had a very productive day today. mom and i put all of my clothes away and hung pictures. we then met dad and my cousins who are visiting from ontario for breakfast. then mom and i bought groceries. dad and my cousin's boyfriend put my bed together, and it is absolutely beautiful! i'm lying in it right now with my new duvet cover (no duvet, just to cover. it's super hot right now!).
i feel pretty good today. was supposed to go to a movie with a friend tonight, but he's feeling really sick, so we're going on monday. should be fun!
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
Sorry you had a rough night the other night. I know what you mean about wanting your old H back and being able to cry in his arms. I was upset last night and I hid it from my H because I didn't know how he would react. He's always been a little unsure of how to handle that. My dogs are good about coming to me if I am upset.
It looks like yesterday was a good day, though. And it sounds like your new position is good as well. I guess the ups and downs will continue for a while. You sound like you are having more ups than downs, and hopefully that will continue.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
i'm definitely having more ups that downs. i'm having a lot of dreams about h, though. today i noticed that he charged my credit card on itunes, and i wrote him an email about not using it again. he said he thought it was his own card and that it wouldn't happen again. i responded that i cut up my copy of his card, and if he wanted to remove my name as an approved user, to call them up and let them know as the account is in his name only. it was a fairly positive communication. i tried to remain positive, but detached. not sure how successful i was.
i've had a lot of dreams about reconciling with h. i then wake up sad. i miss him, but i don't really feel like r is in the cards. i know he if were to come back to me, i'd be tempted, but i can't let myself get back into that situation again. any change he may have made wouldn't be permanent, and neither would any of my changes. neither of us are ready for this.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
made a big pot of bolognese sauce today. i froze 2/3 of it and ate some for supper tonight and have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. i tend to make enough for 4 people, so i plan on freezing individual portions for lunches and quick suppers. i hope to have a nice variety, so i won't get sick of one particular dish. i also had a flat tire today and called roadside assistance to put the dummy tire on, but i decided that it didn't look too complicated, so i want to learn how to change a tire on my own. another gal activity.
i feel like i'm getting a part of myself back. i love to cook, but i hated my old kitchen. i avoided and hated cooking in that kitchen. i just felt wrong. and then i stayed with mom and dad, and while they have a lovely kitchen and home and i was very comfortable there, it's not the same as having your own kitchen. i love my new kitchen. i don't even mind cleaning it, lol!
i'm beginning to realize how depressed i really was over the past 2-3 years. even before h had his a, i was depressed. i would come home from work exhausted and overwhelmed. i still find work tiring and stressful at times, but it's not like i'm breaking rocks in the hot sun! i was absolutely spent when i got home, and the thought of cooking or cleaning was about as appealing as dental work with a rusty pair of pliers. but now that i'm away from it all, i realize how bad things were. maybe if i recognized it sooner and did something about it, i could have changed our current situation. maybe, maybe not. i'll never know, so i won't obsess about it. but i won't ever let myself get into that place again without asking for help.
while i still have days where i have intense pain and longing for h, i am recognizing more and more of myself coming back. i took pieces of myself and put them away and buried them deep within. this was the first stage of not loving and honouring myself. now that i'm caring for myself, i am digging those parts of myself out, dusting them off and seeing if i want them to stay or if i want to leave them behind.
i found an old journal from 2010. i've started writing in it again, which i find very cathartic. it's like writing here, but i have a tangible item that has all of my hopes, fears, dreams and pain, spilling out of the pages. it helps me get all of those things out of my head and onto the page. once i feel i've written it, i can let a lot of it go, especially the fear and pain.
i know i'll be ok. with or without h, i'll be more than ok. i'll be great!
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
took yesterday off. i was just exhausted and had a bad headache. i'm feeling much better now. it's been really hot here lately, and i haven't been sleeping well. it rained a lot yesterday, which really helped with the humidity, but it's still pretty warm. can't wait for it to cool down. i'm definitely an autumn person.
i have my first belly-dancing class tonight. as well, my condo FINALLY closed yesterday! i'm a home-owner! woot woot! good things are happening!
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
phew! had a few busy days! work is going well. i also really enjoyed the belly-dancing class! when i first got there, it was only thin, pretty girls with dance training. i felt like leaving. then i said, "screw it! i want to do this and i'm staying!" and i'm really glad that i did! it was a lot of fun! hard, but fun! i found it difficult to isolate certain muscles, but it wasn't too hard to follow along. i really think that this will be good for me.
i was talking to a woman at work who has also recently separated from her husband. her's is a trickier situation because they have kids and have been together for 25 years. she said ilybnilwy about their relationship, and she said that for a long time she hid who she was and didn't do things she wanted to do and that she now has an immense feeling of freedom. she said she is much happier now. i hope that h is happier, too. i am happier at the moment. i didn't think i was unhappy in our relationship, but it was definitely broken. whether we can fix it or not remains to be seen, but it would have to be a whole new relationship if we were to r. i don't think we will, though. i have a feeling that h has too much pride, even if he is miserable, to admit that he made a mistake and ask to come back. and i won't ask, either. has nothing to do with pride, but i don't want him back if it will be more of the same.
right now i'm just focusing on myself and what i want and need. for so long, i was consumed with what he wanted and needed that i neglected my own desires. never again. if i meet another man, it would have to be as full equals. i can't fix anyone or take care of them like i did with h. can't. won't. doesn't really matter which word i use. even if i could do it, i just won't do it any more. i won't sacrifice myself for anyone else ever again. maybe that makes me selfish. i think i've earned the right for a little selfishness at the moment.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
had a really good weekend. got a rug for the living room and hung out with friends and family. on saturday, i did something i've wanted to do for a long time. i pierced my nose! i'm really glad i did! it hurt a bit (not too bad, but definitely not something i'd like to experience on a regular basis), but it looks really awesome! i'm very happy with the results. it's accepted in my workplace, even though my industry is considered conservative by most (insurance/financial services). i also bought some beautiful art work for my new condo online, and a diamond nose stud for when it heals. i got a bunch of new gift cards from work for a contest, so i didn't pay for any of it out of pocket. it was nice to treat myself. i felt like it was a bit over due. the piercing and coming nose jewellery makes me feeling beautiful. even my dad, who hates piercings (used to have my eyebrow done and he HATED it), said it looked cute.
i also bought myself a lovely bouquet of flowers when i got groceries. i decided that i feel better when i am surrounded by beautiful things. i hated my last home so, so much that it is nice to have a safe haven to come home to and to decorate it as i see fit. i haven't bought flowers for a very long time. h used to very rarely buy them for me, even though he knew how much i loved them. i used to occasionally buy them for myself. it feels very indulgent, even if it's a $10 bouquet from the supermarket. it's money spent solely on having something beautiful to look at. i remember reading up on the history of buddhism, and how he was raised as a prince and never exposed to death as even all of the flowers in the palace were replaced whenever they started to wilt. i don't know why that makes me think of this, but it is nice to have beauty in my life. i don't know, it just makes me feel more feminine. it makes my condo feel more like a home.
it's funny. when i lived in our last apartment, it never felt like my home. it was mil's home, and she never let us forget it. but i've been in my new condo for just over a month, and already it feels like home. it's beautiful because it's mine.
i'm also planning on a vegas vacation with a friend in march. she dog-sat for me when i was down south, and she's a great friend. there's a good deal on hotels and airfare, so i'm looking into going. we also both want to see a bunch of shows and have a good time. definitely considering it. vegas is on my bucket list.
i occasionally have a rough moment here and there. i went to dinner with my family on saturday night, and i joked that it sucked being separated because i was automatically a designated driver and couldn't have any wine. it just hits me now and then. but the other day, i was thinking about it, and realized that while this isn't the life i would have originally picked for myself, i am much happier now. i am discovering myself and realizing that i like this person. i like myself. i haven't been able to say that for a very long time. i'm not all the way to loving myself, but i do like myself. and that's just the first step.
i read a book the other day in my parents' bathroom from my aunt who is a minister. now, let me say that i am an atheist, but i am very respectful of others' beliefs. anyway, i was just reading through it, and there was a quote that we can't go back and change the beginning, but we can always change our ending. it really stuck with me. i can't change my childhood abuse or my mistakes with my m, but i can change my outcome. i can choose to live my life in a way that makes me happy and fulfilled and with joy. it is a choice. i didn't choose for h to have an a, but i am choosing how i deal with it.
it's like the expression "the best revenge is a life well-lived". well, i don't need revenge, but it is the best way for me to move on, to live well. that's what i'm trying to do right now. i'm doing what i need to be happy. i'm even allowing myself to be a little selfish at the moment by putting my needs first. well, bea's needs come in, as well, but other than bea, i won't take care of anyone else if it compromises my own wants and needs. nope. i can honestly say that i've learned my lesson in that department.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
got my coffee table and put it together by myself. it looks great. bea also spent the day in her room and didn't poop or pee! she has never done that before, so i guess it's a sign that she's settling in? she's also not as sooky when i put her in the room. i just call her in, she comes in, gets a treat and lies down. phew. hoping that she's adjusted accordingly.
just called my mom who is taking bea for the evening while i have my belly-dancing class, and apparently she didn't pee or poop today, either! yay! so happy about this turn of events!
looking forward to the belly-dancing class. i had people over last night, and it was nice to be able to entertain. they all said they thought my home was beautiful. it feels kind of grown up, but there is still a lot of my personality shining through (i have two solar-powered waving queen elizabeths, one in the yellow dress she wore to will and kate's wedding, one in a pink dress). i'm having a lot of fun with my home.
doing well. h sent me an email lest night that kind of stopped me in my tracks. apparently i have a letter from a medical referral and i forgot to update my contact information with them. it's a referral for my ptsd. anyway, he said he had other junk mail for me and he could forward it to me if he wants. i told him to mark it return to sender if it was junk and said thanks for letting me know about the referral letter. i tried not to sound cold, but also don't want to sound super happy, because it would seem desperate to turn any communication into a positive one. it did throw me off, though. i almost get the feeling h is itching to know how i'm doing. he could have just sent the letter through the mail, as he knows the new mailing address.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
had a GREAT time at belly dancing last night. as i was doing it, was i really looking at my body. at first, i was uncomfortable with it, but as i kept doing it, i realized that i was starting to look at myself with kindness and love. it almost caught me off guard, as i wasn't expecting it, but i felt very sexy and feminine, things which do NOT come easily to me. it was a really fun class. i wasn't feeling too hot before hand (stomach is a bit flip-floppy lately, which usually happens to me in the spring and fall), but i'm so glad i went. it was a nice, gentle workout. i was definitely sweating towards the end, but i'm not too sore today, but i can definitely feel it in my muscles.
it's funny. whenever i try something (like when i first started therapy for my ptsd) that i know logically should make me feel better, i am always skeptical that it will actually work. i think, "yeah, yeah, yeah. i'll just do it to prove you wrong", but it usually works and i am amazed! like the belly dancing, i read that it's really good to help you connect with your body and start to love your body and accept it as it is. and it is true. i feel great! i know that i'm not 100% satisfied with my body (i need to lose weight), but that doesnt' mean i can't love my body for how it looks at the moment and throughout the journey of weight loss. i felt beautiful last night. not as much this morning as i'm getting dressed for work (hahaha, i need some new work pants!), but i don't feel the hatred for my stomach i had before.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
had a great evening at work, got quite a lot of work completed. i went to mom's, picked up bea and then went home and had an early night. the weather is pretty grey and rainy, but that is pretty normal in this part of the world right now. it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow, and it's a long weekend. i'm cooking thanksgiving dinner on sunday for my family and really looking forward to having people in and entertaining. my dad is picking up the turkey from a local farm tomorrow. very excited!
i always enjoy thanksgiving. i was going to host christmas dinner, but my dad really loves to cook it, so i took over thanksgiving. hopefully it will be a new tradition! and it's easier than hosting on christmas day, i have to admit. i decided to do it sunday as opposed to monday. i'll use monday to veg and relax and make a pot of soup from the turkey carcass. yum. that's my favourite part of the whole turkey! hahaha. i'm going shopping saturday (i REALLY need some new work clothes, and have $400 in gift cards from work), hosting dinner on sunday and relaxing on monday. wish every weekend was this fun!
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
