Stronger

[JCJ]

((((mishka)))))

[MichelleLT]

(((Michelle)))

[Kalni]

Hi Mish,
I just read what you had to do. I dont quite get the meaning of it since we dont have that option here (which granted the crisis we should have) but I read you struggled with the decision. I am wishing for you that it turns out to be the beginning of better things.
Happy Thanksgiving!
K

[mishka422]

This Friday is my Bankruptcy hearing with the creditors. They say it's just an informal meeting where they just go over all the details to make sure everything is in order. I'm still really nervous about it. At least it doesn't actually take place in a courthouse. It's just in a meeting room at a local hotel so it will take some of the stress out of it.

I opened an old jewelry box today looking for a pair of earrings and there, staring me straight in the face were my wedding rings. Of course, being the sentimental stupid sap I am I had to put them on for a minute and have happy memories. That was seriously dumb. Now I'm in a funk.

[SunFunOne]

I've been planning to sell mine for years - might as well get something out it.

But yours is a much different story. If I were in your shoes I would show them to him. Ask him what he thinks you should do with them? Wear them? Sell them? What? It might be the opening you need. Remember how, after the wedding in Florida - you wanted some big changes in the relationship? Maybe this is the opening you need...

Good luck with the hearing. Is he going with you?

Barb

[mishka422]

No, I'm on my own for the hearing. He is not involved in this at all since the debt is mine...oh joy.

See Barb, you have such good ideas to create openings for conversation. Of course, it would still require me to get past my fears and that is something I just can't do. In my mind, the status quo is better than the alternative. If he freaks out on me and bolts I know I won't recover from it emotionally or financially. The little bit he brings in keeps food on the table. It's stupid, I know, but it is what it is.

[SunFunOne]

Mish:

I hate to be blunt but here goes anyway:

You are stuck. That makes you your own worst enemy. The only way you are ever going to get what you really want is to institute some change. But if you won't do it - then things will never get better. What I have suggested is the most minor of things - but you are so afraid that you won't even ask that simple question. So you settle for crumbs.

You and he have been living together whether you are married or not. That makes him responsible for some of the debt. (I am not that familiar with the laws) but how does he get away with no responsibility here?

I guess you can go on and live on edge wondering if he is going to bolt or not. Asking him a question should not make him bolt but if that's all it takes - then really - anything could do it.

Sorry. Not what you wanted to hear. But what DO you have with him?

Barb

[mishka422]

Blunt is good Barb. I ask myself the same question all the time. What do I have with him? I have no idea. I feel so awkward all the time. It's really depressing to feel like I have no foothold. No anchor.....adrift. Yep, that is the feeling...adrift.

I am stuck. I'm scared and stuck. There are very few things I will ask for myself because I'm so tired of being told no or shot down. If I don't bring it up or don't ask for anything then I can't be disappointed, right? Not a great view of things but that's been my experience for the majority of my life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic or pitiful here, it's just a form of self preservation that I learned at a young age. Expect nothing...EVER.

UGH! I hate feeling like this. I had buried all of this down so deep and hoped it wouldn't surface again but those stupid rings ripped the lid off. GAG!

Well, while the lid is open and I'm being a whiny baby....there is a feeling I have in the deepest part of my soul. I think that all the good things that I had coming to me in life won't come to pass now because I made poor decisions when I was younger. It's as if everything good is no longer attainable because of the choices I made and the path I'm on is to just exist for others now. I can't really explain it any better than that. It's a horrible feeling that gnaws at me every day.

Ok, that's off my chest for today. Sorry. Pathetic, I know. I had to get it out while I was on a roll.

Living together doesn't make him responsible for any of my debt. This is credit card debt. All in my name. The only debt that is from when we were married was the big ugly one that prompted the bankruptcy in the first place but it was also only in my name. The divorce papers say that we are to split the debts but it also says he was supposed to pay child support but since he has been unemployed or extremely underemployed for the last 4 years that never really happened either.

[SunFunOne]

Wow Mish,

You need a counselor to help you figure out WHY you allow yourself to think this way and to be treated this way. You need to go back to court and get more from him. Not crumbs - MONEY. I don't think he is capable of giving you the love that you need and deserve. He is broken. And has broken you.

Take the rings. Sell them to pay for a lawyer to get what you need financially from him. And take the rest to invest in a good counsellor. Because you are NOT living. You are existing (your words). And what does that do for your son?

I'm at a loss to know what to do. Usually everyone on this bb wants a better life for themselves and figures out how to find it. I knew how to advise you when you told us YOU wanted a better life (after the wedding) but because you didn't act on it when you were on a roll - you've allowed things to slip back to where they were before.

You are way too young to continue losing all your adult years in this limbo. The day I let go of my husband and the limbo and craziness I also lived it - I started to live again. And if I can do it - you can too.

PLEASE get some help for yourself. Even if it is just rereading Divorce Remedy. If you want something better - you will have to institute the change.

Barb

[mishka422]

I've done the counseling, therapy, visualization exercises, etc. etc. etc.....trust me, I'm just too broken.

There's no money to get from him and I wouldn't want to do that even if there was. We have a very good relationship, it's just weird. There is no direction or stability to it and that feeds my own instability.

Honestly, what is 'LIVING' supposed to be? We move from one day to the next, doing what needs to be done to get to the next one. That's it. That's living. Ok, so I do that. I don't believe there really is more. I think that we tell ourselves there is more and then go about clawing our way up and creating more and more that we believe will make us happy but then it's all a bunch of bunk in the end.

I had a brief moment where I thought there must be a better life. Real life showed me otherwise. It said, 'stop your stupid dreaming, get back to work and realize this is as good as it gets. It could be worse!'

Boy, don't I know it could be worse. I've seen the worse. There are no complaints from me that life is 'too hard' or 'unfair'. I have it really good compared to a large percentage of this world. Just because I'm a depressed mess doesn't give me any right or reason to boo hoo my way through my days. Suck it up and shut up because I have it really good. I have a roof over my head, food in the pantry, and my beautiful son. That's more than a lot of people can say.

What does 'existing' do for my son? I'm there for him every day. That's all he needs from me. He is 18 and has his own life. He practically ignores me most days. I'm glad though. That is one more step toward independence which is something I used to think he would never acheive.

So, yes, I'm a broken mess and things aren't the way I want them to be but it hasn't stopped me dead in my tracks yet. I will get to tomorrow and the next day and the next because I have to. People are counting on me to. I stopped dreaming a LONG time ago and woke up to reality.