Hey I got some gumpshun tonight! H was all depressed and wanted to talk. I told him trust is paramount. Since this second betrayal I can't handle it. I told him he promised no contact and broke it. He said we had other problems to talk about never mind the ow. Ha! I said this marriage has to be fixed one thing at a time and first and foremost is TRUST! I found out tonight that not only did he make calls but they had coffee. And H said what's wrong with that? Of course he didn't tell me because look how upset I get. H says he can't talk to me when I get that way. Boy you know that just pissed me off. Then he said I can't believe you are gonna keep on that. You are not listening to me I got alot goin on. Yadda, Yadda. I kept to the issue while he kept trying to dodge the elephant in the room.
I told him he has no remorse. He says he does. NOPe. Doesn't show any to me and is defiant and defends his contact with ow as if it's innocent. Last friday he said he was just friends with her and there's nothing wrong with that. well now he says that he was wrong but it was a kneejerk reaction to my snooping.
I asked him if he thought it was wrong to contact her after he promised me he wouldn't he said something like well yea. (not exactly his words) I read him something I found from a web site about remorse and what he should be doing if he wants to work on the relationship. He is doing nothing. I told him if he wants a friendship with her he may have it and then I am done. He can pack up and go. I told him he should be giving me passwords, letting me know where he is, getting counseling etc.
I said maybe you don't want to leave because you don't want to be alone. Then he said well according to you I have the ow. So that's not it. I said well then maybe shame cuz your mom would find out. H says no if I didn't want to be here I would be gone. So I said You want me? You do the work. You do something to regain trust. I have worked and worked and got nothing. Think about it. Goodnight. So I am sleeping in D's room. Let him ruminate.
Dr james dobson says sometimes a crisis must be forced. It's comin to that. He needs to suffer some consequences like being on his own.
What do you do when H just goes around in circles? Not remorseful about actions but wants to stay in the house. Wants me in our bed I think for comfort and seems to want to brush things under the rug. I keep harping on trust because it gnaws at me. H wants me to drop it. Wants to go away for the weekend. I told him I want him to go to counseling and go talk to a priest. H finally said he would but I can't be in same bedroom now. Then h said things would probably be better if he was dead. he has said this before and I would get all upset but I think its to guilt me so I change my mind. So I just said that wouldn't solve things. We sat in the living room and watched tv and h went to bed and I went to my d's room. I feel a little conflicted about what to do at times and then sometimes I want him out.
Rachael, The one thing that I would do is stop talking to him about it. It's very evident that he's not ready to face up to what he's done and the more you talk about it, the more he's going to want to shove it very hard under the rug. He's like a stubborn child who is going to show "mom" that he's the stronger of the two and will stand firm on his beliefs for now.
He's telling you what you want to hear about going to the counselor and the priest just to get you off of his back. Please stop "harping" on trust, etc. The more you push, the harder he's going to pull away.
You have to do what you need to do for yourself, i.e., sleeping in another bedroom, etc. You have to take care of yourself and allow God to work on your man...you can't make him do anything and you have no control over him. You are not his mother and you don't want him to look at you that way.
Please, please stop talking to him about all of this. He's not ready to do so. You have to keep the focus on YOU and allow God to work on him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ok Snodderly I have a question. If I am frustrated by lack of changes and rug sweeping how long do I wait? I know I don't want the former marriage. I feel that maybe he should leave and sort things out on his own more and more and then I have a bit of doubt. So do nothing right?
You got that right about not being able to control him. I feel sort of helpless in the same house with him acting like this. Sleeping in a different room is how I am coping with some of this.
If you honestly want to separate, then maybe it's time to do so, but I don't think you really do. I think you are having a "knee jerk" reaction right now to what you've discovered. If I were in your shoes, I would step back a bit and do nothing more in the way of discussions with him.
You might want to read hrm's threads. They might help you a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with all Snodderly said...You have done what you needed to do...From what you have described in H's actions and words, whether its pride, embarrassment or whatever, he isn't ready. Also, about your remorse and tears expectations, maybe you will not get those. Some people just do not emote that way, though the remorse IS there...when W has apologized to me for things recently, she wasn't all emotional and teary, which at first I did not like...but then I thought about her standard "overly emotional" ways, and her HPD/BPD traits, and thought..."hmm, maybe if she WAS very emotional and such, it could just be HPD/BPD hoovering, and I wouldn't/shouldn't trust it...maybe, MAYBE, because it was serious, yet not all emotional...MAYbe it is actually thought out and more sincere..." Could you look beyond and maybe see if the remorse is there, just shielded or something that isn't obvious? -- Make sense?
I wouldn't worry about making any major decisions right now...You stood up for yourself and stood up to him...let H stew in his own mess for awhile, let him consider the implications (telling mom, moving out, etc) of the reality you laid out. Know what I mean?
Hang in there!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
How about this Rachael, pulling from my own sitch...W doesn't "want to ever hear" that she flaunted her online activities and OM's...she knows she did, I know she did...and she knows that is cruel, and not the kind of person she sees herself as...she is embarrassed or mad at herself for being so mean and hurtful(maybe? or something)...she doesn't want to or can't face that side of herself right now, if ever...so she doesn't want to be reminded. If I were to persist in getting the confession and that I am right, how would it help the sitch? How would it help ME? What would I gain from it aside from being "right" and "justified"?? Maybe later, if an R happens, it will eventually be worked through... if we separate, then what does it matter?
hope that helps some
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
okay guys Snodderly and t you are right. I guess i don't want that separation in my heart of hearts.I feel a bit better tonight. H is out sailing with buddies. For now I will keep to daughters room at night. So h knows i mean business.
It's not just about being right it's about him actually doing something to regain trust. H is a wet dishrag about doing anything at all right now. Yes it's probably that mlc but I always kinda let him have his way and now that I have stood up to him it has made me feel better. I guess I had to get to the end of my rope and not be afraid anymore.
The ball's in his court and I will wait and see if h wants to do something now that the faithful hound dog (me) has given him a warning growl. He did say in a text today "know this, I still love you" What kind of love? ya got me.
Hello Been awhile since I've posted. Things are still not great. My husband has been having fits of explosive anger. The last one was over not finding a tv remote which was on the couch where he left it. I threatened to spend thanksgiving somewhere else and talked to my therapist who said I should give him a pass in the interest of not having him back out of therapy.
My son doesn't try his best because he hates school. He is planning on going into the service so I will be happy if he graduates. My husband has had strife with s because of school and my son borrows things without asking and loses them or breaks them. But my husband gets like a demon with his temper. He threatened to kick him out for borrowing his jacket without asking (he did it once before) and 2 weeks ago blew up at s over his grades and my son left for a week.
I had made a counselling appt. for tonight and my h backed out saying he had an astronomy club meeting. I looked it up and there is no meeting. I wonder if I should mention it or not. Is that considered snooping? I thought I would ask him how his meeting went and see what he says.
H is making efforts to spend time with me but when we are together he acts bored or distracted and I caught him looking at another woman. I said something like "why do you keep looking over there?" and he simply got mad and said "I always look around" H is annoyed at me frequently when I ask questions or even talk. I have told him I don't want to live like this and he just says "it's not just you" No it's with my son and sometimes my daughters as well. My friend, whom I have confided in thinks maybe he wants me to finally tell him to get out but he would still look like a heel. Also his mom and brother know nothing about his infidelity to me and they would have to know. H may or may not care if they do.
Should I mention that I know he is lying if he says he went to a meeting or let it be for now? I figure if he keeps this behavior up I will ask him to leave but after christmas. Then his mom will have to know but I won't ruin christmas.
