Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[breakdownbill]

Ok there's been some developments this weekend, which have helped me confirm that I am doing the right thing by filing for divorce.

This weekend my W was going out dancing on Saturday and then out to town afterwards with her friends (exactly what she said).

My W comes home at nearly 5am and stays downstairs not coming to bed. I wake up at about 8am and my W is wide awake and didn't even look like she'd had a drink. I asked her if her bf went out and she said no and wouldn't look me in the eye.

So I'm convinced that i'm not being told the truth because when she has been to town and comes back at that time she is completely wasted and a mess the next day.

I go to the atm to get money out and my print out showed that my w had only taken out a 20, so the sums were'nt adding up.

There was an elephant in the room and I said to her, 'we both know that you didn't go to town last night, so who where you with last night'? My W lied at first and then admitted she'd been with the OM at his place.

We had a bizzare R talk, mostly me saying that she was selfish and that she would regret these choices she was making and that we could have tried to work things out.

I said to her that the way she has treated me over the past year has been a form of cruelty and that if she had any respect for me, herself and her family she would wait until we had gone our separate ways.

I have no desire to be with this person as my W anymore. I want to remember the good times that we had as a couple and as a family, but this is no way to live.

I am standing by my decision to file, I know it was the right call for me and I could never trust this person again now.

Oh and not that age should matter I found out that the OM is actually 52 - 20 years older than her. Some life choices are just messed up, I'm not looking back and I am rolling on with plan D.

Bill

[chatterbug]

Hi Bill. Sorry you had to go through that. Yea its messed up. But keep on the high road , a quiet dignified and respectful path. It is a strong silence that you are showing. It will help with down the road. Did you get a chance to read that article I posted for you on the previous page? Chin up my friend. Enjoy your next run. You can pound out the disappointment on the pavement.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks for that cutter.

Yeah I read that article and I got a lot out of it. Some really good points made by people commenting on quotes from al turtles article.

Yep, I was the avoider, my W was the clinger, our roles reversed and now she has clung on to this OM.

I felt better spending time with one of my friends last night, felt a bit low today, but need to get my head together for my course.

I think we are going to have to separate very soon and as a short term solution, i'm going to suggest that we split staying in this house with the kids. My W will stay here for 4 nights, I will stay here for 3.

I think for the short term that would work financially, plus the kids get to stay in their own house all the time.

What do you think about that separation proposal?

Bill

[bustingout]

Hi BB, I am sorry about the developments, but you are strong and dignified and have held yourself in respect. :-)

[chatterbug]

well would that not require 2 rentals on top of the house ? Personally I would not leave the home. She may offer to move out. She may not. If you do end up doing the 4 -3. Make it a 4 -3 - 3 -4
50% Keep it fair as possible so there is no view of alienation from either of you. You will also have to work out a budget to pay for the main home , bills and , child support. And please post your thoughts there on that subject. I respect your thoughts. I know of a few others who could use your advice and perspective. Your a good man Bill. You may have to brain storm with you wife on how to transition to this new phase but it will set up the foundations for co-parenting without any nastiness or any other motives. As always be civil , calm and collect. And wait another day before talking about it to make sure the shock of the weekend has lessened a little more.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Busting

I know we are all going through our own troubles, but it's still nice to hear these things.

Thank you for the pick me up

Bill

[Denver_2010]

You handled it well Bill. I know that was painful even though you have decided that you are done.

Some choices and actions will just never be completely understood.

[bustingout]

(((( BB))))

[breakdownbill]

I'm sorry I wasn't very clear on my post before about how this proposal would work.

This would be a separation that wouldn't involve taking out any extra rentals straight away & would be an affordable option for both of us.

The nights when we are away from the children could be spent at either our parents house or a friends (in all honesty probably the OM's house for my W most of the time).

We wouldn't have to pay that much if anything to stay at some of these places for the nights that we aren't there and it would do the exact same thing as when I get my own place.

As I said this would only be temporary and we could trial it out for a fortnight or a month to see if it worked out.

This way I'm not worried about space in terms of where will my children sleep when I'm with them.

This would allow us to both the flexibility to clear some immediate credit card debts & improve our credit scoring, which we'll need for the mortgages / re-mortgage.

I'm actually OK with the 4 / 3 split, because I'll make up for it during the school holidays as I'll be off when they are off & will see a lot more of them during the holidays than my W.

I think the biggest thing I've learnt from this experience that I can share, is that fear stops you from taking action and control of your life.

Once you realise that you are enabling your WAS and that they have no respect for you and you don't trust them, this is when you start asking yourself the questions that matter.

Things like... Why am I letting myself be treated like this?
Would I let my son go through what I'm going through? and the real gem... Who is the only person who can pull me out of this abuse? YOU

If you have kids I think it makes things more complicated, I wouldn't say harder, because it hurts so much to see someone you love so much turn into this person.

You have to be brave and pull yourself out of the ring when you've taken enough punches.

There are so many beautiful, caring and funny people out there and all the work that you've been doing on yourself is going to make your future relationships even better.

Believe in yourself, believe in change and if you are meant to get back with your WAS it will happen.

Thanks Cutter, I'll get off my soapbox now I've motivated myself LOL

** let us know what you think about that proposal (now I've given you some more details)- temp living arrangements **

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Denver

I know you've lived through that hell a lot longer than I did & through your determination and staying power you are still in your M.

I just had to draw line, because I couldn't live like this anymore.

I think you just know when you are ready to move on, you have to get real detachment first.

Her choices will come back to haunt my W, her choices, her life, her bed etc etc...

Although it's been a crappy couple of days I'm strong enough to get through this.