Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[Arsene]

Hey Bill,

As saddened as I am about your situation, I am also glad to see you standing tall and displaying this strength. I'm sure, based on the way you are taking it, that it will be for the best in the end my friend.

Hats off to you mate!

[breakdownbill]

I totally agree that going through this has made me so much more self aware and stronger emotionally.

I'd like to think I'd be able to just simply say, "my marriage didn't work out, but we are still friends".

I think that's a big thing for me, just letting go of all that hurt I was carrying around with me.

I know what happened, my W knows what happened, if people asked me I'd tell them but it's not important enough for me to hang on to that image.

I hope my W does go to IC to at least start looking inwards to move forward from this.

On a lighter note, I think I'll have to join a gym because our winters here are rubbish for doing anything outdoors and I want to keep building up my mileage for next year and that half marathon I want to run.

How are you getting on CB? Still training hard for the next race?

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Arsene

It is sad really that my M is coming to an end, but I think I'm going to keep our friendship, which is definitely better than being horrible to each other (esp when kids are involved).

I feel like I've grown up so much and I'm not worried about being alone or the future, because I can see much more clearly now.

It's true what they say about making your own happiness, YOU do it yourself and when you are with people you love, you share your individual happiness with each other and neither has to be dependent on the other for happiness.

That's what we need to focus on mate.

BTW I liked your rodeo bull riding analogy you posted the other day

[chatterbug]

Bill that friendship will change to friendly acquaintances with shared history. Realistically thinking you are not going to call her and talk about your dating issues nor should you have to listen to her's. Eventually you will become strangers like the women you dated 13 to 20 years ago.

where the only time you will see each other is at weddings , funerals , birth of grandkids... That's about it. This is what the on going affair costs and the choice to not work on the marriage. I know this does not make sense right now. But down the road to have a healthy relationship where you both go your separate ways then this is what happens. Acquaintances who can co-parent then just Acquaintances.

[breakdownbill]

I guess I haven't thought that far down the road about how much or how little we will see each other co-parenting.

I haven't got any agenda in terms of wanting to get back with my wife, so how things will be should just work themselves out with time.

I mean things are different already in terms of the wider family on both sides. My W has had little or nothing to do with my family since Christmas and I don't get the impression that I would be welcome anytime soon at the MIL's since my W told her about the D.

We are going to spend Christmas morning together with the children & then the kids will spend the rest of the day with W then the evening with me & stay over.

We are telling the children on Friday about the D, which is just going to be awful, but we both have to be strong for them. It will be a compete bombshell for them to deal with.

[MrBond]

Before you do that, come up with a plan as to how they are going to be split. They're going to have to learn that you are no longer a family and that they are going to get used to being traded off.

[breakdownbill]

Bond, I agree about coming up with a plan before we split and to be fair I have actually posted about this already a couple of times on this thread...

I'm going to move back in with my parents whilst I'm still at UNI doing my teacher training and the children will be staying with me 3 nights a week at my parents place (we've even agreed on a rota - which we can be flexible on).

This is not something we haven't discussed at length with each other.

They're going to have to learn that you are no longer a family and that they are going to get used to being traded off.

Yes the children will have two separate families as opposed to one big family and this transition needs to be managed on their timeline, with their feelings and emotions being considered every step of the way.

I think the last part in bold is very cynical and presumptious about how it is going to be for my children.
I certainly won't want them to feel like they are being traded off and would hope that they would look forward to spending time with their dad by me making it fun and as homely as possible.

Just on a lighter note and please don't take offence to this, but when I read your posts I picture Mr Fredricksen from 'UP'.
I don't know why but thought I had to confess and share that with with you

Bill

[chatterbug]

Bill what he and I are saying is write it out.

Write out what you want.


Then you can negotiate.


Until this is down in writing its just hear-say.

No more. When it is written out and presented you will see if it really is going to happen or if you have some battles ahead.

I must stress this.

DO NOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU HAVE AN AGREEMENT THAT IS BINDING.

[tori2012]

Bill, I'm sorry about what you're going through. I'm living through it right now, and I can imagine it's a lot worse where there are children involved. I am sending you lots of strength and peace for your family meeting on Friday.

Only six months ago, I could not imagine not talking to my H every day. Now, it's been 6 weeks since we talked, and he has turned into this money-hungry stranger. It's amazing how a family/R can break apart. But it does happen. It does open your eyes. And let's hope we are all learning from this experience as the days go by.

[Grateful]

I am right there with you as well.