The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Ho has the freaking same middle name as me, Sickening. Absolutely sickening.

[Soul.Searching]

Okay, I officially su*k today. Yeah i know not good PMA but i really do.

I found a dating site app on our PC a while ago, H said he downloaded it without knowing what it was,. Well I joined a few weeks ago to see if he was there. He was, I didn't use a photo or my real name, location etc Well it somehow connected to FB and put all my real details and my profile pic (Which was me and my kids BTW) So anyway H called. He asked me to log on and accept his friends request. I did and worked out how to change all my details.

So he was about to deactivate his because he is "over it"
so I asked him about this other girl, Apparently he is trying to work out how to tell her he doesn't even like her.
That's nice, he can tell me, His wife of 9 years, partner of 13 years and mother of his children but doesn't know how to tell her?!

I asked him about a whole bunch of R talk. He told me how unhappy he has been for two years! Okay, now we have gone from one year to two. Me not having a full time job was a big thing it seems. He says he cares about me but has no love for me in that way.

I told him that I know I should not be asking him anything but him telling me he kinda loves me, then telling me he slept with OW, then saying he doesn't know how he feels really hurt.

He kept saying he was sorry. We talked for about 45 mins, with me crying most of the time. He says there is no chance for us and he doesn't care if I see OM. He told me about all the things I had done. He told me he is sorry and he wishes there was something he could say or do to take the pain away but there's not. I ended the conversation.

why? Why would I do that? The whole day has just been me doing everything all wrong.

[Grateful]

Why did you do that? Because you are human. You love your H and want to do everything to save what God has joined together. Was it a good move? No, but I am as guilty as you are in talking about R when I shouldn't. Like your H, my W went from being unhappy for 2 years to 4 years. Like it is said, they are rewriting history. Keep your head up. You H is so confused right now, he doesn't know what to do.

[eyesopen]

I doubt there is anyone on this board that hasn't made a mistake or twenty. Don't worry about his timeline. My w unhappiness went from 2 years to 3 years to never should have gotten married.

[Crazyville]

SS, his coming over and snuggling with you is exactly what I meant by his using you as a cushion to make his fall easier. His asking to "friend" you, etc.

Use this anger to your benefit. Use it to invest in YOU, because he's not worth it (at the moment) and you are. Step away from investigating OW because that can lead nowhere good.

I'm sorry your financial situation limits your GAL'g. Does it cost to go to the beach? It would for me, but only because I live 1000 miles away. Do you have bikes? Can you go hiking? Do you have any meet-up clubs that offer activities for singles? Just anything to take your mind off of this and focus on anything else for a few minutes or hours. You're going to tear down your health and then you'll have even more problems.

He is not caring for you, so you need to care for yourself. (((())))

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks, Grateful, Eyes and CV. (I would really love some honest answers to a few questions, please.)

The beach is about 45 mins away, so it does cost for petrol. I also am not too sure how to get there. I know roughly but H always used to drive. The kids have bikes but I don't. I just don't know any more.

My H doesn't sound confused at all. He is making me feel guilty for everything. Saying he couldn't change jobs because I didn't have full time work. We couldn't move out because I didn't have a full time job. I should have had my Mum dropping me kids off to school and picking them up so I could work full time.

I used to make him feel bad because I used to get angry that he was going away with the boys, every two months. Well this was years ago and at that point we had not been on a family holiday for ages. Would you be upset if your spouse has a holiday with their mates, every two months? and was not having family holidays? Seriously, was that so awful of me? I'd like truthful answers please.

I got angry because he had been telling the kids he will take them out on the boat. Well he had a day off work and we were supposed to spend it together, last minute he decided to take his friends out on the boat. Yes, I got angry because I thought he should have taken the kids out and his friends next time. It ended up being over a month before the kids got to go because of the weather and his work. They instead watched him drive off with the boat.
Was I really being that selfish and terrible for getting angry about that?

Was I really such a terrible selfish person? I am feeling so bad and so guilty, like it was all my fault.

SO what your all suggesting is the LRT?

[littleGTO]

SS,
I'm so sorry you are in this place. YOu have every right to ALL the emotions you are going through.

Your H is clearly in MLC--so that means he's in a very SELFISH place right now. H- MY LIFE, MY FRIENDS, MY SECRET OW, etc. It is all about him and he can't see his own face in the mirror if he looked.

Of course none of the things you described are unreasonable, but b/c he wants to blame YOU he's rewriting history and bringing up "old" issues to make himself feel better.

YOu deserve better. Detach... I would suggest "dimming yourself" from him. Now, I can suggest that, but others would say I probably could do the same.

We all need to make our own paths in DBing but I have to say it is easier as an outsider looking in than looking at our own sitch's clearly.

Take care of yourself.

[MrBond]

"He is making me feel guilty for everything. "

They all do. It shifts the blame so that they don't have to feel responsible. The only way he's going to feel responsible is if he actually gets what he wants. Take away your friendship. No visits. Write down the times that he has said he was coming over and didn't. Journal everything.

Since you're FB friends (which is weird that he insisted), fill your feed with positive things. Go out with friends and your kids and take pictures that you can put on your feed. If they just so happen to have guys in it, the better.

I can tell you that he'll start turning around once he sees that he can't control you anymore and can't have you any more. Whenever he does come over, have some nice flowers on display and look your sexiest. When you change your dress and appearance, you'll start to feel more empowered and in control.

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you, Turtle girl and Mr Bond.
I don't think his having a MLC, He is just really enjoying his new found freedom. He was saying how it was just everything, work and then coming home and having to do things here (Like?) Saying that half the time he preferred work over home. He has actually had me wondering if we really did fight that much, How can I be doubting how much we fought?

He insisted that we be facebook friends? We were already facebook friends before. I have put some photos up on there but as for the guys, The only men I know now are mutual friends. So that wouldn't bother him. He has already said he doesn't care if I see OM anyway.

I can't change my dress and appearance because of money. I'm looking in to doing a course to help me get a higher paying full time job, so hopefully that will change in the not too distant future.

I just don't enjoy doing things by myself any more and most of my friends have small children and partners. On days like today where H has the kids, I feel stuck.
I can't find any social groups around here, so meeting new people feels almost impossible right now.

[Crazyville]

SS, you're definitely not an unreasonable person. The things your H was doing would set most people off. Your feelings are completely justified. I've said before, it doesn't sound like he has been a good H to you for a long time, if ever.

I understand you have some real limitations to GAL at this point. But be careful to not pad the excuses. It's very easy to let your feelings talk you out of doing something, when doing something has a way of helping you out of your feelings. It's best if you can get out of the house, but you can be creative inside, too. Even doing some long-needed chores will help distract you. I don't know what's available there. Do you have a zoo? A museum? What about packing a picnic and setting up the tent in the backyard and going urban camping? If your kids have bikes, could you borrow one? Try to look beyond the excuses and see if there's a way around it. Act as if you really want to do something and have to be creative on how to do it.

And you might find that your friends with kids would love to have a play date, or even moreso, a girls night out without the kids (which could be watching a movie at your place.)

I'm just concerned that you're talking yourself out of things, when it's really one of the best things for you. ((()))