but she holds anything negative to heart for a very long time. She still brings up an email I wrote her during a fight in 2007.
Talk about bringing up old things, during one of our earlier arguments after she dropped the bomb she brought up something I did in college (in 1993). I was in shock and told her I had no idea what she was talking about. I couldn't believe she held something that long. I then went a little too far and apologized for crapping in my diaper when I was a baby and said I hoped she wouldn't use that against me in a future argument... I've since learned to just deal with these type of things. My response would be different now thanks to these forums.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Her biggest complaint in our marriage is my arguing. I am hypercritical by nature and usually feel that I have to argue and win every conversation. I know this is a problem I have, and I am trying to work on it.
I was also the type that had to win every argument. I also could never bring myself to say I was sorry. There's a saying around here that is burned into my mind now- do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married? We can't be both. Trying to be "right" all the time just drives our spouses away.
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My wife also complains that I do no validate her, say she's pretty often enough or lift up her spirits, which is true to a point.
Don't think of it as true "to a point", because to her it is a huge issue or she wouldn't have brought it up to you. Also don't think of it as her "complaining". She is trying to tell you something. Are you hearing it? What are you doing about it? Read the 5 Love Languages, it teaches a lot about validation.
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She has been extremely loyal to me throughout our relationship and she is a fantastic mother.
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I feel she goes off too often for a wife and a mother.
Read the two statements above. Ask yourself which is true. If she is "extremely loyal" to you and a "fantastic mother", then does she not deserve to go to a concert with friends and enjoy herself? And should you not support her in that rather than try to bring her down and shame her over it?
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On my end, sex is literally off the table. The last time was 6 months ago.
Huge red flag. People want and need sex, if they don't get it in their marriage they'll get it somewhere else.
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The decrease in our sex life started shortly after my daughter turned 1. My wife always seemed not into it. My daughter started sleeping in our bed about that time.
We made the same mistake with our S. Every counselor in the world will tell you that's a major mistake, it destroys your sex life and creates a rift in the marriage. It's not good for the child either.
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What she hopes for during this separation is to find herself. She has told me that she doesn't know if we will be together at the end, or if we will never be together again. She just claims not to know.
It's not a "claim", she really doesn't know. WAS's typically are very confused about what they want and where things are going in the future. They need time and space to sort their thoughts out.
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She also says she doesn't love me right now, but will always care deeply for me.....From reading on these forums, that part sounds like bullsh1t.
It's not BS, she absolutely does feel that way. She loves you (in the friend sense) but is not in love with you (in the romantic/ emotional sense).
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I just don't know how to handle it.
Read DR again and again. Read other threads on these forums, there are many sitches like yours in various stages. Detach, GAL, give your W time and space. Settle in for a long haul, it'll take many months to begin to see progress.
but she holds anything negative to heart for a very long time. She still brings up an email I wrote her during a fight in 2007.
Talk about bringing up old things, during one of our earlier arguments after she dropped the bomb she brought up something I did in college (in 1993). I was in shock and told her I had no idea what she was talking about. I couldn't believe she held something that long. I then went a little too far and apologized for crapping in my diaper when I was a baby and said I hoped she wouldn't use that against me in a future argument... I've since learned to just deal with these type of things. My response would be different now thanks to these forums.
I had to smile when I read this because if you read many threads written by women, you see "he can't remember the kid's schedule"..."birthday"..."doctor's appt"..."he says he'll do [whatever] and then forgets", etc.
The male and female brains are different; it's just a part of the package. I think understanding that can go along way to not taking such offense at it. It is what it is.
So what can you do when those things come up? How about say something like: "You've mentioned that in the past so I know it was important to you. I apologize, I was wrong."
If she brings it up again say, "I know and I have apologized."
Do you find that it's unresolved issues that you keep hearing about? Or things are repeated?
Don't read only men's threads. You are married to women so reading those threads might give you an insight you won't get anywhere else.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I appreciate all the support. It really helps coming home to read this thread and share my problems. I hope when I settle in a bit, I can share my experiences towards other peoples situations.
I have a phone coaching session this morning, and boy do I need it. I have to say, since waking up at 2am to start my day (That's normal during this, right?) I have been feeling pretty pessimistic about our chances of reconciling. It just seems like the problems have been ongoing for too long, and my wife's conviction to get on with her life is much too strong. I just didn't realize it, and I am blaming myself for that. I've been reading though lots of threads and it seems like these things almost never straighten back out once they reach the point of separation. I would be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged, but I am going to keep up the fight. Looking for some motivation from my phone coaching today
In regards to my 180. I have been struggling with a couple things. I realize that I need to basically reverse my previous actions, which raises a problem. I didn't validate her much, if any. I also have been keeping my distance and not talking to her that much, for a long time. How do I address those things while still staying my distance and not sounding like I am pursuing her?
Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there's enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.
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I didn't validate her much, if any. I also have been keeping my distance and not talking to her that much, for a long time. How do I address those things while still staying my distance and not sounding like I am pursuing her?
Read the book I mentioned earlier (5LL), it gives a lot of great advice for many different ways you can validate and show love without actually saying ILY. One example from my sitch is my W comes over to my house and gets the kids ready for school every day which allows me to leave for work earlier. The tradeoff is I pick them up every day even on her weeks, but still, I've told her "I really appreciate you coming over and getting the kids ready, I know it's a lot of work and it's really great of you to do this." That's speaking "words of affirmation", one of the LL. And it's doing it in a non-pursuing manner. That's the sort of thing you can do.
My wife and I are actually doing that same thing. Ileave for work at 6am. So, the days I have my daughter my wife comes by to get her ready for school. I have been telling her how much I appreciate that.
Thanks for the links too. I need a little hope right about now
I've been reading though lots of threads and it seems like these things almost never straighten back out once they reach the point of separation. I would be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged, but I am going to keep up the fight. Looking for some motivation from my phone coaching today
Again I have a rueful smile as I read this. The statistics are not in your favor because by the time you admit you have a problem things are reeeeaaallly bad.
But sometimes marriages are reconciled, so that's what we shoot for.
My idea of success has changed since I came here.At that time I hated to read those posts about how life was wonderful without H and now my thread is becoming that. Don't worry abut the future, just take each day as it comes and work on yourself.
Saving yourself and becoming a better person is a good goal and sometimes through that marriages are saved.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Maybe marrying multiple spouses makes sense, then if you have a WAS you already have a backup plan, LOL!
