I have a H who moved out 1 month ago. He is in a MLC (too).
So far the advice you've been given is solid.
Give your W LOTS of space and time. Be friendly, outgoing, and BE A GOOD LISTENER when she is ready to talk. Try not to respond too much.
She knows you love her, so don't worry about not being able to tell her that. And we ALL (here) miss the physical and emotional connection w our S's. But, like AS said, this is a L-O-N-G journey you are embarking upon.
It sounds like you are doing a good job w DBing so far. Hang in there & come here often to post and to read. I find this place my place of sanity and support.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Just had a rubbish nights sleep. So much going through my mind. Trying to stay positive but it is so, so hard.
Even though I am mentally prepared that W is going to bring up S sooner rather than later, it still brings me to tears when I think about it.
I know I have to let her decide what she wants to do, and I have to stay calm and not let her know it is killing me inside. I really don't know if I am strong enough for this. I thought I was out of tears. I hate this!!
Sorry that I am feeling so weak this morning. Just needed to put it down in words, does make me feel a little bit better.
Have a good day...
Me48; W44 M20; T25 S17 & S15 Bomb (IDLYA) 27/10/12 Still living together
I am having a real bad day, so much going through my mind (mainly mindreading what is going on in W’s head), I know I shouldn’t be doing it, and it will drive me crazy, but I can’t help myself.
This DB’ing lark is hard work.
How do you get through this? Relationship with W at the moment is good(I say relationship, I should say Friendship). We are civil to each other, no animosity, no arguing. I have so much I want to say to her, so many questions to ask. Knowing I mustn’t talk about R is hard work. Not telling her I love her is even harder. I have to pretend that everything is fine.
I have been sleeping on the Sofa for the last few months. Sharing the same bed at the moment is out of the question. I would like to approach W about taking turns on the sofa. Is it ok to do this? And if it is ok, what is the best way to approach it. During the whole of our marriage, if we ever argued, I was the one who ended up on the Sofa, every time.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks
WorriedUK
Me48; W44 M20; T25 S17 & S15 Bomb (IDLYA) 27/10/12 Still living together
Another evening of being pleasant to each other, I guess it is better than getting the cold treatment. But it is hard when I don't really know the person I have been married to for 20 years.
Me48; W44 M20; T25 S17 & S15 Bomb (IDLYA) 27/10/12 Still living together
I don't know what to tell you bub, except the fact that you're not alone.
I've seen a habit since lurking here that lots of times you don't get any responses. Please don't let this encourage you to stop posting. So, please keep us updated.
At least you're getting a long better than me and my stbxw did before we separated completely back on halloween. I moved out the next day. To my friends and she to her brother's.
I know it's tough man, but hang in there. Time really is the key. Try to keep yourself busy, do things you miss doing, like model cars or something.
Take care and keep us posted.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Not too much to report on the relationship front. Both still being polite to each other. Though I am getting the distinct impression she is interacting with me less and less. I guess this is what I can expect things to be like. I think this is the calm before the storm.
Have a lovely evening..
WorriedUK
Me48; W44 M20; T25 S17 & S15 Bomb (IDLYA) 27/10/12 Still living together
Worried, I think I went to post on this thread the other day, but I'm on moderation.... so it may not have shown up yet.
Either way. Yeah, take it a day at a time, alright?
My wife hasnt' been cold in a long time really. Our problems started in August really, with the slight flirting etc with our help. Then in Sept. It got bad, had a blow up and separated mid Sept.
Asked for D on 18, our anniversary!! Paid lawyer on Halloween, WHEN WE CELEBRATE our Anni. ... sigh.
Been separated for almost 2 months? I live with a friend now, and she lives with her bro. I get my kid 1 or 2 days a week if I'm lucky. Now. She and I had been talking very little about the M, but she is still dead set on D. I gave her the signed papers on 12/12/12. I haven't spoken to her till yest. She called and texted, I ignored! FInally I told her in a txt I could take the kid yest. while she worked (had no one else) First contact. SHe shows up...
Well, it was weird! She came in and gave me a HUGE hug. Told me she was worried about me and I scared her. WTF? lol. Told her I was ok and just didn't want to be in contact with her. (She knows i'm at the resentment stage for everything she's done, still not much remorse yet, no real apology yet) She was very nice. But when she picked up the kiddo, it was colder. She only worked 5 hours. but she was sick too.
When she left, I had been feeling the resentment again and I wasn't as "warm" to her. She grabbed kiddo and stood there a min or two. Not speaking. So I walked around her, as I did she asked if I was ok. I half smiled and said "I'm fine". I opened the door and she walked out. Didn't say a word. So I thought "Pff... fine then"
Later I msged her on FB and told her she did good that morning and sucked this afternoon. (This is after a FB telling her she has to earn my friendship, respect and trust all over again) Anyways, she replied on fb... "I'm sorry. I thought you were walking me to the car, I was going to say goodbye then but turned around and you didn't come out. I thought you just wanted me to leave"
My point is this. Since we're "here" with our spouses... there's going to be a lot of assumptions and awkwardness that creates confusion. Just keep in mind, they may have expectations as well, and you may ruin it by doing what you think is right. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter. The communication grounds are shaky at best during these times. So keep your head up and hopefully things will start looking better again.
Good luck.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Hi WUK, I'm so sorry to hear of all the pain you are in. I know from experience that it does get better.
Like your's, my W went into MLC and dropped the bomb on me. I NEVER EVER thought either one of us could ever give up on the other.
And like you guys, we have remained civil friends in our home. In our case it's been 9 months now! I see this as a good thing, it seems like while she is still unhappy, she is no longer placing the blame for it on me.
I hope you are reading up on MLC. If you are, you know this is about HER, not you. She is upset with her life right now, and needs to work this out on her own. Give her plenty of time and space and your marriage may survive. Save yourself first.
As for the marriage bed, yes, I think you need to work your way back there. She's the one who wants out, so she should be the one to leave it, not you. That being said, there's a smart way to go about it. I returned to ours, (and then she left it) and posted about it in my thread in the MLC forum.
If you have any questions I'd be happy to help.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I know I have to let her decide what she wants to do, and I have to stay calm and not let her know it is killing me inside. I really don't know if I am strong enough for this. I thought I was out of tears. I hate this!!
Sorry that I am feeling so weak this morning. Just needed to put it down in words, does make me feel a little bit better.
am in your shoes also- i hate it- i feel like a wreck all the time- and i agree totally. it is the hardest thing in the universe and we do need to talk about it (THO WE NEED to keep mum). i am home alone for couple weeks- h in fla - he is seeing ow at this moment . i could croak- or scream - or whatever. like you- i get weak and waiver in my resolve. i wonder if i have the stamina for this too- i guess we all do.
i'm just sayin- feel your pain & never would have ever thought anything could feel this bad. h & I share bed since bomb- it's been hell- i don't have any wisdom, just sympathy & fellow-feeing. i guess since we're both here & trying this- i'll say we both need to keep at it- keep quiet & what? hope- pray- whatever it takes to get thru another day.
good luck - know we understand your pain... I find it soooo sad to thnk of all of us here at this forum- at the mercy of all those other guys out there tormenting us- geeez - not much justice is there?
