Found out today that W is speaking with another man. He is someone we both know, but very little, more of an acquittance. He is also going through a similar separation situation and they have been sharing their experiences. His wife left him for another man. I spoke with him on the phone for a long time, and he seemed very genuine that there is no bad intentions. I expressed that I felt ANY interaction or a buildup of a friendship would be a negative impact on our marriage. He sounded very focused on wanting his family back as well and agreed with my views. He verbally agreed to stop talking with her. Not 100% sure what to think about this, but I did feel he was being totally forthright and wanted our marriage to come back together. Any input here?
Well it's two fold. He knows the pain and how fragile the situation is, so he SHOULD know to back off. They are going through the same situation and that might create a "bond".
My X became attracted to a guy she knew(right before BD), and it happend at the time where he had R problems as well. I understood they had been talking alot and felt like they "got" each other when everyone else didn't.
However, don't fight it too much or I think you will just push her further away. Hopefully he knows the right thing to do.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
You know, of course, that friend will tell her all about "why" he no longer can have a "relationship" with her. Expect a verbal thrashing from your W about contacting OM. She sees herself through with the M and talk to any man she wants to.....and date any man she wants to date without your permission.
I don't fault what you did, however, it doesn't help all that much. You are right, she is very vulnerable to any man right now. But she will see any intrusion from you as "controlling". So, what would be another option?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I spoke with the OM again this morning. Their situation seems genuinely innocent at this point. However, I know how things work, and I know that their "friendship" is not good for my marriage. This could easily turn into something more than just leaning on each others shoulders. If anything, it gives my wife a view at the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. Here is this nice guy, going through a tough time of his own, sharing his feelings and being very nice and understanding to my wife. It's not a good scenario. He was originally shocked that I suspicion anything would be going on, but then he really began to see my perspective on their friendship when I laid it all out. He agrees that completely pulling away from her would raise suspicion. I asked him to do it in a way that hopefully leaves me out of the equation. He said he would come up with a solution, and he did not want to add any stress to our situation. He wants his own wife back, and he wants me to have mine. I am placing a lot of trust in him. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me.
I also gathered some information from a close friend of my wife and I. He spoke with her, and he feels the situation is basically what I suspected. She has felt empty and alone in our relationship for years and ended up falling out of love, plain and simple. I did not give her the nurturing that she needed. She says she needs space and time (which I need to give her more now than ever) to figure things out. She is also dealing with some of her own demons (not exactly sure what those are, but likely lifelong trust issues or insecurities). She is still not sure if she can or will want to reconcile. At this point her answer is no, but she did say that things could change. I find a little hope in that. She said the only way she will come back to me is if she wants to. This is exactly what everyone has been preaching to me, and I now get it. One thing that concerns me is she expressed that she has to have the feeling of love before she can return to me. I struggle with that because I think that love is something that needs to be initiated, prodded and helped along a little. It is not something that will just magically happen one day....maybe I am wrong
I did it based on my own insecurities. I started searching for the magic bullet that would explain her actions and the total demise of our marriage. I went through emails, phone records, facebook, etc. What I found was that she had been contacting people outside of our circle of friends, making phone calls to numbers I didn't recognize and the ultimate was in a text I found where she was telling some man (I do not know who) that she was basically done with the marriage and moving on. She mentioned in that text that our D would be fine, "kids are resilient". After finding this information, I went into orbit and acted out immediately. Afterwords, I quickly realized my mistake. I over analyzed and exaggerated everything and painted a picture of infidelity and total departure from our marriage. I let my imagination run wild and depicted a worse situation than it really was. I'm learning as I go.....
I had a major setback this past week. I broke down and phoned my wife, basically threatening divorce and saying that I would not let her take me for all I had. 2 minutes after I hung up I could not believe what I did. I have been kicking myself for that move...stupid destructive behavior.
You know all this but really need to 100% live by it:
(1) Don't snoop again (2) GAL - I mean it. Try to get her out of your mind as much as you can and start doing things YOU enjoy. Get a hobby, read, workout, do something... (3) GAL part 2 - Reconnect with friends, go out. To clarify I mean same sex friends because the opposite sex could easily lead to more problems (4) Don't pursue or initiate (5) Read these everyday (or even better before any contact with W) until you can recite them: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607 (6) I would also stop talking to W's friends about sitch. Only a matter of time before something gets back to her and I doubt she'll think kindly of you talking with her friends. Many of my close friends are also friends with W and I don't talk about our sitch with them at all even though they are supporting R and not D. (7) Don't lose hope but keep expectations in check.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I asked him to do it in a way that hopefully leaves me out of the equation. He said he would come up with a solution, and he did not want to add any stress to our situation. He wants his own wife back, and he wants me to have mine. I am placing a lot of trust in him. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me.
Of course it will. This is just setting up for disaster. Your W will find out what you're doing at some point, and she will say "yup, he's the same controlling, manipulative person he's always been, I don't know why I thought he could change." Your best course of action right now is to back away from this. Quit talking to the guy.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I also gathered some information from a close friend of my wife and I. He spoke with her, and he feels the situation is basically what I suspected.
This could also be harmful, because since this is a mutual friend it WILL get back to your W that you were fishing for info. More controlling behavior. It is OK to talk to mutual friends, but NOT about the R. Talk to them about how great you are doing, what your GAL activities are, how good you feel and how much fun you're having. THAT is the kind of info you want getting back to your W, not that you're sad, lonely, depressed and pumping everyone you know for little rays of hope. The former will make your W realize you're detaching and she may very well start worrying she'll lose you. The latter will just reaffirm her belief that leaving you is the right thing to do.
I am at my wits end. As much as I try to follow the DB guidelines, I continue to fall off base. After chasing away the possible EA, I decided to engage my wife one last time before falling way back. I sat her down and calmly, collected my thoughts, and apologized for treating her the way I have for so long. I poured it out to her. I expressed that I have been negligent with her feelings and I lacked giving her the nurturing that she needed. I promised her with all of my heart that I had learned from my mistakes and wanted to be a better man for her. I wanted to hold her hand, go for walks and do all of those things that we stopped doing some time ago. I wanted to feel her touch and share our days together. I also want to do more things with each other and be apart less. These have been her biggest issues with our relationship, and the underlying cause of our actions and conflicts.
Of course, before going into this I knew her reaction would be to pull away even farther. She did test me on several things, but I feel that I responded to them from the heart. She expressed that she has nothing but the past to use as a comparison, so she felt I wasn't going to be able to make the changes I promised. She didn't believe me. I know I can, and I know I want to. I promised her that I could. I told her the only reason I was saying all of this was because I have had a change of heart and needed to get it off my chest. I honestly have had an awakening about my love for my wife during the last couple weeks. I couldn't bear the weight of carrying it, if we were to split indefinitely. I told her I needed to express it fully. Then, I asked her to consider it, really consider it. That was yesterday. At this point, I plan on pulling back. I asked everyone that has been taking my side in this issue, friends and family, to pull back as well in regards to pressuring her. It is time to just let her reflect and live. Hopefully she realizes she wants to give it another try, but of course that decision is only hers to make. I have said and done everything I can, with the exception of following the darn DB guidelines.....grrrr
Now it is time to settle in and really focus on my 180's. I know I was waaaay off base to DB thinking, but I felt this was something I had to do. Hopefully it didn't put me too far off track.
OK, you got it off your chest. Now DO NOT say anything about it again!! She knows and she'll remember. You don't have to keep reminding her of the convo. Now would be the perfect time to show her you're serious about what you said. Put the plan into action. Lovingly detach. Give her time and space. Remove ALL pressure. No snooping. No talking to her friends. No talking to family. No asking anyone to intervene. Leave her alone! Spend your time reading DR again. Make a list of your 180's and read it every day. Stick with it.
