The current game plan she wants is to visit the kids M-F anytime she wants and weekends she gets the kids. I assume the same thing for me (visit anytime). Of course this leads me to why is she leaving?
The game plan, i would rather go with is M-F, i get the kids since we agreed I can fit my schedule to met our kids needs. Friday night, she would pick them up and drop them off Sunday Night. I would allow visitation rights, if she gives me notification (few hours ahead of time). Essentially if we are going to split and continue the path of D, then i want to start what it would look like later. Because If I am with another women, i doubt she will be pleased if my EX-W just drops in anytime she wants. I sure as heck, don't want to see her with OM.
She wants to think, I am suggesting this for myself but it is for the kids stablity. I don't want the kids to be confused, where Mom is leaving the house every day to go back to her apartment. Or we act like a family everyday, then one day when her OM comes along, things change.
We can't do split days or split weeks because her job isn't flexible. Plus I am not into the whole 2-3-2 day format or every other week because of our job flexibility and I don't want to play maid (she originally wanted me to watch the kids during the day, as I work, when she finished work, she would pick them up)
The problem is...legally i can't stop her from visiting the house anytime she wants unless D actually happened. Hence why i am debating if i should just sign it as soon as it comes.
I hope to talk to her about this situation and make her understand we need to do what is best for the kids, not what is best for us. Because lets face it, we are selfish for our own needs. Yes, I want her to experience the pain of reality.
She got this grand picture if she is with the OM. That we would be co-parent and best friends and our kids will grow up fine with no issues. The truth is, if she leaves, she has her life, I have my life. We can co-parent, but I am not her babysitter. I already made it clear, if she goes on dates with OM on weekends, I will not baby sit for her, she needs to find someone who will help or she needs to baby for a baby sitter. Can't come to me and expect i drop my own plans for her.
So TG, we are both stuck in similar situations. I think the only way to stop them is to legally sign the D papers unless you can reason with your H.
Either that, start going out on days he is coming to visit the kids. Force your H to spend time with them alone, while you go out. Make up dates with girls/guys to keep yourself mysterious.
I figure, if my W won't stop visiting, then i will simply leave when she comes home. But I won't do this, until I am done wine and dining her like a date (after all it is a new R). Make myself mysterious, make her wonder what I am doing.
Maybe thats what you need to do with your H, make yourself sexy, go get a new hair style, dress nice and when he comes visit, you go out. Or tell him to babysit the kids, while you go out. When you get back, bring back a beautiful smile and glow of postive energy.
There are advantages with your H visiting everyday...entice him, help him remember that beautiful person who he married. Don't be needy be exotic. I hate to say it, but this is a game...and the OM/OW is doing things to entice our spouses. Its only fair play we do the same thing.
At the end if my game plan backfires...well its not like things can get any worse....haha..she left anyway.
So for fun..I signed up for E-harmony...I put down seperated and at the end, it says sorry we can't help you....but it gave me a personality profile about me...I found it to be interesting after answering like 100 questions.
This is my Emotional Stablity
Everyone, including you, runs into those moments when emotions rise up and you get caught off guard and have to deal with someone whose feelings are out of control. Life just comes at us like this. When you face such moments you are steady, composed, and as solid as a rock. While others might be swept up in the emotions of the moment, you are able to remain calm and collected. When others cannot think straight you remain unflappable and clear-headed. A fundamental truth about you when it comes to your emotional world is that you are very confident and very secure.
You may be as solid as a rock, but you are not as cold as stone. When life is calm and you are safe, you get in touch with your emotions. You laugh with your friends and share tender moments with those you're close to. You might tear up watching a movie or some tragic story on the evening news. And you're no stranger to fear, when the future is threatening or some danger sneaks into your thoughts at night, you feel the fear in the pit of your stomach. But you know how to get through these moments. You marshal your very competent brain, get your thoughts up on top of your feelings, and think of a way to cope. Before long you're calm and stable again.
Kind explains how i can detach pretty quickly.
This part is how i interact with people
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.
But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.
You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you.
But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.
I don't know if its some magic generic profile but it sure seems spot on about me....
Maybe one day, i might have to re-register as divorced, so maybe i can get some hits...haha..wouldn't it be funny if you found your Spouses through this....
LS, YOur last comment about finding your S through the e-harmony profile is HYSTERICAL!
About child visitation. The "D" word hasn't actually come up in any conversation w my H yet (except for his comments about it in general--"I wonder WHY people get D", "did you know so-&-so are divored? etc). So, visitation is what we decide it to be for now.
I actually had a "mock" conversation in my head about what I would say to H if/when OW becomes a more-than-at-work EA (not that that's not bad enough). It went something like this,
"H, I am hurt that you have made a decision to proceed forward with your R w OW. That means you have made a conscious CHOICE to be with her and NOT R w me. It also means that you are choosing her over the very core foundation of our FAMILY-US as H/W. And, b/c of that our FAMILY is no longer the same. Because you are choosing HER & HER FAMILY (she has 2 young children) over your own I feel that visitations need to change. I cannot move on w my own life if you continue to visit boys here while I am here hanging out every weekend all day long. While I always want you to be an important part of the boys' lives & will encourage their R with you, I cannot be part of these FAMILY visits, as our family is no long the same. So, I propose that we split the weekend & either you visit the boys here & I leave for the day OR you take the boys out for the day & find things to do somewhere else or to your apartment. DUring the week your daily visits after school are fine as we don't see each other much any way. I do NOT want the boys to EVER be living in two different homes, as I think that is best FOR THEM."
SOrry to go on, but really wanted your opinion if this conversation sounds okay.....or should I just go dark and no bring up the new arrangement (let him continue to visit but just leave if I feel like it & ignore him while he's here, etc).
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
In my opinion, one of the reasons why my timeline is 6 months is because I am willing to see what happens. This even means if she has multiple OM (nightmare scenerio). The only thing I can do now is, continue to DB, 180, and GAL for myself. If she see's the changes, I hope she is thinking "I would be a fool to leave this marriage". I can't control her actions with the OM, her mind, etc. I only want to show that, I am there for her through this tough time and if its without me, then fine.
I am going to play your "H". If I heard your conversation this is the 2 things I would be thinking.
-I already made a decision to leave the family and most likely in my "Fog" thought it would be a happy ending. -Your using the kids to make me feel guilty
When you are ready to "Drop the Rope", I suggest you keep the conversation short.
H, I understand what you are going through. I want to be there for your journey, I was there for during the last X months but I can no longer stand by you when I don't have respect for myself. I know this is hard for you and I know you have doubts if our M will be better but you need to find your answers on this alone. Once you found your answer, you know where to find me.
Going foward, I am going to file D (you can leave this part out). I want a 50/50 custody, as you are the father of the kids. However during custody, I think its best we spend time with our own kids as individual parent. This will allow you to have space and time with your children. This will also allow our kids to have a closure on our family, so they can heal. I know you want me to move foward and with this step, I can slowly move on. I still love you (even if you don't love me) and will always remember the happy times we had. I wish you well in your journey.
This is something i will be telling my W at somepoint, if i she wont' comeback. But once you say this, there is no going back, you got to keep moving. We don't know how our Spouses will react on this. They might be relieved, they might feel guilt later.
I suggest, you do this when things are on a good note, not after an arguement. Always leave on a good note. Never talk about the OW (only if he brings it up, but keep it short). Your not interested in the OW, your only interested in H/W talks.
The point is, dont' sound needy, don't talk about the OM, don't point his flaws out. State the facts, you care, you tried, you wanted him, you need to move on and you want the best for him regardless what happens.
My W went on a business trip..Well i would like to think so but you know how all LBS at this stage think something is always up. Took a deep breath, looked at my 3 boys and simply told myself, its her loss, i get more time to spend with the 3 boys
Before she left, we had a great time. Spent some family moments with the kids, I flirted with her. I know she enjoyed it because she smiled alot and wanted to keep talking. When it was time for her to leave, she left slowly, meaning she was supposed to leave a certain time, but she kept extending it. She cooked and I cleaned. She tried helping me clean and I told her "Go sit your pretty self down and let this man clean the dishes and table". When she tried to help, i gave her a small bump and said your invading my kitchen with a smile
Of course she left, i asked her to text me when she got there, but she never did. I don't plan on texting her back. 2 can play that game.
In all, i tried to make sure every day i spend with her and the kids, its fun, its different.
To be honest, I can see how couples get bored after a while, its always the same routine. Work, comeback home, cook, clean, eat with the family, maybe TV, or some individual stuff. This DB, 180, Gal stuff has opened my eyes, with a little effort, you can make relationships more exciting by just doing something different. For example, flirting with your spouse, all of us probably just get used to our spouse and we simply stop flirting (especially after 5+ years of marriage), but if you can manage flirt once in a while, its amazing what a little can do. Flirting is safe, it doesn't intrude their space physically, it just tells your spouse "i find you attractive" and it makes you look "playful"
I guess thats why, lately I may have this great pain/love for my W, but I know with learning I am doing, my next R is going to be awesome.
We went to chucky cheese to spend time with the kids for 2 hours. I asked her to Come home to spend time with the kids because she has not spent time with them for the last 3 Days.
She says she is tired and doesn't want the kids to see her tired. Says she will go to Store to buy some stuff. I said, I can follow you home to make sure your safe. She doesn't want me to follow. Says she will text me when she gets back to her apartment.
2 hours later, I text her to make sure she is okay. No reply. After few more minutes she replies to say she is sleeping. So I asked her where is your address to your apartment. She doesn't give it to me. I said why are you lying to me? Says she went to a bar......................
That blew me away......lied about not having energy to spend time with the kids and then lied to me about sleeping and being out......
I had enough of the lies. I tried to DB and 180 but sometimes a man needs to know when enough is enough. I been supporting her through this ordeal.
Had enough, I threw all her stuff outside. Told her I am done, enjoy your new life. I can't take the lying, I can't take her attitude towards the kids....
Now I am debating if I can win full custody of the kids...
Lie about the affair, lie about being too tired for the kids, then lying again about something so stupid.
All she had to do was tell me earlier she wanted to go out......
Well now I dropped that rope and there is no turning back.
In my opinion, one of the reasons why my timeline is 6 months is because I am willing to see what happens. This even means if she has multiple OM (nightmare scenerio). The only thing I can do now is, continue to DB, 180, and GAL for myself. If she see's the changes, I hope she is thinking "I would be a fool to leave this marriage". I can't control her actions with the OM, her mind, etc. I only want to show that, I am there for her through this tough time and if its without me, then fine.
To this:
Originally Posted By: lostsoul13
Had enough, I threw all her stuff outside. Told her I am done, enjoy your new life. I can't take the lying, I can't take her attitude towards the kids....
Now I am debating if I can win full custody of the kids...
Lie about the affair, lie about being too tired for the kids, then lying again about something so stupid.
All she had to do was tell me earlier she wanted to go out......
Well now I dropped that rope and there is no turning back.
In two days because of a few lies?
What page in DR/DB is this technique on?
Giving up at any time is always our option. But doing it with such anger is not in our best interest.
I think you guys can still turn this around but you may have made it more difficult for yourself. I'm wishing the best for you and your family, LS.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
