedroom, our bathroom, our home, etc. And when his "current home" (with the OW) is brought up I simply say "where you are living". I refuse to call it his "home".
But I'm wondering if this is wrong? Should I be now be saying "my home, my bathroom, etc" ?
Personally I think you should reinforce your attitude of "moving on" and "acting as if" in every way possible. So it's "your house" and "my house". Before W moved (but after she had a contract on her rental house) it was interesting because she'd call it "our house" or "our home" and "the other house". Now that she's moved we both call them "my house" and "your house". I've never called it her "home" though.
I'd also suggest taking down any photos of H, especially wedding photos. And if he has any momentos around then remove them, place them in a closet or something and then tell him where they are and that he's welcome to pick them up.
Thanks AS. I have not been able to locate your thread?? Was hoping to read up on your progress.
I guess when it comes to D - should it stay as she thinks "daddys moved out for a while" or should I tell her "daddy is not coming home". Is there even a difference? And I was the one who had to tell her he moved out so maybe if he wants her to know daddy is not coming home, then he can be the one to tell her? And ill be there to pick up the pieces again
Thanks for the tidbit on the photos. When H moved out he took everything he owns but there are still pictures of him up. I wasn't sure if I should take them down because of D tho but I have been tempted to.
