The tropical storm passed south of the island, so created one rainy, windy evening and day. It was our best trip there. We continue to discover the beaches, activities, restaurants, and venues which are most enjoyable for us. We are planning on going back in the winter.
My W has begun attending a job-hunting support group. She is fearful that she won't find work that she enjoys. I've been giving her space to move forward at her own pace, and will only address concerns about bills as-needed. I do want her to find something she enjoys. I think it's in her best interest to work again. She doesn't manage free time well, having difficulty with creating structure, connection, and routine for herself. She relies on me for that.
She brought up last night (after a few beers) that she is upset because we didn't have children. She's brought this up before. She states that this was a dream of hers. I didn't know this until probably after the separation. I remember her telling me early in the M, that I was too much like her father (critical, distant). She didn't think I was father material. I was ambivalent at the time. I wonder why she came back after the separation, if children were a priority for her? I didn't choose a career with supporting a family in mind. I don't know what to say when she gets on this topic, so I let her vent. It seems like she wanted someone who could financially support her, while she raised children. I don't know why she married me, if this was her intention. I never gave her any indication I wanted children.
We continue to bond with our ballroom dance community. It's the first community, in some time, that we connect to as a couple. This involves people getting to know us on a personal level, including our imperfections.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W's sibling is helping her with job-hunting. My W has a hard time intitiating and organizing on her own. My W goes over to her house weekly to look at ads, and send out resumes. I know my W has doubts about her ability to find work she can enjoy. Her sibling seems willing to keep her on as a family employee for the cooking job, until she is hired. I think it will be better for their R, to remove the employee-employer aspect of it. I also think it will be better for my W to be out in the world on her own again, and have more structure to her week. I stay on the sidelines, and stay out of it.
I'm enjoying my weekly church experience. I attend most weeks and find the quiet time and sermon vitalizing and centering. I make a point of staying for the monthly potluck, so I can get to know fellow pilgrims. My W is invited, but she prefers to sleep in on Sundays. My W has noticed that I seem happier most days, with lapses of irritability on some days.
I made a point of volunteering during the political season for my candidate. The state I live in was considered a swing state, so it was important to get out the vote. Our neighborhood was well organized. My W and I enjoyed the company of neighbors on election night, watching the results come in.
After some thinking, I announced to my W that we should switch gears and perform the Waltz routine we've been working on for about a month, at a studio venue event in the spring, versus a ballroom competition we intially planned on in January. Ballroom competitions involve a certain culture of people, where there are unspoken standards of dress. I bring this up, because I think performing is important to our development as a dance couple. It keeps us focused and on our toes. Performing at a studio venue will relieve financial and dress expectations. My W agrees. I'll have to lead this project.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W has confronted me on my lapse into being irritable when I'm with her. She said that she misses me when I was going thru a recent phase when I was smiling and laughing. This is probably a primary factor that led to our S almost ten years ago. I've been going to church for about a year, and find this a good tool to counter this problem. I get too caught up in my head with problems, and fall back into a rut. I also get lazy about being a good partner when I'm with her and carry my stress into our time together.
My W found a PT job. It's accounting type work, which is not her favorite, but it's close to home, and she's treated well by her supervisor, so it will do for now. I'm so happy to see her break her own rut, of being dependent on her sibling for family employment, and working one day per week. Her ending her family job will free up our weekends for ourselves--more time for recreation and taking care of the home.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Letting things outside of my M affect my behavior with my W and family was something that was a big problem for me before my S too.
And even though it is one of the things that I have worked on and feel that I'm MUCH better about, I can also see it being an ongoing concern now.
Personally, I just make the issue one that I think about a lot. I keep it in the forefront of my mind and often make a conscious effort to put those extraneous things aside when I'm with my W.
It's all about continuing to recognize our shortcomings and continuing to work on them.
Remember, we are all a work in progress. Our work on ourselves is never done. And there are things about each of us, that there needs to be a conscious effort to keep at bay.
Remember the DB strategies of 'acting as if' and 'faking it until you make it'. I often think of, and use, these things when I am in a bad mood because of something that has nothing to do with my M.
Just keep working at it. That's the most important thing.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, Thanks for stopping by. I'm a terrible actor. It's better for me to maintain my moods on a daily basis, and take care of myself. I have a temperament where I'm sensitive, moody, introverted, and prone to being overstimulated. I have to set boundaries for myself, and maintain activities that keep me from being in my head too much.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W began a trial of Strattera for ADHD. She brought the issue up to her psychiatrist, and he agreed to give her a trial of medication. He felt badly for not identifying this sooner. Her sister raised the issue, and I followed-up by giving her an informal test. She clearly fit the criteria. The medicine is very slightly slurring her speech, so she isn't taking the full day's dosage, and will see if this subsides. She talks slower on the medication, and doesn't flip out over minor things like she usually does. She said she doesn't worry about things as much, on the medication. She follows-up with her psychiatrist in one month.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W enjoys going to the neighborhood bar for drinks and talking with the locals. I too enjoy getting to meet neighbors. She usually has a little too much to drink, and leaves intoxicated. When she's had too much to drink, she may bring up conflict.
We talked about why we haven't been practicing dance together as much lately. She states that her needs aren't being met. I don't completely understand what she's talking about, except she wants me to be nicer. I approach it with the focus on the skills to improve. She approaches it with the emphasis on the relationship, and how I treat her.
She's agreed to go to the studio early to practice. Practicing at home or at the fitness center doesn't seem to work or happen. I'm going to lead us to getting to the studio early. We'll try a different setting, and see if that helps. We're fine at group classes, and out social dancing. The private practices are the problem area.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm finding myself going back into old patterns. I'm making too big a deal out of the not practicing issue. I told her that if we don't practice, there's no point in taking lessons. I went too far, and got a defensive response. I'm trying to control the situation, which isn't going to work. It's hard to know exactly what's going on. It's hard to know how much of this is me, and how much is her. I need to tolerate living in mystery for now, and influence her to go the studio early to practice, and see if a different setting makes a difference. There are many positives associated with our dancing. Throwing out the baby with the bathwater is not a good strategy. Build on the positives. I can practice on my own in the meantime, go to classes together (another form of practice), and social dance together (another form of practice), until we get back on track with practice.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
