Rachael, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on. But in reading this, my first thought is that only you can know when you've had enough and need things to be different. Only you know when you're ready to face that. I don't think anyone can say one way or another what you should do exactly, but I do think you'll know when you get there.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Does anyone have stories of how a husband has turned around? I mean one who is verbally mean at times, non affectionate even when the wife has requested it many times, and selfish who actually changed? I pray for my h everyday for respect, love and attention. He hurts me time and time again even though he wants to "work on the marriage" He never was super affectionate and selfish. Some days I get depressed wishing he were different and feeling trapped in a bad marriage. The mlc and affair made things worse. H rarely apologizes for his behavior which makes it worse.
Rachael, Your h is still very much in anger/replay stage of mlc and believe it or not, he's going to have period of anger for quite some time.
My advice, and please listen to what I'm saying...stop asking him to be affectionate w/you...this makes him extremely angry and the guilt of not being there for you is creating the anger.
His behavior is not "working on the marriage". The words working on a marriage is mlc lingo for getting you to back off. He told you what you wanted to hear.
When he gets verbally mean, walk away and go into another room. Change the subject and watch how he becomes a bit confused and will actually stop the bs.
Continue to pray for him, but you need to step back, give him so much room that he'll choke on it and leave him be. The more you try to get him to be affectionate and return to the marriage as a husband, the more he's going to pull away and lash out at you. Why? Because you are shoving him up against the wall and he's coming out swinging. Leave him in the ring fighting w/himself, i.e., give him absolutely no excuse/justification for what he's doing.
Now, there are a few success stories and I believe they are posted somewhere on the forum. I'll look for them, but I can honestly tell you that many of them have had issues just as you have had and they had to step back, detach, live their lives as if the mlcer were never coming back. The anger, lack of affection, etc., are all part of the mlc. Again, your h is no where near being finished w/his crisis. The words "working on the marriage" is a bunch of bs that your mlcer is telling you. I heard the exact same thing and the only one working on my marriage was me...just like you are trying to do.
Start focusing on you and what you can do to make things better for yourself. Leave your man alone to deal w/his issues.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here's the thread with some of the success stories. The thread is at the top of the mlc forum. Please keep in mind that many who turn things around don't come back to post as piecing is very difficult and requires a lot of patience and time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly H yelled and yelled about not finding a remote changer the day before thanksgiving, and banged on the kids doors to interrogate them. I usually get up and try to frantically find whatever he's yelling about. This time I did not. Later I found it on the couch where it was under an envelope. I was mad and said I would not go to his moms but after consulting with my counselor he said I should give him a pass and let him know I am giving him a pass. So I did but he gave no apology for terrible tantrum he had. Then on Thanksgiving H was worried about his health (eyes bugging him) and I hugged him practically all night because he wanted to and I feel I need affection. But 2 nights later he was irritated by little things I say. I told him "remember thursday when I comforted you?" yes he did. I said that was loving but it's not loving when you are irritated at me for just being me. Then I dropped it and he said nothing.
This week I have been pleasant but I have not hugged or kissed him. I went through depression yesterday and some today. I feel like I am never going to have the respect and love I want from him. But I figure I will hang in there for awhile longer and keep praying. thanks for the link to the success stories. Hope I will be one.
You did right in telling him what he did wrong and the consequences of his actions. Now you have to get to the point where he will "willingly" give you affection. Pull back a bit and see if he follows.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have been pulling back this week. Before I would hug him or tell him I love him. H has gone to a couple of counselling sessions. He is supposed to go next week. Yes I hope he will want to give me affection. I only get it when he is anxious or wants to be intimate. But that has been going on for a good deal of our marriage. It's just that I've never been happy with that and now I have made that clear. I'll see what he does.
Rachael, From what you posted in response to Mr. Bond's posting, I have this strange feeling that your h looks to you as a "mother figure". He seeks you out only when he is anxious or wants to be intimate, i.e., in other words for comfort. He needs to look at you as his wife, companion and mother of his children. He needs to learn to respect you for who you are. I do agree w/Mr. Bond that you need to pull back and allow him to come to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Geez, If that's true it's creepy. How on earth do I get him to see me as his wife then? I do I get his respect? He does not respect me and has not for some time. When I do things I am proud of like fixing plumbing,instead of being proud,he gets mad over money spent or will not say anything. Others complement me for things but he will not. He is still being non physical. I long to hold him and get affection but I am holding back and still talking and being pleasant.
Rachael, One of the things that I see here that he doesn't respect you or your capabilities. You have to change the way you interact w/him. First, don't beg for affection or his attention. Go about your business and just leave him alone. Second, this is going to be the hardest one for you...when he comes to you all anxious, etc., tell him you are sorry he feels that way and go on about your business. He needs to learn that you have needs as well and it is a two way street. Take back you respect. You are not a possession that he takes out and gives attention only when he feels that he needs a fix.
As you continue to make repairs, do not allow him to bring you down. You are accomplishing things that he should have done or be doing. For whatever reason, he is withholding himself from you and punishing you for some wrong that he thinks you have done. Is he passive-aggressive?
Continue to distance yourself from him and make a life for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
