beginning my journey of DB

[Cadet]

I can tell you there can always be HOPE but NO EXPECTATIONS.

As long as you can protect your HOPE then it remains inside of YOU.
However you must DETACH and LET GO in order for this to happen.
If you do not do this then your hope will be destroyed along with your EXPECTATIONS.

As far as your identity, you must find that on your own without him.
You do not depend on another for YOUR identity.
That you carve out by yourself.

Part of this script is for them to destroy everything that you have known.
The house right now is on FIRE.
Dont stand around inside of it.
Take whatever small things you need and get out.
Those small things can help you rebuild a new house somewhere else.

I hope this makes sense.

[Arsene]

The loss of my own identity feels huge - who am I without him.

I know for one that this is not an attractive thing i a woman (for me anyway). That could be one of these 180s I was talking about. You were someone before him and you have to find that person.

Take this time on your own as a gift for you to recap where you are. Do you really want your life to be defined by someone else? Do you really want to be no one if that person is not around?

I know it hurts. They say it gets easier and perhaps it does but I think that everyone on this site who is still working on saving their M still cries now and then. I know I still do, perhaps too often for my liking .

Now this is your first task. Grab a pen and paper and start writing the qualities you had before meeting H, write the things you liked to do before him. Write things you've always wanted to do but never did. Then write down the steps you'll need to take in order for you to get these things back and to fulfill these dreams you have. These are some of the steps you need to take to find YOU again.

Go girl!!!

[TD35]

Now this is your first task. Grab a pen and paper and start writing the qualities you had before meeting H, write the things you liked to do before him. Write things you've always wanted to do but never did. Then write down the steps you'll need to take in order for you to get these things back and to fulfill these dreams you have. These are some of the steps you need to take to find YOU again.

Great advice. It is a great way to recapture part of you and the list is helpful in identifying some 180's as well. I hope you are able to try it. It will be worth it.

[LittleWings]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Yet again you have given me hope and yes Cadet, it makes perfect sense! I can now breathe deeply and control my panic and sadness again thanks to you guys. I am now going to get that pen and paper as you suggested Arsene and I know you are so right that it is unattractive to have my identity wrapped up in someone else's. I know I need to stop defining myself by others and validate myself from the inside and remember who I was, who I am am and who I wish to become. I hope that you all are having a strong and positive day and I truly do thank you for taking the time and care to write on my thread,

May you all have a happy day,

[AnotherStander]

it hurts it hurts it hurts and I miss him. I cant stop crying and I want to call him, I just want to hear his voice. Please tell me I can save my marriage.

We can't guarantee you that, all we can tell you is that there have been many people in your exact situation that did later reconcile. But first you've got to get through the grieving process that you are clearly in. You should absolutely not try to contact H in any way while you are grieving because you will end up in the beg/ plead mode and that will push him farther away. Just avoid him and try to work your way through the grief. Reach out to friends and family for support, but don't try to get them to takes sides or try to justify your position to them because that too can get back to H and drive him farther away. Just use them for emotional support.

I haven't heard from him now since Friday when he said - 'we can be friends in time, like a year maybe but for now no contact except for formalities' this is such a turn around from him wanting to be good friends and go and do stuff together still etc.

Have you read DR yet?

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.

He is going to say many hurtful things in the coming weeks/ months. Just remember that it doesn't mean anything, it's his emotions talking. It's important to validate his emotions, do not argue, justify, etc. He says no contact? You say "I understand why you feel that way and will respect your wishes." Then follow through, don't contact him! Let him contact you. It may take quite a while. But rest assured he is thinking about you even though it may not seem like it.

How can I save our marriage if our contact is zero.....!

You have to understand that zero contact is not "doing nothing". You are doing something, it is a form of fighting. Possibly the hardest form, because it goes against our beg/ plead instincts. You are giving him time and space. That will go further towards saving your marriage at this point than anything else you might be picturing.

I am seeing someone else too right now, he is kind and sweet and loves me, it helps me get through the lonely times but not sure if this is the right thing to be doing? Is is ok to date whilst Db'ing?

Wow, you're actually dating someone already? You're in the middle of grieving, personally I think that's a bad idea because your emotions are all over the place right now. Plus it can derail your efforts to save your M.

I dont understand why he cant see that we could make this if he would only try, it all feels so hopeless now.

Read DR, it'll help you understand what's going on. We all wish we could sit down with our spouses, have a rational discussion of why they should quit this silliness and then go back to a loving M. Ain't gonna happen. You're dealing with someone that's letting his emotions run the show. Logic and reason are on vacation for now. DB'ing addresses how to deal with people like this, and it's contrary to what we all think we should be doing. That's why it's important to keep reading it throughout the process.

What happens now to all the dreams and goals and passions we shared, now what.

Like John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans". Yes it's miserable to see your plans go up in flames. Believe me, I know. At my age I wasn't far from a happy retirement with W, we had all the financials worked out, had a fantastic road map in place, and now it's all out the door. That's life, it's full of interesting twists, turns and surprises. Some good, some bad. We have no choice but to roll with the punches and try to emerge as better people.

[LittleWings]

Hi anotherstander - that really help, thanks so much for taking the time to write and I hope that you are having a positive day too. I know I must stay strong and believe in the process and continue to work on myself. I am going to respect my H wishes for no contact as he works out his own emotions and thoughts and I need to give myself the space and time to do this myself too. I am blessed with great friends who are listening to me and supporting without giving advice except for saying take care of yourself, learn about yourself, be healthy, get out and do things and in the end it this is meant to be it will be. I spending time with friends as much as I can and trying not to be alone too much as I find that soooooooo hard, in those moments of great sadness all I want to do is be held - hence the dating, which I know is crazy really and I have to find the strength to go on this journey alone, I don't want to make the same mistakes of validating myself via another person, I have to work on myself and discover that I am enough, that I am responsible for my own happiness and I dont 'need' someone to make me happy. That I think is the biggest lesson I must learn. I worry for my H too, though, I wonder how he is coping, I hate so much to think of him sad, he too is dealing with so many emotions as he battles working out his childhood hurts that have come up in therapy. I am continuing to go to therapy alone as is he, we went together for a while until H decided that he wanted to separate, but he still sees the same lady I do so I am glad he has that support, his network of friends is not as big as mine and I worry for him. We moved out here to australia together 5 years ago and we have no family here, makes it extra hard. Anyway, I am out with friends tonight and I dragged myself to yoga this morning and have planned a beach walk with a friend n Sunday - taking small positive steps, it's all I can do. As you said anotherstander life is indeed full of twists and turns and perhaps without them we would not learn and grow as we are forced now to do during these difficult times, wishing you all the best. Stay smiling,

[GALbaby]

Hang in there Little Wings. It does get better. You have lots of friends and people who are going through the same things here. We all understand.

[Arsene]

Nice work LW,

You're already starting to sound more in control. Just try not to focus on H. Keep the focus on yourself. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him (or about him). That's his own battle to fight and he'll fight it in his own way on his own timeline. Focus on what you can do to make your life better and push on.

Tell yourself that he probably thinks about you as much as you think about him. It doesn't change anything but it means that if there are consistent and lasting changes in you, you can bet that he'll find out one way of another.

Keep it up girl!

BTW, can you put spaces between your paragraphs? It makes it easier to read.

[Cadet]

BTW, can you put spaces between your paragraphs? It makes it easier to read.

YES just hit carriage return everyonce in a while.

I find blocks of type like that so intimadating that I wont read them.

[AnotherStander]

I am blessed with great friends who are listening to me and supporting without giving advice except for saying take care of yourself, learn about yourself, be healthy, get out and do things and in the end it this is meant to be it will be.

You are blessed indeed, most of the time family and friends try to "fix" our marital problems (usually by telling us to dump the M) and they just make things worse.

I don't want to make the same mistakes of validating myself via another person, I have to work on myself and discover that I am enough, that I am responsible for my own happiness and I dont 'need' someone to make me happy.

Yes, exactly! If you're reading self-help books (and I hope you are) then you might consider The Happiness Trap, it goes deep into that very subject of happiness, where it comes from, etc. It's also a great book for helping understand and accept the emotions associated with grief. I particularly like how the book explains all emotions are valuable and we shouldn't give them good and bad connotations. It's unrealistic to expect to be "happy" all the time, the full range of emotions are normal and should be accepted rather than fought. The trick is to accept them without letting them affect our outlook on life, and that's where the book becomes a great resource.

Anyway, I am out with friends tonight and I dragged myself to yoga this morning and have planned a beach walk with a friend n Sunday - taking small positive steps, it's all I can do.

Good! Yes, you have to drag yourself to these GAL activities at first. But do it anyway, even if you think you'd rather sit at home. Eventually you'll find that it doesn't take as much effort to drag yourself there, and then it doesn't take any effort because you WANT to go Stick with it, you're on the right track!

As you said anotherstander life is indeed full of twists and turns and perhaps without them we would not learn and grow as we are forced now to do during these difficult times, wishing you all the best.

Great attitude to have I truly believe there is a reason for everything. Often we don't know the reason until later, and sometimes we may never know at all. But there is a deliberate purpose to it.