Reading a post from one of the more experienced posters on the forum has made me question if this is even worth it.
The gist of the post was that LBS often has been given clues if not outright descriptions and requests from the WAS of what was needed by the WAS to remain happy in the marriage. When the LBS doesn't pick up or respond to those requests, eventually the WAS gets so frustrated that they shut down and eventually initiate Divorce. The Big D can be the thing that shakes the LBS to the point of realizing what changes actually needed to be made. Unfortunately, The WAS is so sick of it all the won't accept the potential for change in their S.
This makes me wonder if there is any point to try and Remedy my Divorce situation. I would love to hear from a WAW about their thoughts on this.
I've read the WAS forum and don't see much openess for possibility of change in their S within their posts.
I had a major setback this past week. I broke down and phoned my wife, basically threatening divorce and saying that I would not let her take me for all I had. 2 minutes after I hung up I could not believe what I did. I have been kicking myself for that move...stupid destructive behavior.
Since then, I have really opened my eyes and WILL NOT try to to destroy my marriage on my own, ever again. I did talk to her the next day. She initiated the call to tell me that she would never try to take me for all I had. I told her that I was very sorry about lashing out and that I was simply acting out in fear and anger. I told her that I understood why she wanted this separation and that she was right. Things are bad between us.
For the obvious reasons above, my wife is becoming more and more forward with me about her conviction to move on, at least I "think". I am just so confused. She told me, during a meeting with her to discuss our custodial times with our daughter, that having a calender of days would allow me to move on with my life. That hurt. I "think" that means she is not even considering the possibility of giving us a chance anymore, or maybe I am reading too much into that?
I have been working on my 180's and trying to be upbeat when we speak. I am also working on myself, dressing nicer, still losing more weight, hanging out with friends. I have been trying not to pursue her, and I am getting much better, but still make the mistake of reaching out and trying to grasp at reconnecting from time to time.
This weekend in our town there is a Christmas parade. I have taken my daughter every year since she was born. I asked my wife if she was taking our daughter. She replied, "yes". Then, I asked if it would be ok if I tagged along. My wife said she didn't think it would be a good idea. I understood that and said, "that was perfectly ok, no problem", saying it in an upbeat manner and just left it at that. After we ended the phone call, She responded by texting this, "I am trying to keep things good between us, but not confuse things. I think for now it is best that we not hang out. I don't want to offer you false hope. I will be there Christmas morning to open Santa gifts for (daughter). I am having friends over and we are going to the parade together. I'm spending time with friends that don't feel stuck in the middle and awkward around me. I am sorry" I responded to that by simply saying "no that's totally ok. I wanted to go for (daughter). Honestly though, I hope you have fun". I am still just so confused with what is happening. I realize mistakes I have made and I want so badly to be given that second opportunity to prove myself. I know I cannot change her mind. She will have to figure it out on her own. I just pray she chooses to give our family that second chance.
I tried to send you a private message, but it appears you have it turned off. If you want, I would like to speak with you about our situations. Just PM me your number and we can chat.
I had a major setback this past week. I broke down and phoned my wife, basically threatening divorce and saying that I would not let her take me for all I had. 2 minutes after I hung up I could not believe what I did. I have been kicking myself for that move...stupid destructive behavior.
Oh my god stop this right now. I know you know now you shouldn't have done that but you might have a breakdown again and do similar thing to eventually destroy your possible savable marriage on your own! I've myself passed my desperate self destructive phase and working on myself now but I know I was in your shoes right after my H dropped D on me. As much as your wife needs her space, you really do need your time alone to yourself to think things through. Ever since I started giving my H space, I have so much time just to go to a coffee shop and think, read books and think, go for a walk and think. And let me tell you I've already discovered/noticed so many things I contributed in this marriage to push my H to the edge. I'm a W and also am (or was) hypocritical of things and was very negative about pretty much everything.
I'm telling you. One setback to her feels like a major setback. Do not ever have a setback like this or you might really lose her. I wanted to write this because I'm also rooting for you!
I "think" that means she is not even considering the possibility of giving us a chance anymore, or maybe I am reading too much into that?
You are likely correct, she is not considering another chance. That doesn't mean she won't consider it later (months from now), just not now. So don't pressure her about it. For me the clock started at BD, but I recently found out that for my W the clock didn't start until S. So it seems like it's been a long time to me that this has been going on (almost 6 months), but her perception is that it's been too short (2-1/2 months) to sort out yet.
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I have been working on my 180's and trying to be upbeat when we speak. I am also working on myself, dressing nicer, still losing more weight, hanging out with friends. I have been trying not to pursue her, and I am getting much better, but still make the mistake of reaching out and trying to grasp at reconnecting from time to time.
I know what you mean, but believe me, I've been there and it will not give you answers and it will not benefit your sitch.
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Then, I asked if it would be ok if I tagged along.
Ouch. Well hopefully you learned not to invite yourself. It's OK if you plan something with D and invite W along, but don't invite yourself along when W plans it. The idea when inviting W is you're going with or without her. So you say something like "D and I are going to 'x', you're welcome to join us if you wish." Make it clear you're going with or without her, and that you don't really care that much whether she goes or not. That's acceptable under DB'ing, but anything else is pursuit. ESPECIALLY inviting yourself.
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I am still just so confused with what is happening. I realize mistakes I have made and I want so badly to be given that second opportunity to prove myself.
It was confusing for me too, because early after BD W sent signals that made it look like she was working on things. But inwardly she was done, done, done. It wasn't until after W left that I realized the confusion was all mine, she was set on leaving the whole time.
Found out today that W is speaking with another man. He is someone we both know, but very little, more of an acquittance. He is also going through a similar separation situation and they have been sharing their experiences. His wife left him for another man. I spoke with him on the phone for a long time, and he seemed very genuine that there is no bad intentions. I expressed that I felt ANY interaction or a buildup of a friendship would be a negative impact on our marriage. He sounded very focused on wanting his family back as well and agreed with my views. He verbally agreed to stop talking with her. Not 100% sure what to think about this, but I did feel he was being totally forthright and wanted our marriage to come back together. Any input here?
I had a major setback this past week. I broke down and phoned my wife, basically threatening divorce and saying that I would not let her take me for all I had. 2 minutes after I hung up I could not believe what I did. I have been kicking myself for that move...stupid destructive behavior.
Why do you think you did this?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
