I can't seem to post anymore on my original post so I thought I would start a new one. I guess I'm now in phase 2 - H has moved out and moved in with OW (cause he's 40 and doesn't want to live with his parents quote unquote). My D and I and our dogs are still living in our family home and will be til at least the end of the school year.
This morning I'm at a loss as to what I should be sharing with him about our daughter and how she is reacting to all of this. She is 5 and knows that daddy had moved out "for a while" but doesn't know about OW. He is spending time at the house with her and we were out at an xmas function together this weekend. She's always very happy when he's around but then when he's gone she's sad and says a lot of things that break my heart. Last night after she went to bed she woke up screaming and crying for me so loud I actually thought someone was in her room. She was having a bad dream so I let her come to bed with me. When she got up this morning I asked her what her dream was about and she said when she woke up she didn't have a mom and dad. To put it more perspective for those who didn't read, we adopted our D 4 years ago. I told her she would always have a mom and dad and we loved her very much. She then said "mommy please don't leave" of course I told her I wouldn't. I told her it was okay to be sad sometimes and mommy would help her not be sad. She then while eating her breakfast drew a picture of just me and her. Broke my heart I haven't shared any of the things she has said or done with him, in fear that he thinks I'm "using" her to get him back. But should I be telling him these things? I know he would feel tremendous guilt but I don't want to be the person who makes him feel it, he needs to feel it himself. Any advice?
Firstly, my W moved out 9 1/2 months ago after 3 years of affairs and depression after her mother passed away and no intimacy.
She rarely visits or calls our S-9.
My S has said many things to me in private, such as, "I thought i would be sad, but I'm only a little sad and i don't miss Mommy that much, because she's never around and doesn't do anything with us anyways".
I was told to Not tell her, as that would be construed as manipulative and trying to guilt her and be pushing her even farther away.
They said that she would eventually find out on her own and it was not my responsibility to share that type of information with her anyways.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Thank you. This is what I am thinking as well. He has already said to me in the past that I was "using" our D to get him back and I was trying to "turn her against him". So I am not going to tell him.
Another question about GALing - I think I did the right thing here. My D and I have plans tonight to go to a spice party (baking and stuff) at my girlfriends house. Her kids are going to be home so I will have some grown up time and my D will have some time with her friends.
H emailed me last night and said he would call or stop by on his way home from work tonight as hes going out of town and literally drives right by our home to go to where he is living now. My response to him was "Actually D and I are going to XX house tonight...."
I think this was the right thing to do, i'm not supposed to sit and "wait" for him right? I made plans and im not going to change them for him. I just worry that he thinks im trying to keep D away from him but he was the one who left so she is my responsibility full time now.
Your life can not be put on hold for his convenience. Ad long as you don't have schedule motives to deny access to your D, then that is what it is.
Possibly you need a more definitive time schedule so plans can be made accordingly.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
No the plans were made before he said this. When he left no plans were made at all. Even the "every second weekend" arrangement does not seem to work for us. I do all of my D's acticities with her and he hunts and works most weekends. My thereapist said to keep doing what I normally do and not force him to be more involved. So I'm not going to. I'm hoping he will eventually want to spend more time with her but he is living with OW and my D is not allowed to go there so that rules out overnight visits with him at her house. I'm not sure he has planned and he doesn't tell me.
?? Were you asking a question or making a statement? I don't want my H to think I have ulterior motives by telling him about our D and what she says. H seems to be very paranoid right now about everything, I guess that is part of the cycle.
No. That was a correction from the previous post where my phone substituted the word, Scheduled, instead of, Ulterior.
Let him find out from your D himself about how she is being affected.
He will still rationalize it anyways, as most WAS's seem to project. But, you have No control over his interpretations.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
ok thanks very much. My D doesnt say or do anything at all when he is around, I think she's just so happy that he is there. The only thing she has said to him since he left over a week ago now is "Daddy why did you move out" and he said "because mommy and I werent getting along so daddy had to move out for a while". That was it. I have been telling him about functions me and D are going to, ie like Christmas parade but have not been inviting him, more of a "youre welcome to come". Im getting through Divorce Remedy book, been doing alot of writing, and waiting to get to the 180s section which im almost at. Alot of people think im stupid but I REFUSE to give up and one thing I am is stubborn.
Another question about GALing - I think I did the right thing here. My D and I have plans tonight to go to a spice party (baking and stuff) at my girlfriends house. Her kids are going to be home so I will have some grown up time and my D will have some time with her friends.
H emailed me last night and said he would call or stop by on his way home from work tonight as hes going out of town and literally drives right by our home to go to where he is living now. My response to him was "Actually D and I are going to XX house tonight...."
I think this was the right thing to do, i'm not supposed to sit and "wait" for him right? I made plans and im not going to change them for him. I just worry that he thinks im trying to keep D away from him but he was the one who left so she is my responsibility full time now.
Yeah, you did fine on that. Next time be even more vague, just say something like "Actually D and I already have plans." If he asks what you're doing say "going to a party at a friend's house." That sort of thing. Be a bit mysterious.
