Back on this site help!!

[LisaLost]

Hello all,

These forums and Michelle's books pretty much saved me and my marriage back
starting in 2005. I am back for some support and help and maybe to be able to
help someone else because I have been through alot.

Currently my heart is broken again. I want to stand but am unsure of doing so.
My H has left me 4 times for 4 different women since 2005 and he had a few other sex
only ow. We have 6 kids together. We discussed the sex addict angle but when he starts messing around with a different woman all of a sudden it's me and not sex addiction. He is a serial cheater it seems and I seem weak and pathetic for taking him back and trying hard to stand for him.

We moved 1200 miles away from our hometown last year and have struggled alot financially . My H started a few arguments May after I picked up on the signs he was cheating again. He left the kids and me the last week of May to move in with a friend from work. He denied ow and started blaming me for all the wrongs in his life. We have been together 14 years. I was devastated when he left. In July lost his job because the place he works found out that he was having an affair with the girl who answers the phones. They both got fired. The guy he lived with came by my house late one evening with all his clothing and he moved back home bc he had no other place to go. H is 38 and ow is 25. She is married and has two kids. But she filed for divorce from her husband. H was home until the last week in August after calling up ow and telling her he missed their fun times and she made him feel good. While he was here at home he kept telling me home much he loved me and wanted to work on us and get help. He even promised our kids that he would never leave again and then two weeks later he walked out to a motel and to start seeing ow again.

I think I still love him and this hurts so bad. He is taking our kids to meet her tomorrow. He has told me he doesn't respect me and will always cheat on me that we didn't belong together and I messed up his life. I am freaked out and need some advice. Should I wait for him to maybe come back home? I don't want to be a doormat but made vows to him. He says he loves her and will change for her. They don't get to spend alot of time together so she is still very much a fantasy.

I know I left alot out but please feel free to ask questions

Should I just be patient and hope he comes around ? Or will he always be a cheater?

My kids are

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Lisa,
Welcome back. Sorry that you need to be back here but the people here will help you.

The story that you tell about your H makes me think that he will always be a cheater. It's happened 4 times already and you still keep taking him back. So what's to stop him from doing it again?

I know you made vows but I would say you're not married to a man who is taking his own vows seriously. When he says he doesn't respect you and will always cheat on you, I'd listen carefully. He's demonstrated that pretty clearly already.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry Hun but I agree with regretfulLA
It's hard on me with two children, I can't imagine with 6! Are some of them grown?
It's probably harder that he comes and goes. You have a lot of thinking to do. He has came back 4 times now, chances are he will again. The question is are you prepared to take him back? I'm all four standing but four times in 7 years,.,, Are you willing to keep putting yourself through this?

[LisaLost]

Thanks for the input. I agree alot with what you saying. I do think that this is an issue that won't get better. I know this deep down and our children don't want him home. They don't even like when he comes to see them. He is staying in a hotel and drives 2 hours both ways to work everyday except Sunday. So there is no way for him to get the kids on the weekend. He comes to my house to visit them.

He has always overlapped his relationships. Before we started dating I knew the he changed girl friends alot and always had one waiting before he left his current one. I guess it just hurts me that this time he says he is changing for the better with her. He says that they have open communication and talk about everything and he makes him feel good about himself. He says they have so much fun together. It hurts that he says these things and I don't know how to deal with him.

He hasn't filed anything yet that I know of and he still wants to have sex with me which I gave into one time and I hope this isn't TMI but he wasn't able to perform. Maybe he feels guilty for cheating on ow. I know I shouldn't have done that and I learned my lesson there.

I think the techniques used in divorcebusting will help me get through this and turn the focus on me. I have used a couple already and I know this isn't a game but I acted "as if" and pulled back he freaked out and text me asking if I was seeing someone else. I told him that I am worried about getting my life together and I didn't say yes or no about another man. I know that may have been wrong of me not to clear the air. He text me and asks if I am going out with him and when I only answer if it concerns the kids he reads into it and I get a text from him calling me names and stating that he is going to have the kids meet his 25 year old gf/ow. H knows that will hurt me. He is taking them today to meet her a her kids. She is in the process of getting a divorce.

I know I should not even have thoughts about her but I do. I hate that he is changing for her and didn't change for the kids and me. He says that they are meant to be. I asked him if there was a future with us a few weeks ago and he said that you never know what life will bring. What a line! He seems so happy with her and she has contacted me a few times saying she was sorry for what happened and didn't know if it was going to last with him but she was sure going I try it out and that she didn't want another man telling her what to do

I hope this doesn't sound crazy. I just really need help getting myself together. It hurts so much that he is happy with her and changing for her. I got out phone bill in and saw that he is constantly on the phone with her either texting or actual phone calls 20 plus times a day.

Sorry for the long posts there are lots of things I didn't include yet but as I go through this I am sure it will come out.


Lisa

[LisaLost]

Soul- our children are 17, 14, 12, 10, 5 and 4

[LisaLost]

Soul, what makes you think he will come back. Is it bc he has always come back? He says this time is different with her than all his other gf/ow. He says he never was in love with me and has been unhappy this whole time. To be honest it would feel good to have reality hit them but they will probably weather any trouble and they will live happy

[labug]

Loving someone doesn't make everything OK.

What do you really want?

Are you showing your children a life you would want them to follow?

[RegretfulLA]

Lisa, he may come back, he may not. But he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't respect you. You need to get up on your own two feet and not take this anymore.

Think about it this way. Go back and read your posts and imagine if someone else were telling you her story. What would you tell her to do? He's clearly established a pattern. He stays with you until something better/younger/skinnier comes along, and then follows that for a while... then when that doesn't work out you're always there for him... then away again and so forth. He will continue to do this until you put a stop to it.

Is this the person you want to be? Is this the kind of treatment you deserve? Think about why you are accepting this behavior as "ok". Are you in individual counseling by the way?

[LisaLost]

Yeah you are all right. I don't deserve this and my kids don't either. I try to set a good example for my kids and this is the one area I don't show them strength. I don't know why I accept this from him. I know that I apparently have veryow self esteem. I also feel so rejected. I enjoy him not being here bc everyone walked on eggshells and we were miserable. It just really hurts that he left me and is so happy with his new gf. I am left struggling with kids and bills and he gets all the fun. I know I am whining.

This ow is so cruel towards me and rubs it in my face that she took my H. She likes to say that he may have been a cheater before but things will be different with her and he is finally happy with her.

I am just hurt and lost. What should I do to pick myself up?

[LisaLost]

No I am not in IC. I don't have the money or time right mow