Speaking of lighthouses I love this song - I sing it everyday in my head to my wife -- she sleeps in the Living Room now -- somedays I get to see her sleeping and I love that I can actually look at her -LOL !!!! -- So this is a song of hope -- the words are very fitting for the LBS of an MLCer -
The video follows it's actually sung on a LIGHTHOUSE - how fitting
Candle on the Water Lyrics
I'll be your candle on the water My love for you will always burn I know you're lost and drifting But the clouds are lifting Don't give up you have somewhere to turn
I'll be your candle on the water 'Till ev'ry wave is warm and bright My soul is there beside you Let this candle guide you Soon you'll see a golden stream of light
A cold and friendless tide has found you Don't let the stormy darkness pull you down I'll paint a ray of hope around you Circling in the air Lighted by a prayer
I'll be your candle on the water This flame inside of me will grow Keep holding on you'll make it Here's my hand so take it Look for me reaching out to show As sure as rivers flow I'll never let you go I'll never let you go I'll never let you go...
Like the words Sunnyburst. Never heard of the song before today.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
We had a quiet weekend and then my bIL called. He spoke to my h in such an attacking way that he spent an hour and half defending, digging his heals, and confirming his actions.
Most of the conversation was about God, faith, and evil doings, only confirming in my H mind why he should be away from the family.
I was left with the depressed, angry, and arrogant man who began to speak of how he's not doing evil, but he's going to keep helping ea/ow because she's one helpless person he can Shepard.
I said nothing. He stopped pretty fast (lasted half hour) then he seemed to have a grip again, joining us for dinner.
It is getting easier to deal as time goes on, I'm not left feeling devastated or even anxious. But, it's definitely putting distance in my heart and feelings of love or passion for my H.
I spent the weekend with "an ole friend, I have a past with" we made dinner, watched a movie, played a game, and it felt nice, but just nice.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Sooo, I went to counseling today and H went with “to accompany me” and it was very interesting.
H talked a lot, he showed anger and the doc said ‘’you are very angry, I don’t see the evil you speak about, you seem like a good mannered person who is scared, hurt, let down, and trying to be something your not, YOUR NOT A BAD ASS, you just want try to be one”
‘’Also, you can say you don’t love your wife but I don’t believe you, it’s your (I dont remember what he said), and Dawn, you say your not in love w/him anymore, I don’t believe that either, your trying to protect yourself from him”.
H said there may be times he doesn’t come…yada yada, the doc said he’s going to set me up with boundaries. and work with him on….himself. Now he didn't say all of this in a speech, but these are the words collected over 45 min. that I summed up.
That’s it, it’s somewhere to start, I told the doc. I’m not trying to fix him, I’m working on myself, before anything, even the marriage. He said good because he’s in a whirlwind!
Doc apologized if he seemed abrupt but my h just wanted more. He didn't challenge him, he acknowledge that this is how he is acting, expressing how much he's hurting me.
H just observed the other day that we were both now middle aged, that it's my life too and he's "f-ing" it up for me. He said he wishes he could just love me and give me what I want, he’s starting to “see” me again a little. He does carry a lot of guilt on him.
He came home late again in the morning after work, and again expressing that he's not doing anything (no PA, no drugs) but "helping" a broken down person, get some groceries, go to doc. blah blah. It helps him when he does this....fantasy...maybe gonna change her life.
He is saying now, that he see's all these people EA hangs with and listens when they talk reflecting that "he would never get to this point". A few months ago he was scum under my shoe, and was trying to hang with them.
He was doing all of the above and now he just takes her groceries, sits in the car while she goes to doc. and checks on her that she has food. She has told him not to make a liar out of her and go in her house, because she insisted to me that she doen't cross the line with him. She has also told him to stop trying to welfare her, he's married, but he doesn't think he's doing wrong helping a crazy person who is alone.
Is she an EA? What is the definition? Someone he would confide in, complain about me to, party with, someone that makes h feel better about himself, sex jokes, flirting, someone who puffs his ego, I don't think there's a single definition. Any thoughts?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
OMG, I want to see Your Therapist! Sounds so cool. Our MC actually gave H some justification in his PA by saying "Well, you have been separated 7 months."
Your H sounds so much like mine. I know a big part of what makes H run is how disappointed he is in his achievements, earning, "success." Our house isn't enough, our income isn't enough, our Everything has never been enough and I know he blames himself to a great extent---when he's not blaming me!
I read your previous thread and the OW even sounds similar to the drug addictd skank my H is addicted to.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I spent the day crying at my H because I felt hopeless after the realization that I'm in counseling.
All I want to do is say "hey guy - you see this man now fix him" my H was so honest, caring, mean (though he wasn't trying to be) and I was so confused at the end of the session I was crying. The counselor called it "session interruptus" and left me hanging so today I popped, poof I was a mess.
My h is all over the place... definitely saying some of the same spew but also stopping himself, muttering "what am I saying that for" or "that's to mean to say". He has new stuff now like - I'm not trying to leave you, maybe there's some kinda hope.
Everything he says he contradicts, but there's new stuff in the mix that shows he's becoming a little more conscience of what his words.
He took my melt down ok, thought I was stronger than that, asked me to hold it together, we cant both loose it, I would have worse ramifications because I'm not a hard ass.
please someone read the ea/ow question I think I'm right in calling it as I see it.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Went to GAL by myself today,it felt good. I don't do alone well without getting depressed.
So I came home for lunch with the kids. Tried to stay busy, while h muttered to himself in bed all day yucky like. Now comes the night, H leaves for work, kids who are not kids, but adults w/lives, and me.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Dawn: STOP feeling bad about being in counseling! And realize this: counseling is HARD HARD HARD stuff... bringing out things that your brain has been pushing back to protect yourself, having to face these things dead-on and work through them... I mean it's insanely difficult at times.
But you know what? Those days-after of crying, of second guessing, of self-doubt and introspection... They're GOOD for you. You've spent SO MUCH TIME trying to be strong for HIM, trying to do what's best FOR HIM, that you've let YOU get pushed back to the second fiddle.
Counseling will help with that. DBing will help with that. And we will try our hardest to help with that too!
So for your EA question: And I must state that this is JUST my opinion, as I know I'll be wording it strongly...
Yes. Absolutely 100% yes. He is in an EA right now. A very simple way to look at it is this: He is giving and getting emotional support outside of his marriage. From another woman. He is sharing things with her that he can't or won't with you. He is being there for HER, but not for you. He is helping HER through her situation, but not YOU with YOUR situation.
That's a pretty textbook EA to me. And I DON'T want to be a doom-sayer here, and I don't want to put things that are hurtful into your head, but I think it's necessary at this point... EAs often turn to PAs.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do about that.
Just work on you. Hit counseling HARD. GAL... all those DB cliches... And remember YOU are the most important person in YOUR life.
Hello Dawnmarie I remember i felt/though all sorts when i started counselling BUT it has been the best thing I have ever done for ME so I agree with all that AT said.
You'll come to realise so much about your self and H.
As for the EA. I wondered whether H has picked someone that he can do good for. Someone who perhaps he sees "lower" than him. Someone he can help that will help him feel better about the way he views himself. I don't know. None of us do. None of us really know why people do the things they do.
He's on his journey. You are on yours and you have great support - family, counselling and this community who will hold you on those days when you can't hold your self.
We are your lighthouse ((((Dawnmarie))))
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
