Looking for the silver lining...

[irishblessings]

Update...

I've started this post several times, but have been unable to complete it. Not really sure why...nothing sounds "right."

When XH (under the advisement of new GF) nixed the idea of leasing our house (even though I had his permission to do so AND had found a stable leaser) - I basically just threw my hands up in the air and said then you take care of it. I moved out of the house and now have a small, 1 bedroom apt with a water view. When I moved - I left key and have had no correspondence - which is exactly what I want.

I am, for the first time in my almost 50 years, living completely alone. It is quiet. Sometimes, it is unnerving. It is frightening and sometimes freeing. This move is providing me a very good venue for healing. Finally..

I feel as though I am finally able to put words to this loss - to these feelings. I recognize that I am no where near the person I once was. Before, I was always "up". I could see the good in everything and never really let much get me down. Nothing took me down so low because I had my life as a wife and a mother. I always felt more competent at work because I felt a perspective of where I recognized that my most important pieces were in place at home. Today, I have an empty nest and am a left-behind, disposed-of wife. As a result, my capacity for joy is severly diminished. My perspective is distorted. I recognize now that my kids see me as changed. I am angry that I haven't been stronger to not let the events influence me this way. There is this "hole" in my gut, soul. It's been there for a long time but now I am able to put words in place to describe it. I want to believe I can heal but I am full of doubts.

This weekend, my middle D and I traveled to see my son at school 5 hours away. We took him to the grocery, cleaned his apartment. I found myself tearing up several times though because I am not sharing these moments with his father.

I am struggling as well because the further away I get from the events at the end of the marriage - the sicker I get at what complete disgusting behaviors I was exposed to. How could someone - anyone - do those things to someone you had ANY feelings for? There are no answers for these questions but I feel like I'm looking for resolution.

At the end of the day, almost everyday, I am okay. That's it - okay. Is it enough? It has to be right now. But I want so much more...

[mirage]

Irish,
You and I were together and married to our spouses about the same amount of time.
I can appreciate where you are because that is where you are right now.
The only advise I can offer is to view it as a new journey and see where it takes you. I too have some melancholy moments. You are a human being and what is coming out of you is human feelings and emotions.
Hang in there and keep moving forward at your own pace. also understand that the people here get it. I get it.

There is no magic bullit other than forgiveness.

Please keep posting.

Mirage.

[forward]

IB,
You have not been D'ed very long. Give yourself some time to get used to the new IB and to your situation. You're not long working on things, either. It gets easier, but it takes some time.

Perhaps some other ways to look at things: You lost some naivete. You are stronger now. You are independent and free to do as you wish.

I remember that at some point, I realized I'd lost my sense of humor. Then it started to come back. You will start to find all kinds of ways that you're different from X, and that you like yourself better w/o him.

The empty nest is something that perhaps you are grieving as well. But...maybe now it's time to find who you are apart from X and family. You may find that you like the new IB better in the long run.

I think it's helpful to read self-help books, think about what happened, and think about how you want life to be better. I think it's natural to have pain and regret, but I also feel that those feelings pass over time and after a while the regret is a twinge here and there as opposed to being overwhelming, where you feel so very rejected.

Who do you want the new IB to be like?

[uRworthy]

IB, I am sorry you are feeling so sad. But it is ok. Really. You feel what you feel. There is no timeline, no clock. You get to where you need to be when you do.

Because you have had more upheaval - empty nest, moving, etc. it brings those feelings of loss closer to the surface again.

It is a huge thing living on your own, leaving your home, not having any children around. It takes time to adjust to it all.

You were always so hard on yourself. You have done amazing things during this time. And you have done them with dignity and courage.

So, time to go back to db101. Take care of yourself. Rest, eat, exercise, pray. Get your footing.

I know that you want resolution. I understand why you do. But there are some things in life that are just not resolved. And there are things in life that dont make any sense. Like losing a child or someone getting cancer. It's not the way life should go.

And so, it is best to let go of the need for resolution. There is no rational way to get it as this is inexplainable. It just is the way it is.

You are doing wonderfully. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day, you will feel happy again. You will.

[Golfgirl1]

So, who are you apart from the 'wife' and the 'mother?' Guess what? This is your shot to find out and it's tough work and the best work. You have no idea what and who you are going to find along your path. Be open for the amazing new life that awaits you and try not to get sucked down into the "what ifs" and "shoulda, coulda, woulda" because they will get you NOWHERE! There is no "what if" only "what is."

Hang in there....big hug!

[beatrice]

IB - I agree with what others have posted. I also thought I had lost my capacity for joy. It is like getting over a long illness and there are times when you don't think you will ever be able to run upstairs or do any job without feeling exhuasted.

The joy in my life returned gradually, and I was feeling happy again before I noticed I was. Like so many here, I was 'defined' by my happpiness in the relationship and family, despite a good career, lots of friends and outside interests. If I am honest I was a bit complacent.

I don't think it meant I lost my identity exactly, but I had one that was part of being a member of a very special group of people. That group is now gone in its old form. My children are all grown, and we have a new family dynamic. It isn't the same, it is good. On a bad day I don't think it can be as good as it was. But that isn't my fault. In reality it is very good and brings me much joy. I don't blame my xh. He has his own monsters to deal with and increasingly I feel more and more sorry for him.

Anyway, we were planning Christmas this year, and my youngest son and his gf are hosting it. We settled where everyone would stay, and it wasn't until some hours later I realised I never even thought of my xh. How different from that first Christmas, which we 'made' ourselves enjoy it. But enjoy it we did, and it set the pattern for me realising that we can decide to be who we are. We can stand oursideof ourselves and act the part and like good method acting we become the part

Acknowledge the rightness and justification for your sadness, and then go out and go on acting your socks off. You have so much about you, and life will be good again.

Part of the sadness is that it will never be what it was,and could have been, and part of acceptance is coming to terms with that, for yourself and your children.

[job]

IB,
I agree w/all of the posters that have posted to you. It takes time to regain the capacity for joy. You've had several whammies in the last few months, i.e., daughter gets married, son moves to college, you moved out of your home, etc. All of this kept your focus off of you and how you feel. Now, w/the sudden quietness, you are feeling the losses and yes, it's going to take time to get your feet planted again on firm ground, but you will do it.

Give yourself the gift of time. It going to take you a while to figure out what you want to do, but I promise you, what you are feeling right now will gradually disappear and when you least expect it, you will begin to notice the sun is shining, the birds chirping and the flowers are beautiful.

You have been extremely hard on yourself and there was absolutely nothing you could have done about your h's crisis. It is his to own all by his lonesome. As for the house, you did the right thing by walking away. You would never have pleased him because he doesn't know what he wants in the way of life.

IB, make a list of things that you would love to do, but haven't attempted them. It's time to start w/one little project and work yourself up to the larger ones when you are ready.

I'm sending you positive vibes and hugs!

[AntoniaB]

IB I felt like you did several months ago and still do in little pockets from time to time, but more than anything else I feel back to "normal" as far as the ability to be happy/joyful.

The difference for me is that I defined happiness and joy before only through my marriage. Now I define it in every other area of my life BUT a relationship with a significant other, because I don't have a significant other, nor do I see that changing any time soon.

I am almost at the point where my trust in relationships is so thoroughly broken (romantic ones) that I just don't put any faith in being in something long-term again. It's not just my own situation or the betrayal from my ex, but from what I witness with other people's relationships or even from my foray into dating, where in every case but one, I've been duped or lied to or deceived over and over again, despite being very wary. I mean just this morning I felt a bit unsettled about someone contacting me on match.com and i did a google image search on his photos only to find this is a professional scam-artist who has multiple fake profiles on tons of sites.

So because of all that, I guess I've just started to try to find joy in everything else. And really, everything else in life does amount to a lot. It can amount to something greater, really, than a relationship with a mate. I think you just need to try to keep finding ways to enjoy the things you do that can be seen as not part of the married version of IB.

Not sure how to explain it, but the more I focus on everything that is not part of coupledom, the happier and more content I am.

[AJM]

I am sorry to see you feel down. But then again not. I say that because I see something in this post...

My perspective is distorted. I recognize now that my kids see me as changed. I am angry that I haven't been stronger to not let the events influence me this way. There is this "hole" in my gut, soul. It's been there for a long time but now I am able to put words in place to describe it. I want to believe I can heal but I am full of doubts.

I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that you are seeing this. Why? Because it is the next step in healing! [censored] to be sure, but.... What you are describing is not a different you. You are describing a different perspective! And isn't that really what a lot of this is about? Perspective? You've been strong. You have lived through the worst of it, but it seems you may have put off some of the feelings. I see you are no longer putting them off and I am happy to see that. I know it sounds odd. But this is important!

At the end of the day, almost everyday, I am okay. That's it - okay. Is it enough? It has to be right now. But I want so much more...

...and that ^^^^ is the best part. You are no longer wanting to be "okay". That's a very very healthy step, if you ask me. You aren't willing to accept being "okay" any more. You "want" more! That is a far cry from before, is it not?

As for how or why? People can be like that. They have to live with themselves. They have to deal with their demons. They could have done much better, but did not. It is what it is. Not everyone is like that, but what is really different is your perspective. How you see events that happen for you.

You are still the same person. Your perspective is out of whack right now. But I think that's a healthy thing and I think you'll see that a little later. You won't stay in this state. You won't accept "okay" for very long and you'll change your perspective on things sooner than later. Life really is good and there is soooo much positive in it. What happened and your loss are really a small part of that in the scheme of things (different perspective).

A suggestion: Sometimes, a healthy habit to develop is to look for 3 positive things each day. Do that for 21 - 42 days every day at the same time. What that does is to help you look for the positives. It develops a habit that helps you see positive things in life.

I see greatness in your posts. I really do. Keep stepping toward the positives...

AJ

[irishblessings]

You all are SO amazing and give me so much strength and support. I feel so incredibly blessed to have found this site and be able to turn here at the highs and lows of this experience.

Thank you - each and every one of you!