Back on this site help!!

[LisaLost]

Labug, I don't really know what I want. I am starting to realize from doing some research that this might not be all my fault like H claims. I am embarrassed to admit it but it seems like it's emotional abuse. I have never seen it that way before but all the signs seem to point to it.

I am lost

[job]

Lisa,
Why would you take on ownership of your h's issues? Stop buying and drinking the koolaid that this man is trying to pawn off on you! You aren't makeing him go out there and have affairs. There is something broken within him and he is out there searching for something that he will not ever find or be happy with.

One of the first things you will need to do is set boundaries. Stop the revolving door of allowing this man to return home after he's had an affair. He has no respect for you or your marriage. Until he's willing to do the homework to win you back and prove to you that he can be trusted, he wouldn't be allowed to return to your home. He has to earn your trust, not the other way around.

BTW, be sure you are tested for STD's periodically. It's important that you do that since he's out there sniffing around ow.

[MKB23]

I am in a sort of similar situation. And I am back again. I suspect my M is done. He is with XW1 and left me with our 4 kids. It seems so easy for me to tell someone else what to do. Impossible for me to do it myself. First, if you did DB before then you know you are doing everything wrong.
1. Set boundaries. Tell him what you expect and what will happen if it doesn't happen. If you are open to reconciliation then you need to stay what you need for that to happen. If you cannot even entertain the idea with OW involved then don't accept that.
2. I completely understand feeling relieved that he is gone on some level. I also understand that it is MUCH harder on you and you do have to be a caretaker to all those kids. There is little time left for you. I have actually been doing more activities with my children. We do the library on Sat mornings and free or cheap community activities fairly often. They are playing basketball and doing that sort of thing so it keeps me busy and I get out of the house. Consider these types of GAL activities.
3. IGNORE THAT W!TCH. Do NOT talk to her. No reason to. She is nothing to you. Certainly there is no reason at all for you to listen. She wants to laugh at you? Ha, laugh back. What kind of stupid twit gets involved with a man that has to pay child support for 6 kids? Is she planning on supporting him? Is it really THAT great? I doubt it. Of course, don't say that.
She only gets and hears what he wants her to. And my thoughts on that same as my own H OW- What kind of real woman wants a philandering cheater? None. Soon the sex becomes routine and they get bored. Then they start to notice the other things like morning breath the horrible family and things fall apart. You have been through this multiple times before you should KNOW this.
Of course this is not your fault. Perhaps the problems in your relationship leading up to this you have a hand in. Most certainly you do but the cheating? Nope. Not at ALL your fault.
4. Set up visitation and child support. Depending on your location you may be able to get child support started just by going into the local office. (this is to protect you and your kids)
5. My H has changed in the past for OW then reverts right back to the same jerky ways for me. You know why? Because I settle for that. That's why. When I quit accepting it, he will stop doing it.
6. You need to sit down and really really think about what you want in a M and if your H can reasonably be that guy.
For me- I know my H cannot. At least not without divine intervention that will truly change his heart.
In truth, despite knowing all of this it kills me every time I talk to him. It is like a knife in the gut. Unlike any pain I have ever known before. I really cannot even begin to fathom how you have gone through this 4 times.
I'm so sorry for your pain.

Please work on no contact and GAL. You CAN do this if you want to. But more importantly, this needs to be the last time. So either you change and demand he treat you as you should be and he comes back with real consequences and really tries to change and focus on M or you decide you can't do this and still move on in a better place.

[LisaLost]

I am using this thread to vent. I am so broken hearted. My kids came home from meeting the ow and said that she laughed so much and dad laughed too. I said really and they said yeah she was always laughing. I am so hurt. I am trying to hold it together I am broken

[LisaLost]

Thanks for the replys. I truly appreciate the advice right now. I don't know what to do. I have been through this so many times and it hurts everytime. I don't deserve being his safety net but I have allowed myself to be just that. This pain is horrible. I try my best to keep my composure I am too busy to break down.

I just received a text from him asking if I was home. I have been ignoring alot of his texts lately. I am trying to regain control of myself and my life. Apparently, this means that I am dating someone. He thinks that while he had our children today that I was with someone else. Not true at all. I haven't bothered even entertaining his words. He text me he was bringing the kids home earlier than usual and I didn't respond. He text me 3 more times asking if I was home or with my "boyfriend" ( what the heck) once he dropped them off he text again asking if I was home. I didn't answer as I was busy with kids. When I checked my phone again it had 4 missed texts from him. They all basically said for me to have a good night with "him" and he hoped I was happy and that he hoped we could just be friends. Why do this? He knows this is so hard on me. He left me for a 25 year old. He is 38. I am 37. This really hurts.

Yes I know DB and DR is for me first and that's why I am here. I need to put some of these techniques back in my life because they helped me tremendously in the past. I need to post here alot and hopefully be able to help others with the things I have learned from DB.

Thanks everyone

[MKB23]

Let him think you are with someone else. Don't clarify a daggone thing. He lost the right to know when he walked. Don't lie but don't offer any explanations. You are right. Ignore the texts. If you aren't home or aren't finished with what you are doing then let him sit at the house with them until you get there.

Yes it hurts. I was so upset tonight. Then I cried in my room. My room. I don't even like saying that.
Take the time to figure out what you actually want. Do you want to try to put your M back together or not?

[LisaLost]

MKB, I don't think there is much left to save. We have been through so much together but he just won't stop the cheating. I can't do this anymore unless he totally changes which apparently he can only do with his latest ow. I haven't lied to him at all about me seeing someone else. I don't even know where that came from. I haven't text him back but have received several from him this evening that all basically said " I hope you and him enjoy your evening". I am thinking this isn't bc he cares or is jealous but it's him feeling guilty about having hurt me today with taking the kids to meet her. So if in his mind I am seeing someone it will help him not feel so bad.

Once again I don't think I would be able to live with this happening to me again with him. But he seems like he is happy with ow and they are soul mates. I will admit I am jealous but I will find myself again.

Thanks for stopping by and posting.

[LisaLost]

I am posting alot here. I hope that is ok. I woke up at 3am and can't get back to sleep. I need some advice. I have somewhat been pulling away recently. At first I did all the wrong things even though I know it's wrong. I got over it quickly and dropped the drama but I did keep texting him silly things that just popped in my head everyday. I was texting him almost all day and into the evening. Sometimes he would text back and sometimes not. I pulled back to only texting him during the day. In the last two weeks I have dramatically reduced my texting to him. In that time he has started to text me about little things and became a little more friendly. I have tried not to read into anything and I am not sure I want him back. I don't want to get divorced but you guys see what I have just started realizing that he doesn't respect me or our marriage.

Question is should I just drop all conversation and contact all of a sudden or should I send him an email telling him that I am moving forward and the ball is in his court. I don't want to seem desperate I have already shown that side I just want to show an independent person who will be ok no matter what. I also worry that if I pull back now too much he will think I am seeing someone and that will cause issues.

I need some advice from someone on the outside. I have gotten such helpful advice here and it's really helping me to find myself

[job]

Lisa,
You do not need to tell him that you are moving on. Actions speak louder than words...just do it!

Respond once in a while to h is texts...nothing says you have to be on the spot w/each and eveyrone of of them. You do have a life and children to look after and it's not like you are sitting there waiting on him to text.

Don't make it so easy for him to return home. He's got to prove to you that this is it and that he wants to earn your trust and love back again.

[LisaLost]

I totally agree snodderly. I just don't know the right steps to take. I am quite busy with the kids and my life but it seems that when I don't answer his texts right away he goes off on how he hopes I am having fun with my new bf and that he hopes it works out and maybe now we can be friends and all that mess. That is not even close to what is going on in my life. I know I need to get over feeling like I owe him an explanation. That's why I asked about sending him am email to let him know I am letting go so be would not think crazy and jump to conclusions.

I know I seem pathetic. I am just scared and needing advice

Lisa