The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Ruby. I do have a part time job but my hours have recently been cut down to about 9 hours a week as I am not bubbly enough any more. A couple of days after H left the manager was having a go at me because I had not been smiling. I broke down (Which is something that I NEVER did in public before BD other than funerals etc) and I told her what happened. She gave me one day to get over it! Really? One day,.. I could have punched the old cow.

I need a full time job now but I am going to try to do a course. I have an appointment in a few weeks with a job agency and I'll find out then if I can get government support to pay for it.

My kids don't miss out on anything, Yes they did need new shoes, they did look crappy up close but they weren't THAT bad. It's all well and good for H to tell me to get a full time job and support my kids but if he was putting in money, it might not be so bad. The end of the year always has a lot of expenses for D9's dancing and school things. Plus Christmas, But my kids definitely do not go without.

Something for myself would be nice but good, things come to those who wait, right?

[subguy]

Thanks. I really don't know how long it will last but I'll worry about that when the time comes. I know it didn't really count for your relay because it did include family but it really helped. I hope you didn't take offence to me saying about thinking it was a terrible idea at first. It really was only because the thought kinda scared me at first. That sounds so stupid to write but it really did.It was just a wave of what can I do?! lol

To be honest I thought I would get home and cry the rest of the night but I haven't. I can sort of feel the anxiety, just below the surface but for now at least, it can stay there.

We need a "Joke" thread or something around here. Laughter really does help. Like the sun, shining through the storm.

I can have a good life, a good life as a single mother. If only I can learn to let go, to leave the "What ifs" behind and not look to the future. Live for now, Live for the moment and make the best of each and every moment. Live, love, laugh.

Also, I forgot to add in my last post, Good you you, Subguy, That must have taken a lot of guts to step outside your comfort zone like that and your right, it will get easier.
It also makes you think. You said you were glad you wore your sun glasses because you cried several times. So basically you were standing around with a group of people, crying and yet no one around you knew. You really never know just what people you meet are going through. A smile smile for a little small talk, even off a stranger, could have made a big difference to your day. Yet in this day and age, that doesn't seem to happen much.
Sorry, I'm just rambling but I'd say you would have noticed I do that by now lol

SS even if I did take offense, stick to your guns if you thought it was a bad idea (by the way no offense taken), control your boundaries. You were not disrespectful in any way.

People were so busy handing out the boxes of food that my little pitty party did not get noticed, actually I'm glad no one said anything if they did notice. Look at us acting like grown adults lol, who would'a known. It's amazing how codependent I have become, 22 years ago I would have said your were crazy if this is what my life portrait would have looked like.

[JuneReN]

Should have stepped on her toes or something..."old cow" is right :P

Hey, you could get a job in a call centre, you could be totally unhelpful and no one would notice!!

Okay, I am kidding and I know how hard it is...H's comments weren't about the shoes, it was about you, you do know that, right?

Your children are loved. That is the most important thing of all

[Tumbling]

SS good for you - enjoying the get together.
I agree w RT, soon it will be 15mins no H thoughts.
We can do this together - finding things to lose ourselves in so that we don't dwell.

- What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so badly when I know how he treated me? Why can't I just let go?

As for the quote above. I have no idea but I am in the same place right now but I am going to really try this wk. I am going 5 days NC. I am taking it 1 day at a time. I am going to 180 my thoughts. I am also going to write positive messages on the mirrors in my house w lipstick!

[subguy]

SS good for you - enjoying the get together.
I agree w RT, soon it will be 15mins no H thoughts.
We can do this together - finding things to lose ourselves in so that we don't dwell.

- What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so badly when I know how he treated me? Why can't I just let go?

As for the quote above. I have no idea but I am in the same place right now but I am going to really try this wk. I am going 5 days NC. I am taking it 1 day at a time. I am going to 180 my thoughts. I am also going to write positive messages on the mirrors in my house w lipstick!

I like that positive note on the mirror, except I'll use sticky notes.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks, Subguy, Ruby and tumbling. Today was not as good as yesterday but not as bad as the day before. I hear you on the co-dependency, Subguy. I really don't know how to get past it but I will not be coming back "here" once I do.

LOL, You actually made me giggle with the call centre thing, Ruby. So true. Yes I know it was about me, not the shoes or haircut. His hair was by no means long and untidy, Just very long for his usual hair style (Which I don't think S even wants any more but likes it the same as his Dads when he is around him) I actually sent him a text a few hours later and asked if he thought I was a bad Mum.
He said no, I know you do that best you can. Patronising bastard.

Good idea, Tumbling. I actually have photo quotes saved on my phone and sticky note pad ones on my PC desktop picture.

There's nothing much to say about today. I dropped my children off at school and went to work.
Well actually I did play the wii. That was something I think contributed to BD. A few days before H was out at the pub till late, I was playing when he got home and I think he got upset and angry that I didn't turn my game off and spend time with his right away.
Honestly, I was starting to get to a point where, I just though, stuff it. Why should I drop everything as soon as he gets home, when he has been out at the pub half the night.

To be totally honest, I think I was in the very early days of starting to detach myself when H dropped the bomb.

H did take up a lot of my thoughts, as usual today but I will get there.

[JuneReN]

To be totally honest, I think I was in the very early days of starting to detach myself when H dropped the bomb.

H did take up a lot of my thoughts, as usual today but I will get there.

I think that is a place I was as well, so IC is helping me to go down the road of "do I want him back because I truly love him" or "Is it the shock, fear and sadness of the situation"
Right now, I am at love, because I am okay by myself. I miss the emotional connection the most.

Remember to make a little space where only thoughts of you and kids are. I mentally shove H out when he intrudes. When it becomes bad, bad, I run. I hate running, so you can see the reinforcement behaviour I am working on here lmao.

You are not a bad Mum and don't you dare even think of asking him that question again

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks, Ruby. I know I shouldn't have asked him and the scary part is, in the moment when I asked him, I really valued his opinion on it. I have no idea why because I have always had a lot of people tell me I'm such a good hands on Mum. His was telling me the other day how tiring it can be running around after them. I feel like screaming that it's a whole lot easier now, then a few years ago.

The shock I think has worn off for me, Reality has set in.

Fear, yes I think Fear plays a part in it for me. I fear, that I won't ever love anybody else, in the same way again. I fear the consequences this could have on my children. I fear H wanting to R and it being too late for me. I fear this empty feeling lasting for years, if not forever.
I don't fear that I won't be able to find anybody else, I just don't know that I will love like that again.

Sadness definitely plays a part, too. I'm sad about the loss of a lot of my future plans, I'm sad for me and for my children. I'm sad it came to this and I didn't see it coming. I'm sad that my marriage is over and H and I probably will not R.

Love, Love plays the biggest part for me. I knew H didn't treat me the best. I knew I put up with a lot of crap from him but I loved him so much. I can honestly say I have never met anybody like H before, He really is one of a kind.

Oh apparently he is "domesticated" now. Yeah, Just keep kicking me when I'm down. I said "That's typical, You didn't do that stuff when you were here" His reply,.. "I had you to do it for me" Nice,.. Just nice.

[labug]

Maybe after working on yourself and getting away from this for a while, you'll be able to have a new definition of love.

You can do this.

[subguy]

Fear, yes I think Fear plays a part in it for me. I fear, that I won't ever love anybody else, in the same way again. I fear the consequences this could have on my children. I fear H wanting to R and it being too late for me. I fear this empty feeling lasting for years, if not forever.
I don't fear that I won't be able to find anybody else, I just don't know that I will love like that again.

Sadness definitely plays a part, too. I'm sad about the loss of a lot of my future plans, I'm sad for me and for my children. I'm sad it came to this and I didn't see it coming. I'm sad that my marriage is over and H and I probably will not R.

You will most likely find love again, this time you'll go in with eyes wide open and you'll make the decision if this one is right for YOU, not the other way around.

Sad is right, it's sad for someone to give up and walk out on a marriage. Walk out on children with out much of a fight. There was so much love to be given and received if only the desire to work through the issues was still there. That is sad and most likely they will never get it and transfer their unhappiness onto someone else, as they will most likely not work through their own demons. Keep up the hard work and kill your demons RT.

Hers a big ole Tennessee hug coming for ya ((((RT))))