For the kids I am trying to do what is right for them, not for me or her. If I can't see them on the weekends, then so be it. If its going to provide them stability, then I will deal with it.
I do not find of every other week or 2/3/2 schedule. Acceptable because it doesn't provide alot of stability for the kids. Plus based on our work schedules, she isn't that flexible. She wants me to sacrifice all my time to watch the kids during the day and then leave as soon as she gets back. I am not doing that either because she thinks it's going to be that simple in her new life. She thinks one of our parents will help.
She doesn't realize my parents, nor her parents will help anymore because they don't want to be stuck in the middle. They disagree separating is the best decision, they disagree with her that I am a terrible husband. They all know it's the OM who has her in this fog.
Yesterday
We took the kids out. She was okay. We didn't talk much, kept it to business. I wanted to hold her. It felt so weird to be constantly cold. Didn't argue, didn't discuss R. I had a good time with the kids.
At least she didn't talk about splitting or divorce or custody...
I decides to be my W best friend in this and continue my 180 as a person who is chasing a GF to date.
She feels much better and we have been talking like normal, except no physical contact.
Hardest thing I am doing now....i realized I need to GAL but also I am doing my W the best thing for my wife. To be there for her new life.
I helped her file D papers, she says if something happens we don't have to sign it. of course I have hope without expectations. I told her if we finalize this, I need along time away from her.
She also is giving me physical custody of the kids because I won't deny her kids.
In the end, I decided to not fight the flow but to help it, be there for her like when we got married. Whatever happens, happens. I really love her and want her to be happy.
Some may call me a doormat..but I know my wife is a great women and I appreciated all those years she gave me. I won't ever lose the memories I had with her. I wish we can create more and we will just not as husband and wife.
I hope to keep journaling this because I know there will be days ita hard to look at my wife(now my best friend) and continue to see how beautiful she is.
Everybody makes mistakes but I refuse to drown myself in dispair. I want what's best for kids and her.
Thanks to the people who commented. Sorry for the grammar, wrote this on my phone.
My W is beginning her name change process, since her driver license is set to renew. Hurts to hear this....makes me think their is no hope.
Oh well another pain to deal with. Time will heal it.
Original she was going to buy another house but then she decided to rent(I suggested it) but I guess renting is a good sign vs buying. So helping her in this process. It's kind of hard to hear her say financially it's going to hit her. She makes good money but at the same time, paying for rent, insurance, health care, utilities are coming to reality but I know this isn't a show stopper for her.
I still don't know how the W can tell our 3 kids, that she is leaving the family. As a man, it's hard enough to see the impact on kids but she thinks it's going to be okay for them. This is the part that makes me mad because she is living without really trying because I had flaws that can be fixed, communication can improve and I can met her needs, but she is leaving for a guy she barely knows (she says, she isn't but it's hard to believe this)
I Don't beat myself over this but I was never abusive, I provided for the family. The only criticism I had was work was a priority for me but 2 months ago I took a new position (less stress, less work) and I could pay attention to the kids more (but I had compliments from other friends, who said why can't they be more like me with kids). I just don't get why she won't try after this life changing event because I know our marriage will be better.
She told me a few days ago, she was confused about her love for me. Like maybe it was family love not "love" but how can you be with someone for 15 years with 3 boys and confused about love?
Ya I know, don't believe everything they say.....
Oh well, our life was almost perfect. About to pay our house off (no other debt). She could of retired at age of 34 and pursue her other dreams (baking). So many good things could of happen but she choose this path and I have to respect it. I just feel so bad for our 3 boys...so young, they are so happy now.
My W finallly told her parents about our decision. Of course they don't necessary agree with it, but I am kind of mad that they suggested, I move out and it would be easier for W.
Yes, i admitted my mistakes Yes, I want to fix the marriage YEs, I want to be a better person No, I am not the one who wants to leave
So i don't get it, why they suggested I move out. Anybody in this situation that actually moved out (has kids), when there wife wanted to leave?
Today we talked about custody of kids and based on the best interest for kids.
M-F I get the kids due to my flexible job and willing to Stop my career growth. W picks kids up Friday and drops them off Sunday.
Here is the catch...she wants to visit them anytime during M-F and cook for them. Which is odd to me, can't complain, it allows me to interact with her.
However she also proposed to alternate weekends. Which I then replied "no, I will not alternate weekends because I get them M-F and I want the mom to spend as much time as possible with the kids. She says she needs some weekends to get out.
These boys are 8,5, and 1. They don't need parents that want to have a single life...I know having your own free time is important but am I selfish in thinking with kids so young, it's important that each parent spend as much time with kids equally. I felt like she was giving me a 70/30 custody.
Abandoning 3 kids at such a young age and then telling me she doesn't always want the kids on weekends.......
Last night, W and I had a really great conversation. We laughed and for a brief few minutes i felt a little passion between us (i felt like a little kid who had a crush). There was tension (even if it was small) but our kids interrupted. But for that 15-20 minutes we couldn't stop talking to each other, she had a great smile. It almost reminded me of our times in college.
We both agreed to go out on a date (drink and late night snack) for later.
I have to tell you, even though it seems like things are getting better, I have to keep telling myself "Hope without expectations".
It was easy detatching myself when she was cold to me, but now with her opening up again its making this harder for me to detatch. Since last night, i can't stop thinking of good thoughts about her. I may be setting myself up for more hurt because I still don't know her true intentions of being the way she was last night.
Is it because, I agreed to let her go (let her move out), told her I will always be there to help her when she leaves, helping her file papers.
Or is because she is slowly coming out of the fog? She is of course still planning on moving out and filing papers.
Or is it because she is having a guilt trip about hurting me and the family?
I wasnt prepared to have her fill my love tank....She may be doing it without noticing it. My love tank was half empty, but now its more than slightly half full.
Right now, I just keep telling myself "Hope without expectations" and continue to follow DB rules but its hard when she is filling my love tank (either purposely or un-purposely).
How fast your hopes gets crushed...W just said might visit the other man this Dec.....
It hurts so bad. I know she is being honest about it but to hear those words, it stabs me in my heart to know, the person i love wants to see the Other man.
I need a shoulder, I want to scream, cry, yell for help. But in the end, i know it won't help, it will make me feel better for 5 minutes...
I think you’re making this much too easy for her. If you want to preserve your marriage, you need to SLOW DOWN the process, not speed it up. Quit helping her so much. What you need is time for her to change her perception of the marriage and the OM. Time to see that her present marriage can be better.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I think you’re making this much too easy for her. If you want to preserve your marriage, you need to SLOW DOWN the process, not speed it up. Quit helping her so much. What you need is time for her to change her perception of the marriage and the OM. Time to see that her present marriage can be better.
Slow down the process? I can't stop her from seeing the OM, she is already filing the papers.
I already told her, when we split custody of the kids, i won't cover her weekends for any activies that involve the OM.
I helped her file D papers, she says if something happens we don't have to sign it. of course I have hope without expectations. I told her if we finalize this, I need along time away from her.
She also is giving me physical custody of the kids because I won't deny her kids.
In the end, I decided to not fight the flow but to help it, be there for her like when we got married. Whatever happens, happens. I really love her and want her to be happy.
The above is speeding up the D process. Quit helping her. D may be what she wants NOW, but will she in 6 months? A year? Is it what YOU want? Consider talking to a lawyer to learn how the D process works in your state, and how you can stall it. Again, you need TIME.
Quote:
I really love her and want her to be happy.
How long do you think she'll be happy with this new guy? What's the chance they will marry and grow old together? How happy will she be years from now when she realizes what she did to her kids and family, and the Husband who loves her?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
