Yes he can be passive aggressive. H also somewhat controlling. Has been bugging me to get contacts but the doctor advised against it and h won't accept it. So I took off my glasses at a restaurant and h was looking around the room. Seemed to me he was looking at a woman behind me several times but denied it. Also, doesn't always take my feelings into consideration if he disagrees with me. So if he wants to hold me in bed should I do it? Should I say something about it being a two way street?
He really does have issues, doesn't he? If your doctor has advised getting contacts, then listen to your doctor. Your h sounds like he's trying to "change" you. I wonder if the person he's interested in wears contacts or maybe doesn't wear them and he's trying to "model" you into a copycat version of her.
You do realize that he's most likely going to continue to want to change you into his dream woman. You'll eventually get tired of being pretezled by him and he still won't be happy w/the new and improved woman he's made you into.
You have to be the one to determine if you are willing to allow him to hold you. I, personally, wouldn't allow it, especially if he's been acting like a total @ss towards me and treating me like a possession and not a human being. You deserve better than the crumbs he tosses you when he wants you to hold him and reassure him w/your hugs, etc.
One of the ways to get your self respect back is to set boundaries and those boundaries should include what type of behavior you will or will not allow and you need to stick w/them no matter what type of crap he throws at you. You deserve to be treated better than the way he's been treating you.
He's definitely got something going on w/that passive aggressive behavior and the temper tantrums. He may be having some real issues emotionally and can't control that anger. Guilt must be eating him up and yes, mlcers can get really nasty. I worry about you being around him when he's that way.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He has not been physically abusive. I told him I am not getting contacts. I don't fit into his box regarding what a "wife" should be and neither do the kids. I believe that irks him. I feel he is somewhat jealous when I fix things (which I enjoy and he does not do) then I get the threats about money or when I did some molding in the bathroom he said we'd have to remove it incase of a flood.(I told him he better not and he didn't) I wanted him to be proud not mad. I think I will tell him if he wants to hug me only at night in bed that it's got to be more than just things his way. It's like being used.
Rachael, It's not "like being used"...you are being used. He's playing the "emotional" abuse card w/you and that's part of the passive aggressive personality, as well as a mix of mlc.
You should be very proud of what you accomplish and do not allow him to take you down. He sounds so much like my xh who was very passive aggressive and a nasty mlcer.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have to tell you Rachael, that after reading these posts, my first thought is that Snodderly is right - he's trying to change you. I also agree that it doesn't work well. You could change and change and change... in the end you'll only not recognize yourself and he'll still be unhappy most likely.
My second thought: Do you remember when you were dating? Do you remember how your attitude was then? What you would or would not put up with (so to speak)? I can't think of a reason to be different about it now.
I tried the path of being changed. I figured out it didn't matter, but in the end it did make me laugh. Out loud and loudly. I remember that day as I was walking into work and thought, "damn. I'm damn near perfect according to her." My co-workers thought I had lost it She even tried to dress me differently (like the boyfriends I guessed.) That was years ago now, but I recall that moment like it was yesterday.
There was nothing for me to change in that regard. Very little overall, but there were some I wanted to change and did. Only one of the things were what she communicated when it was all said and done. She still wasn't (and isn't from the looks of it) happy. Know why? Because it wasn't about me just like it isn't about you.
Set real and honest boundaries. If he's going to come back to the marriage, he has to respect you and the boundaries and has to WANT to come back. Being you and being authentic is the best shot at that and is the best shot at your own happiness. I've seen it dozens of times with many couples, and I've never seen it work any differently.
If that helps.
Be you, be authentic, and let him do his part and make his own choices. Don't settle for anything else at any time, Rachael. It's important in the long run and the short term is not very important when all is said and done.
Hope that helps, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Rachael, I want to share something w/you about changes. When my xh was living at home the last 7 months of his being under our roof, he would mention various things that he wanted me to change. Here's one that I still laugh about today. He wanted me to be at the door and wave to him as he left for work. As he walked by me, he wanted me to give him a little peck on the check. This was to be done every morning he was leaving for work. He left for work at 5:00 a.m. every other day and this included weekends. So, not knowing what the h@ck I was dealing with. I did it. This pretzeling last exactly 3 days and he completely ignored the changes I had made for him. He moved on to other things.
His final weekend at home, he stated several times that nothing had changed and when I asked him what he wanted changed, he couldn't tell me. It's about them and what they are going through. They are the ones changing ever 10 seconds and we could pretzel all night long and it will never be enough or they'll come up w/something new. It is important that YOU are happy with YOU. Don't make changes unless you know that they are ones that YOU really need to make.
On another note, you need to start a new thread. I believe you've gone over the 100 posting mark for this one and someone will be along to remind you soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the advice. Now last light I avoided being around husband and went to bed before him. When he came to bed he wanted to talk about the company christmas party. I had told him I didn't want to go because ow would probably be there. He said he knew that but he got the tickets because he wants me to get over this.He had been telling me for awhile that she had a serious boyfriend. That may be true because I went somewhere where I knew she would be and there was a man with her.
He told me that he is not talking to, or seeing her. But that he did email her at work to see if she and her boyfriend were going and of course they are. He told me that he told her that he does not want to see or talk to her. Now that may be possible because there are about 1500 people attending this thing at a big fancy hotel. He also wants us to stay overnight. At first I was pissed but my DB coach has told me to go and hold my head up high. I am the wife. So last night I told him I would think about it and get back to him. Perhaps the coach was right because I told my husband if I saw her I could pull her aside and go off on her and he knows it. He said If he was seeing her still he wouldn't have told me all this. Could be right. I am not getting contacts to please him. I know it would make no difference.
Snodderly, he doesn't know what he wants and it seems he can't give me what I want because he says he still goes through numb feelings. Therefore I need to do as everyone advises and create distance and detach but be polite. Hard sometimes to detach. I am in the process of finding a job to get me out as well.
Go to the top of this forum and hit "new topic". You will need to come up with a subject line.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would go to the party and have fun. Hold your head up high, back straight and put a smile on your face and just be yourself. There will be so many people there, that the ow and her boyfriend will be nothing but gnats.
As for him still feeling numb...that's the depression talking.
A job would be a nice way to get out of the house and become even more independent and have money of your own. It's a nice way to meet people and a change of scenery. Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She even tried to dress me differently (like the boyfriends I guessed.) That was years ago now, but I recall that moment like it was yesterday.