Hello, I'm supposed to keep this short- as I am new here.
My situation is a bit different than most. I am 41 and so is my wife. We have one child, he is ten. We have been married 20yrs at this point. About 2 yrs. ago my wife started having an online emotional affair (Second Life). We weren't getting along that great either, Arguing. I felt horrible, she paid no attention to me. Said I didnt listen to her or something like that;) No really, I didn't know how to meet her needs. How to just hear her, and how she was feeling. Then she broke us up. we got separate apartments. I went right out and got a new GF. This made her insanely jealous. I broke up with new girl after 3 months, so I could go back to my family and her. We started couples therapy back when I first got the GF. Then things were getting better for a year. At that point I had some problems, found out I was bi-polar, and got depressed. I broke up with my wife. Stopped couples therapy. I also got my bi-polar medicated, and got on antidepressants. It took about a year to get that all under control. We still talked to each other and went out as a family on weekends. Divorce had been kicked around and was like we just were being lazy about it. Actually I was dragging my feet, but i didnt tell her that. I just didnt make any effort toward it. I was feeling good and I was starting to want to go back and try it again, I was afraid to ask her to take me back. Then she has a guy (same as before) from the UK come over for 2 weeks. This made me insanely jealous. I didnt expect that. I told her all this- That I loved her, And wanted to try it again. I also begged and pleaded and all the stuff I wasnt supposed to do. So she is into this other guy and I want to win her back. She said its just easier to be with him. That he is good with sharing his emotions. She said she would go back to the couples councilor with me. That happens 2 weeks from now. How should I proceed to win her back? What method. I have "the divorce remedy" book. Thanks for your time.
Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
So she is into this other guy and I want to win her back. She said its just easier to be with him. That he is good with sharing his emotions. She said she would go back to the couples councilor with me. That happens 2 weeks from now. How should I proceed to win her back? What method. I have "the divorce remedy" book. Thanks for your time.
Right now the big selling point of OM is that he is not you. He has problems of his own, but she doesn't see them yet. In time she will. Right now all you can do is work on yourself. Figure out what your contributions were to the marriage failing and do 180's on those things. Settle in for the long haul, this won't be fixed overnight or in a week or a month. It's going to take many months. Be consistent with your 180's. She will notice, but it will take time before she accepts that you really have changed and aren't just doing it to trick her into coming back to you. Also, work on GAL (get a life). Reach out to old friends, make new ones. Pick up old hobbies and new ones. Run, lift weights, cycle, fly a kite, build a model, work on your car, whatever makes you happy and takes your mind off the M even if only for a while. Read DR over and over again and work the principles into your life. Print out the DB 180 tips and review them daily to remind yourself what to do and not do regarding your W.
Thank you both for your speedy replies. I will do 180's, and GAL. She doesn't seem to want to talk about her feelings at all. She does talk about general stuff like what our kid is doing or whatever. Should I keep trying or not? Can I let her see me reading the DB book?
Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
Thank you Chatterbug, I looked at DB therapy, it seems to have a lot in common with Hakomi/RCS . I am actually studying to become a Hakomi and RCS therapist. I've done the first year and am on my second.
Thank you Anotherstander. I will figure out what 180's to do and concentrate on GAL and read DB.
Another question, should I let her see me reading the DB?
Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
I've noticed that one of the testimonials at the end of the "divorce remedy" book the husband had his wife read the DB book. Why shouldn't I at least have my wife read the first chapter of DR? It highlights the reasons to stay married.
Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
It was what he was writing to Michele.....not what she advised to him. I feel it would not be wise to try to get her to read the book right now. Of course, you could talk to the DB coaches and get advice.
Asking your W to read DR or any other book on M is your way of trying to fix things.....or as you said, "win her back". It doesn't usually work that way. I think DR is written more with the LBS in mind. Michele is giving advice to the one who wants the M to continue....not the one who wants to end it. Also, DR is like your tool box. It gives you the tools to use in how to coop. It's for "you".
I am curious as to why you think your story is different and doesn't fit any of the categories on the board. If you'll read some of the other threads here, you can't help but notice how they all begin to sound alike.
Right now you feel scared and in panick mode. The first thing you have to do is calm your fears and find inner stability. If you'll read far enough, you'll find what is... and what is not an attractive man to a woman. Until your W begins to feel attracted to you again...the chances of her wanting to stay are slim. I say slim b/c there are a few cases where one will find their moral compass....or spiritual conviction, and decide to do the "right thing" and stay in the M. That's what I did and let me tell you, it is a very slow and painful journey when one does not have the desire for the other one.
The fact that your W was jealous of you and the GF, shows that she still had some type of feeling about it. Doesn't mean it was love....but she felt something. It's when she totally feels nothing for the LBH that seems so hopeless. I'm not saying to run out there and try to make her jealous again, okay? I'm just pointing out that your M can still be saved, but it's going to take a tremdous amout of work on yourself. Not her. YOU! You can't fix anyone but yourself. She will have her own battles and work to face, but first things first.
Are you going to stick with us? I hope so. You need to post every day if possible, in order to keep people responding to your thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Have you looked into Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?
DBT is specifically tailored to BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Since you are new here, i suggest you read several threads from beginning to end and look for the similarities in your situation.
You must have been on moderation and your posts need to get reviewed before the moderators allow them to publish.
Be patient.
I am learning a new way to look at myself from reading all the advice given to others.
Try to not let anxiety get in the way. The best actions can always be deferred to later.
Work on improving yourself.
Ed
Me, 55 W, 36 T, 10 yrs S-9 M, 8 yrs 1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa 2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa W, AA relapse early 2009-Current W moved out 2-16-2012 New OM 5-2012
I feel this situation is different because I left her and while split she got a BF. So Its not an affair. It may be sort of the same, but not the same. I am the one now that wants to try and save marriage.
I hear that I just need to GAL. It is very difficult at the moment. I have a job, I lift weights, I am attending School, I fish with my son, I just went to Vegas, I went to my friends birthday bash at a pub on Friday night. -Seems like I have a life. I am quite busy.
I will try to stick with you guys. I read DR twice. I have goals.
"Am I Too Late" Thanks for the clarification about DBT.
I think I am off moderation now.
------------------------- Another element I should mention is that we work at the same place, so we have to see each other quite a bit. So... This morning she confided in me that she is beating herself up, and that its not fair that I want her and she is "supposed" to not proceed with new guy. My son was mad at her for having OM at house. She is still pretty upset about that. Later on we had another chat when she asked me how I was doing, I was sad. I asked her how she was doing, she said ok and then proceeded to say she is not interested in me moving back in or being in a relationship with me, also that she is not interested in any physical relation. I wasn't even asking about these things she was just saying this stuff.
One of my 180's is to listen to her and ask her about her day and how she is feeling.
Also we spent a lot of time together over the weekend with our son. We went out to dinner with our son, we had drinks together at her house. No relationship talk. I've been reading 5 love languages. While I was watching our son at her house I mowed her lawn and did the dishes, while she went out with her mom to eat and shop. Is that good or bad? She was happy about it.
So what should I do in couples therapy tomorrow?
Me-41, W-41, S-9, Married 20, Separated 11-11, OM 10-12.
