Crazy Strange Glorious

[tpc1977]

Let me start with this:
My wife never stopped the affair. Several years ago she told me it was over and we were (me) working on salvaging it. I changed a lot but totally walked away from God because the further I worked it by myself the more I felt myself dying. I was accepting no help from God and receiving no help from my wife. It was an endless struggle that when I go read my journals I cringe at the pain.

Anyway. This is what I know about the affair. They have known each other for a very long time. Even before my step daughter was born in another state 17 years ago. He pursued her by moving there and begging her to stay when my wife's other relationship dissolved. Then moving back her to chase her here. They dated for a while but something happened and they split. She met me, we got married and he moved on for a bit. He got married but that ended. Then I believe he moved to my town to pursue her again and when things started going south for us, he moved in. She reached out and he jumped. It seems sort of sick. But she's living with him now - mostly (that's another story I'll tell later).

When my strength went out after finding out for the last time, I went wild. I started using hard drugs and drinking. I also gave up my sport mostly. Then not long after I started doing coke, something hit me from behind. I was living with a good friend and while I was in my bedroom, God got a hold of my heart big time. I cried out to Him and that was the end of all my drug use and drinking. I also broke it off with the woman I was with - that hurt the most really. She made me feel so good about myself again. All she did was speak highly of me and did such amazing things that I haven't witnessed in most of my marriage. But I felt a real strong pull on my heart to end it. So I did.

After that things got crazy. My wife got closer to OM and I started pouring myself into the word of God and prayer. Two months prior I was at the beach with my side of the family and we all started talking about religion. Something came up and I looked at my mother and said something like, "It would have to be a miracle to ever see me come through those church doors again." Well, I'm there every Sunday and twice on Sunday when I'm not at home with my kids. My mother and I are prayer partners and she's pulled me out of some dark days. She's pretty awesome. I am blessed to have her.

The months I was away, my house and family went down the drain. My oldest daughter is still caught up with drinking and lying and staying away for periods at a time. My wife, I don't think, has the capacity to do what's right because she still suffers with addictions and guilt. Not that I'm home however, I have - with a lot of prayer and God's help - put some balance back here. It's still a struggle, but there seems to be a bigger peace than before. God has made me more organized and in control. It's helped a lot.

Next week, I may lose my home, but that's ok. God's still in control. I felt the need to sell my bikes and give that up to spend more time with my kids. Plus I'm writing a book now as well. At least, trying to write one. I tap key and put words down, but sometimes the inner-monkey takes over and it's gibberish.

When God got a hold of me the first thing I felt like doing was put my ring back on. I felt called to wait for a while and pray pray pray. I even took many opportunities to pray with my wife when we crossed paths. She stopped doing that with me though because I guess growing up in a Christian home she knows the will of God in her life.

I cried more in the past several months than I had in 15 years of marriage. It hurts still. I have to spend the holidays alone and go to my child's events all awkward and stuff with or without my wife. I don't know.

All I do know is that both my kids don't have much to do with OM. They think he's strange.

My wife is skinny now. She's still as beautiful as ever, but she dropped by the house yesterday and something was missing in her eyes. We had a heated argument about something I said and it escalated quickly. We both apologized and when I looked at her, she just looked ... different. Guilt?

Well, here's the thing. I admit to all my faults. I wrote her several letters asking for forgiveness of specific things I messed up with in our marriage. Most everything was based on my selfishness with my sport and what I wanted ahead of her and the kids. Plus, my neglect of her needs when she was hurting the most.

She messed up bad a few times. She stole drugs, got arrested in front of the kids a long time ago, lost two jobs, we are about to lose our house and our finances are in ruins because she never got back on her feet. It must haunt her every day. And now, her kids will hardly hang out with her because they don't like the OM. And she lied to me for so long about stopping the affair.

She's not the same woman and I saw things change even before I walked out. Nose ring. Tattoos. Her demeanor. Just not the same. But I love her. I really do. That little girl is still in there somewhere.

While I was gone she would leave the kids alone and go hang out with OM. Sometimes leaving out youngest without telling her. She was doing things that were so unlike herself. Now she's living with another man and it just (to me) seems like it's forced.

She once told me that she had already F'd up one marriage why mess up this relationship too. To her, it's a job to make sure it works to prove something regardless. Yes, she loves him. Yes, he loves her. They are planning a wonderful future I suspect. And as many times as I hear how concrete the relationship is, I always have this feeling it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The look in her eyes showed something last night. She is a bit confused and looks to her oldest daughter for support because of the teen mentality she has. My wife can have that peace of mind knowing a 17 year old does support her fun. "Whatever makes you happy, Mom." That's what she tells her.

Our youngest, will not go around the OM at all. She told my wife today she didn't like him. How could she like a man that tore a family apart. That's what she told her mom. She's a daddy's girl and wants to live with me if I have to get an apartment somewhere. I would love that. But I don't know what my step daughter will do. She's bouncing all over the place now with friends and sleeping at her BFs. He's an addict too and sometimes goes with my wife to NA. What a story huh?

I need to write another book on my life after this. It's pretty crazy actually.

But for me, I'm a new man now. God has really brought me through a lot. The past couple of days my heart has changed toward the situation. I want to let her go completely and let God. I pray for her a lot. I pray for our family. I pray for my girls. I pray for my home and finances. I'm doing things now that I would have laughed at a year ago - heck 4 months ago. But that's what God can do. Especially when you allow it. I think that's the biggest thing. I pray God's will every morning and night.

My youngest doesn't want me to move on, however. She's worried I've given up. Quite the contrary. I haven't given up, I've given over. I just can't grovel and be in pain any more. I'm wasted and tired. Time to break soul ties and allow God to do His work. Same with my step daughter.

What I think about is the road ahead and how awesome it can actually be. Allow God to lead, and I'm not going to lose. Slip up? Yeah. Get up and keep going? Absolutely.

The other thing is even though I keep trying to forgive myself of my past marriage failures, I want to remember them in such a way to never go there again. I want to be a man, my daughter's, ex-wife, family, future wife looks up to. And most importantly, one after God's own heart.

[greatwhitenorth]

She once told me that she had already F'd up one marriage why mess up this relationship too.

I got this from H, but for him it was two marriages and numerous relationships in the 20 years inbetween. When I said I didn't understand why or how he would work on his issues for an affair partner but not in the safety of his home and the people who love him he replied with "because you'll never change."

Interesting to see that others have heard the same line. Part of the script I suppose. My response was "change what? People change all the time if they choose to. You are the one who won't change." I know today how right I was.

I see it here every day. Most people changing their butts off, but their walk aways or MLCers don't change one single bit.

[tpc1977]

I don't want to tell me wife to work on her issues. I told her that the other night out of anger and it all went south. I need to just keep asking God to change me continually so I can show her unconditional love regardless.

Yeah, I'm going to slip up. Like I did the other night. I need to run to her and ask for forgiveness and work at never doing it again.

I don't know that path God wants me on right now. It feels like a holding cell. Like He's telling me to sit still and be quiet. Nothing's happening. When I get moved out of this cell, I suspect something pretty awesome.

This sitting here however kind of stinks. But I've learned to deal with it quietly because I won't be forced to stay here longer than I should.

I'm learning cool things though. Today I went to a fabric store and I'm covering a couple of chairs in our dining area with this really cool thick fabric. I did the first one already. Going to do the next one tomorrow. Plus, yard work and jogging a 5k.

I also got some fabric for a bathroom window. My mother's going to sew it though. I haven't learned how to use a sewing machine.

Oh ... plus the book I'm writing. It's a devotional of competitive cyclists.

I'm out. Taking my daughter for some cheap tacos and a movie.
The new James Bond flick. Daniel Craig is pretty tough.

[tpc1977]

This holding cell is a tough place to stay but where I can really listen to God and learn about myself. It shows my what I'm truly capable of. Can I remain calm and wait? Or will I lose it and get put back into restraints until I calm down again?

And when will I be allowed to move into the general public or set free? I know kicking and screaming won't get me there any quicker. So I really try to remain calm. I reflect and look to the future - what good things may come my way.

I am not trying to say I'm in jail or prison. I'm just trying to figure out where I am right now. Trying to put a name on it to make it easier to understand. I could say this is a neutral zone in a bike race where no one is allowed to attack or move up much until the official moves out of the way and gives the signal. We are held behind a pace car and all we can do is move around the general classification. Whatever it is or wherever I am, I know this is where God wants me.

One thing I learned today on my run was that I need to put my wife and marriage in His hands and let Him take care of it. I've held on to it far too long. Everything had to be related to the situation I was in. Every scripture. Every story. Every thought. Every prayer. Every conversation. I have been obsessed with it and it's taken over a lot of my life.

Another thing I have been doing is judging my wife. Even though what she's doing is wrong, I have no right to point a finger and act sancimonious about it. Who am I to say anything? Are there areas in my life that need a good rooting out? Absolutely! I'm still impatient. I'm still selfish. I'm still full of myself. I still can't let go of things. I'm still lustful. I'm still unforgiving. When I finally let go of my wife and see her as God sees her then I will never see her sin but a woman who's life is valued just as much as mine in His eyes. If something miraculous happened and she wanted to reconciliate I would still have all the fears and doubts and anxieties that I had before it all blew up. It would fall apart again.

Also, I'm still an addict. There are some things in my life I cannot let go of because they have attached themselves to me and I think I need them. I don't think I can function without them. Slowly, I'm trying to rid myself of these things and rely more on God and the strength He can give me. This has been one of the toughest things. Yes, hard substances are out of my life. I don't need coke or booze anymore. But I do need OTC stuff to get me going. Even though it's legal, does it make it right?

I still don't seek God solely for a relationship and journey with Him alone. Everything I do (though a little less now) was to get me closer to MY prize. Is this going to get me closer? The more I pray. The more I fast. The more I read the word. The more this, the more that. Constantly, I'm thinking my works will get me to the end of the race quicker and receive the prize quicker - whatever that is. This competition isn't for my glory or the prize I'm beggining for. This is to bring me to a place where I can be the best me God first intended. And who knows what my desires will eventually become once I get to that place where I am fully aligned with His will.

[tpc1977]

I also know I'm not comfortable with her calling the girls and wanting to do things with them while they are with me. It's like I want my wife to vanish while I'm here. She should not be.

It hurts deep just knowing that she is totally fine without me - maybe even very happy. Her satisfaction in our situation, her moved on completely and me alone, grates my soul. In my mind, and heart, she has no pain without me.

The only way I can describe this is like I woke up after a 15 year dream of having a wife. Then realizing that isn't so. The woman I thought I had never had a life with me. I still have all these feeling produced from the dream and she shrugs them off.

I cannot shake this and it's what drives me a bit mad sometimes. But I have to accept it and keep quiet and stay patient while I wait.

[Starsky309]

Hi TPC,

It's been two years since this started for you, and it pains me to see you still hurting so bad. Do you really think it's God's will for you to remain stuck in this limbo? Maybe it's time to let her go, and move on?

I will pray for strength and wisdom for you, brother.


Starsky

[tpc1977]

No. I've let her go. She has moved on. I'm in a limbo for myself - or my next step in the right direction. This has nothing to do with waiting on my wife.

[Starsky309]

It doesn't come across that way.

[tpc1977]

We've been separated for only 5 months. Before that I tried everything to salvage my marriage. Maybe it's just tough to let go of something I worked hard on. Especially since she moved on so quick.

I really am trying. It's something I'm going to work on.

[tpc1977]

One thing that hit me this morning pretty hard. Actually, really hard. Rejection has been a big part of my life. I have had to face it growing up in so many different areas.

My father rejected me by calling me names that forced me into knowing I was never good enough to be his son - or even a man. Kids in school and in my neighborhood rejected me because I was different. Several girlfriends rejected me for someone else. My wife rejected me for someone else.

My God rejected me because He doesn't hear or acknowledge my prayers.

Not saying this is all true. This is just a sense of what I've faced - what has been marked on my heart. This is a major healing I need to accept as I grow through this. So please don't take this as a "Feeling Sorry For Myself" time. It's just something that i was in prayer about this morning. I was reading about certain areas of our lives that we do not allow Christ to enter and receive His healing.

Jesus stands at the door and knocks. He stands on the outside and knocks. He does not force Himself in, but waits until we open the door from the inside. Not only for salvation but every room where we have closed Him off. One room is that of rejection.

I was always a runt until after high school. Now I'm 6' and fit. But I got picked last a lot. My father and brother and so-called friends picked on me because of it. I really never went out with a girl until after high school either but by then my confidence was already lacking. Women sense that and run from it.

I've been more confident lately but I still feel this monstrous sense of rejection in my life. Especially now. My wife found someone better and my God doesn't care. (or so that's how I feel internally). This is an area I need a ton of work in and will probably have to hire contractors to help me with it.