Doesn't quite fit in any category covered in here

[Acy]

P.S. I have been upbeat around her and acting like I am alright. I did slip on the one thing today when I admitted to being Sad.

[PeteWyo]

Acy, I would agree that your situation very much fits into many other stories on the boards. I went through a period where I thought I was alone in my situation. I agree that you should read through some threads from start to finish. You actually have waited longer than some to get here so you should keeping mind that some of the longer posts might actually make more sense to you as some posters have posted throughout their journey where you have come here with some history already. In the end, the common thread is that the posters here, for the most part, want to get their spouse back. Otherwise why would we be here. This isn't a foolproof technique and there is no guarantee of success. But the idea is to do the 180s that you need to. Even if 5% of what was wrong is you. Fix that 5%. Do some soul searching and admit to yourself the things that you could change. Do it for you, make yourself a better person. Make yourself the better option to your W. You guys working together is good and bad. You don't get to have your own space but you do have an opportunity to show her the new you. Hopefully if she sees that you have really changed she will be kicking herself for not wanting to be back with you. But these need to be life long changes, not just to manipulate her to get her back. This way, no matter what happens, you will be a better person for your next relationship. Maybe that will be with your W, maybe not. But you will be better off for it either way.

[Acy]

Thanks for your support Fuanacdc

I guess its true that the common thread is wanting to get our spouse's back.

I still don't know how to approach the Therapy session tomorrow.

[PeteWyo]

IMHO this could be a good thing. Is this the same counselor you went to before or someone new? There are a lot of bad counsellors out there. Is this someone that you know that will give advice in line with what you and your wife believe? It took me a while to admit it, but MC only works if you both want to fix it, at least most of the time. I finally got my W to agree to it, but she was only going because she was certain that the MC would tell us we couldn't fit it. Then the MC told us this was all very fixable. Still afterwards, all my W heard was that we could only fix it if we both wanted to try. Your W isn't interested in 'fixing' your marriage, as hard as it is to grasp. She has no interest in rekindling what you had. That is why she left. Your hope lies in the fact that you can start a brand new R with her. For whatever reason, rational or not, she doesn't want what you had. At least not in the end. So my advice to you is to figure out what changed. If it was that you were more exciting when you got married, then do something about that. If it was that you started to argue, then figure out why. Take those revelations to the MC. Maybe she will at least see you had your 'eureka' moment. That isn't going to fix everything magically overnight. But couple that with her seeing you make lasting changes about those things and it may be a good thing. No matter what you do, do NOT make this a bashing session on her. If she has things to work on, then that is something that she will need to deal with in her next R. Hopefully that is with you. But let's see if you can't get some sort of R started first, right now you don't have that. She made it clear to you that she doesn't want that right now. So show her that you at least are acknowledging that SOMETHING needs to change. Sorry for the long post. It is strange for this advice to be coming out of my mouth when I am in the same boat with you! We can all support another in some respect though. Stay strong!

[PeteWyo]

IMHO this could be a good thing. Is this the same counselor you went to before or someone new? There are a lot of bad counsellors out there. Is this someone that you know that will give advice in line with what you and your wife believe? It took me a while to admit it, but MC only works if you both want to fix it, at least most of the time. I finally got my W to agree to it, but she was only going because she was certain that the MC would tell us we couldn't fit it. Then the MC told us this was all very fixable. Still afterwards, all my W heard was that we could only fix it if we both wanted to try. Your W isn't interested in 'fixing' your marriage, as hard as it is to grasp. She has no interest in rekindling what you had. That is why she left. Your hope lies in the fact that you can start a brand new R with her. For whatever reason, rational or not, she doesn't want what you had. At least not in the end. So my advice to you is to figure out what changed. If it was that you were more exciting when you got married, then do something about that. If it was that you started to argue, then figure out why. Take those revelations to the MC. Maybe she will at least see you had your 'eureka' moment. That isn't going to fix everything magically overnight. But couple that with her seeing you make lasting changes about those things and it may be a good thing. No matter what you do, do NOT make this a bashing session on her. If she has things to work on, then that is something that she will need to deal with in her next R. Hopefully that is with you. But let's see if you can't get some sort of R started first, right now you don't have that. She made it clear to you that she doesn't want that right now. So show her that you at least are acknowledging that SOMETHING needs to change. Sorry for the long post. It is strange for this advice to be coming out of my mouth when I am in the same boat with you! We can all support another in some respect though. Stay strong!

[PeteWyo]

Sorry for the double post. And keep doing your 180s. It will take time.

[AnotherStander]

She doesn't seem to want to talk about her feelings at all. She does talk about general stuff like what our kid is doing or whatever. Should I keep trying or not?

The only thing you should be "trying" to do is to be a fantastic listener. Do not pressure her into talking about her feelings, but if she does go there then you listen and validate. That's it. Make eye contact, nod, lean forward, repeat back key thoughts. You talk just enough to validate and let her know you're listening. If all she wants to talk about is light and fluffy stuff then that's cool too.

Why shouldn't I at least have my wife read the first chapter of DR? It highlights the reasons to stay married.

I tried exactly that with my W. I found the first chapter online and sent it to her in an email. I'm sure she read it, but she never said a word about it. It didn't change a thing. I don't think getting WAS's to read anything really works well unless they get to the point where they're considering reconciliation.

I hear that I just need to GAL. It is very difficult at the moment. I have a job, I lift weights, I am attending School, I fish with my son, I just went to Vegas, I went to my friends birthday bash at a pub on Friday night. -Seems like I have a life. I am quite busy.

I'm surprised you say it's difficult, because it sounds like you're doing it already The idea of GAL is just to live your own life without your W. Take your mind off of W. Do things for you and your own enjoyment. Sounds like the above activities fit the bill quite well.

This morning she confided in me that she is beating herself up, and that its not fair that I want her and she is "supposed" to not proceed with new guy.

This would have been a good time to validate her emotions. She says she's beating herself up, you say "Wow, that sounds really frustrating, is that how you feel, frustrated?" Then if she says yes then you say "Yeah, I can understand why you feel that way." You're not agreeing or disagreeing with anything she said, you're just trying to get her to talk about how she feels and you're validating it. The goal is to make her comfortable talking to you about her feelings. DO NOT try to fix her problems! That's a guy thing, women don't want fixing, they want validation.

Later on we had another chat when she asked me how I was doing, I was sad.

From one of Michele's books:

"successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life"

I know you want to be honest with her about your feelings, but this isn't the time for it. Right now you need to act "as if" everything is fine.

I asked her how she was doing, she said ok and then proceeded to say she is not interested in me moving back in or being in a relationship with me, also that she is not interested in any physical relation. I wasn't even asking about these things she was just saying this stuff.

Again, just validate. "I understand why you feel that way and I support your decision." Don't argue, negotiate, explain, etc. Just validate.

Is that good or bad? She was happy about it.

Well then it was good!

So what should I do in couples therapy tomorrow?

Listen. If she brings up reasons she wants out of the M, then make mental notes of those and add them to your 180 list. Try not to talk much, your W will probably perceive any M comments as pressure on her.

[Acy]

Thank you both for all this good advice. The therapist is our original therapist. She knows what she is doing. Today the session went very well in my opinion. W agreed to continue going to therapy -thats great. She has a bunch of pent up feelings- anger-feeling like she is bouncing around-Not sure what she wants-Afraid I will leave her again if she lets me in-Afraid of becoming enmeshed with me again. I explained that I wanted a relationship where we could be independent people and still be in relation. The therapist agreed that would be possible. The therapist said she believed me when I said that I was sure of what I wanted and stable now. I said I wanted to be a family again and have a relationship with W. She asked W if she thought I was being honest and W agreed. I think that was a huge thing.
W is very concerned how this all will effect our son, councilor assured us that he will be ok no matter how this ends up, because we are both good solid people. That seemed to make her relieved. Our next appointment isn't for 2 weeks and we decided to have separate appointments, then a together appointment a week later.
I feel encouraged, because W wasn't dogging the idea of getting back together (which she had been outside of therapist office). So I guess I just GAL for 3 weeks and continue my 180's. Thanks again for your support.

[PeteWyo]

That does sound encouraging. But remember, you can only believe half of what she does and none of what she says. This will take time. Make sure you are working on yourself and make those changes last.

[Acy]

So this evening my W said:
she was overwhelmed
said I would make a good partner
she is afraid of being alone in the future
afraid that our son will not like her if she has OM
She dosent want to have to decide if she wants relationship with me or not
Wanted to know what would happen if I got bored (in the relationship) because im a gemini. I told her that would be my problem, not anyone else. (not bored because of her)
She said I am better now because I listen

This is when I said to much:
Then I screwed up and started talking about how I wasnt interested in a fairy tale fling with anyone. I wanted to do the work to make this work. That commitment and trust are what its all about in relationship. And some other type stuff. She got all trapped feeling and like she is trying to be convinced.

So I realized I screwed up. I kicked myself a bit for doing that. So the good half and the bad half, maybe it evens out...

I have a new 180 from it though -Dont try to convince her. let her alone about it.