Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[breakdownbill]

I think if my kids didn't see me for a few days a week my W may have a case for abandonment, which over here can affect your access rights.

My W may be a lot of things, but she wouldn't do that to me, plus she would want the kids out of her hair a few nights a week so she can have her own life too.

It's late now, so I think I will talk with my W about what our separation options are tomorrow and probably break the news to the kids at the weekend.

[Denver_2010]

Good luck Bill. You are moving forward and that is good. It will be better soon I'm sure.

[breakdownbill]

Yeah it just has to get better now, it really couldn't have gotten much worse.

It will be weird not living as a family 24/7 at first, but this change will be good for everyone.

[afa75]

Sorry to hear of the recent developments Bill.
Sounds like you're doing considerably well.
Keep taking care of yourself for you and the kiddos.

[chatterbug]

I think if my kids didn't see me for a few days a week my W may have a case for abandonment, which over here can affect your access rights.

My W may be a lot of things, but she wouldn't do that to me, plus she would want the kids out of her hair a few nights a week so she can have her own life too.

This is one of those times where you are going to have to take some short term pain for long term gain.

Your lawyer advises against it. Your hedging that your wife is going to be fair with you....

Lots of IF's here Bill.

2 years ago if I said to you that your wife will have an affair on you and ask for divorce. You would say.

My wife would not do such a thing. That is not the person she is.

But she became that person.

I would look at getting a day or two away tops. Just for a break.

Then back home until this is legally worked out and binding.

Like you said. She can go stay with OM as well for a day or two.

So that is now 3 days your in the house together instead of 7.

Talk with your lawyer and come up with a plan that does not offer the chance of her playing the abandonment card on you.

Divorce is Breakdownbill vs. Mrs. Breakdownbill

If you move out you know what can happen. So you have to be prepared for the worse.

This is not the time to be basing any further life altering events on some hopes and maybe's

[breakdownbill]

I know you are right in terms of protecting my best interests with the kids Cutter.

Something needs to change though because I don't want this at all. Maybe just getting out of the house for a couple of nights will be enough for now.

I think i'll try and get some things speeded up in terms of valuations of the house and W trying to see if she can take on the mortgage, as I need these done before I go back to my lawyer ideally.

There is no reason to pause or delay this.

[breakdownbill]

I haven't updated this thread for nearly a week & I will have to start a new one pretty soon.

Over the weekend my W and I had another talk as there was an atmosphere in the house and we weren't really talking about anything since the weekend before.

We cleared the air over a few things and were just honest with each other about a lot of stuff.

We talked about Christmas, money, the children and living arrangements & it was really ammicable and nice, we were listening to each other and we are actually on the same page with this.

My W is happy with what I'm proposing in terms of living arrangements with the children & buying me out of the house so I can put a deposit down on a new place next year. I've agreed to show my W all of the paperwork prior to submitting anything so everything is transparent and matches up with what we have verbally agreed and in return my W has stated that she will not get legal representation as we are being so open about this and we agree on the terms anyway.

I have decided to move out of the family home probably next week when the children are off school for half term, this is so that they can have plenty of time to ask questions and react to the news in their own way without having to go back into school the next day (and there is a gap before christmas then as well).

I'm going to move back in with my parents whilst I'm still at UNI doing my teacher training and the children will be staying with me 3 nights a week at my parents place (we've even agreed on a rota - which we can be flexible on).

I know things can change and all the legal advice says to stay in the home, but it's not benefitting anyone by me staying there.

I will still see my kids a significant ammount of time every week & there will be no case for abandonment. When it comes to the kids I really do trust my wife because she wants what is best for them just like me.

We've agreed to split the kids christmas gifts 50 / 50 I've bought my son's presents & my wife will buy my daughter's presents - they will be off santa (both of us).

Before anyone bashes me for not listening to legal advice, I have looked into it & this is a risk I'm willing to take, because I honestly believe that my W will do what's right by the kids. Despite everything that has happened, we've always been tight when it comes to the kids.

We both couldn't take much more of the situation at home & we really do need our own space now.

I'm happy that we can be really ammicable about all of this & being friends is what is best for the kids right now.

I think I've really come to terms with my feelings about all of this over the last few days. I don't want to fight with my W anymore and I don't want her to feel guilty about what is happening. The way I see it now is that we both could have handled this differently and I am just accepting of what is & see no reason or benefit for holding any grudges.

I'm at peace with it now & feel like I can be that strong person that my kids can lean on to get get through this.


Bill

[chatterbug]

Fair enough Bill. Handle it with grace. Talk to you over at MW as well. Make sure all these items you decide on are written out. Signed. Witnessed. Copy for you and wife and witness. And have a lawyer go over it.

It is peaceful now between the two of you. But that can change so why not protect both your interests. Since your mediating your divorce together.

[breakdownbill]

I think that's been the biggest change for me, finally realising that it is actually over between the two of us. I totally get why our M broke down and I more than played my part in it all. I grieved for a long time while trying to save this M and really hated what my W did to me with the OM, but I understand why she did now & that makes it easier for me rationalise this past year.

I'm not feeling bitter and I do still really care for my W and just want her to be happy now. We are a good team when we put our minds and focus together & I really think that our children will feel the benefit of us splitting on good terms & remaining friends.

I will make sure that the communication is good between my wife and I through all of this so that the paperwork is consistent with what we agree on & things stay peaceful.

This makes life easier for everyone, especially the children.

Thanks for being supportive and understanding Cutter, you are a good friend & your advice has helped me get through some tough times.

Soon enough I'll get through the other side of this & will really start to build a new career and a new life, opportunity is out there just waiting for me.

I really am in the best place (emotionally) that I have been in since I started this.

Bill

[chatterbug]

One of the benefits of being the Vow keeping spouse is that you get to mourn the loss of the marriage in a healthy manor. You get to experience all this grief and loss. Then when you end it. You are helping yourself with the reality and acceptance stages. They picked sex with another person over personal growth. Right now you may still think [censored] to be you. But truly it is the other way around.

You never have to say the words. "My marriage ended because I am a cheater."
You are blessed with saying.
"My marriage ended. I was cheated on. So I made it into something positive. I worked on myself and became a better man."

The cheating spouse does not get to go through this until years later. And if they never do then it truly is a good thing they are out of your life.