Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[breakdownbill]

OK I need to update how my D talk went last night.

Here's a rough play by play from how it went... (I'm referred to as B and my wife is W)

B: I've been thinking about how to tell you this and just wanted to be honest and open with you.

W: OK?

B: After we last talked about our R when you asked for a trial separation, it changed everything for me. I've been to see a solicitor and I am about to file for divorce.

W: OK, that's fine

B: Oh, OK well...

W: Did you not expect me to react like that?

B: To be honest I really didn't know how you would react, but if you are OK with it, this will make things a lot easier.

W: I can uderstand why you want to. What grounds are you going to file under?

B: I was going to file under the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

W: So you are going to say that this was all my fault and that I was the only one who broke this marriage down.

B: I know exactly what are joint failings have been in this marriage, but this is just a process and some grounds have to be put down and to be fair a marriage has problems, but a marriage is between 2 people not 3. So yes your behaviour is unreasonable.

W: That record will say that it is my fault.

B: The record is not important, as I said it is just a process. The important things we need to talk about are the children and the house.

W: They are the most important things. What do you want?

B: Ideally I would like shared residency of the children. We can do it so you have the children 4 nights a week and I would have them 3 nights a week, splitting the weekends.

W: OK, would you let me phone them every night (crying)

B: Of course I would let them call you every night when they are with me. I would want them to do that at either house.

W: What about the house?

B: OK, do you want to stay in the house?

W: Yes, I would like to stay in the house, so the children aren't messed around.

B: I think that would be good for the children if they didn't have to leave this home. There are a few ways we can do this.

W: How do you mean?

B: I would want my name taken off the mortgage and bought out with a share of the equity so I could put a deposit down on a house.

W: The bank might not agree to that.

B: I think if you speak to your parents / brother and the bank, you should be able to sort something out with maybe someone being a guarantor.

W: OK

The rest of the conversation was just a kind of understanding for each other about what we had been through together & sorry Cutter we did hug (((hugs))) , but I think it was appropriate because we are going to work together sorting this out and we both still care for each other very much.

I told my W that I would get all of the paperwork in order & show her what I was going to request in terms of settlement & residency for the children before I filed so that this process is not slowed down.

We pretty much agreed on what we are going to do last night & we are going to get the house valued & my W is going to speak to her family & the bank over the next 2 weeks.

Let me cath my breath......

I didn't threaten my W with divorce because I wanted her to change her mind. I genuinely am done and I just have this overwhelming sense of relief right now.

If you think I handled that conversation badly (It is what it is - no bitterness intended), then it wouldn't have been me saying what I said.

I feel like I have been open and fair to my W, as I could have just filed and passed her the papers over breakfast. I didn't want to do that, I'm better than that and she doesn't deserve that.

We all make our own choices in life and we have to stand by them.

I can reflect on my sitch properly now and I will know how to not make the same mistakes again.

My kids will be my priority through all of this, they come first, now and always.

This isn't another divorce busted, but it is another journey that I couldn't have navigated without some great help from some wonderful people on here.

Chatterbug, Denver, Bond, Adinva, Yankee Candle and Arsene, you guys have been my regular counsel and I really appreciate the help and advice you have all given me on here.

I'm not going to disappear from these boards, I like it here and enjoy our conversations.

Right I'd better get back to my Sunday, appologies for the long post.

Bill

[Arsene]

My friend,

I am sorry to hear this but on the other hand I'm glad that you seem ok with all of it. I know what you have been going through as I am still going through it myself and I know the pain and frustration you have been feeling. If this comes a relief, and you feel good about it, then it was the right, the only decision for you. My thoughts are with you as you go through this process and I hope to hear more from you again on this site. I have appreciated your openness, your friendship and your wisdom over the last few months.

Take care.

[chatterbug]

Yea we need to have a pint.

[chatterbug]

The Doves: Sky starts falling

Who am I supposed to be?
I can't be sure that the next one will see me

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

If you see her again, be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Could you seem above it all
Be sure to send my love

Wake up, waking up to see
It's a sign
That what will be will be

And if the sky starts falling on the street outside
The only thing that satisfies
If the sky starts falling on the heads outside
The only thing that keeps me alive

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

If you see her again, be sure to say hello
Be sure to send my love
Did she seem like before
Can't you see above it all
Be sure to send my love

I swear I heard her call, call my name
I swear I heard her call, can I move on

Did she call herself a friend?
Don't call on me again, don't call on me again
Did she seem like before
Did she seem above it all
Be sure to send my love The Doves: Sky starts falling

[chatterbug]

Bill I had to go back read when I did this.

Here ya go .... this is what I wrote.

Well I am back. That was absolulty surreal. I so i could get there early. On the way. Get a text message saying that she is going to be 20 minutes late... Printer issue with an apology. So i reply back to text me when she is close and a thankyou. So I go grocery shopping.

Get in the restaunt and order a tea and two cups. And await ladybug. When she gets in I smile and say hi ladybug. The Tea is good and its cold. So enjoy a hot cup of tea.
She looked at me and I just smiled and acted very open.

And she sat down and over the next 100 minutes we laughed , looked at each other, smiled and I am completely confused.

That was my wife there. She asked about my running. We talked about family. She told me about apartment and common friends. She talked about stores I would like to visit.

She asked about runnning in a running race with me and our up comming wedding in march. I said yes.

Such a bizzare evening. I thought it was the perfect dB date.


Just a night where you look across and see your wife but you just keep that to your self.

Damn she looked sexy. And when I left I got in my car and drove anay and I cried.

Why did she have to be so nice? F#()k that hurt. I saw my wife and I missed her. I am now compeltly confused.

I did a perfect DB date.....I am guessing she is a perfect WAS.

So different from the last two meetings. But I was so different to.

Damn. It was so hard. We signed the papers and I got everything I wanted.

I am so confused.


....




I am glad we did not mention the OM. As truthfully it would have derailed the signing of those papers. I walked away with everything I asked for.

I remember when we signed them. I sat there for a few minutes and just talked about tea's and how was the meal and then mentioned that I drank way too much tea and I excused myself to the washroom. I was losing the mask. Becoming emotional. So I got up walked to the bathroom and I stood there facing the mirror and I just smiled. I said. to myself. Well cutter. A goal was met. A very important goal. remember that. remember that the woman in front of you is a shell. It looks like ladybug, sounds like ladybug. But it is not ladybug. This is a woman who has no respect for you nor your marriage. This is a woman who tossed you out of her life without any concern for how this affects your well being. This is a woman who did not care at all how this affects everyone else who is attached to us. This is a woman who broke my dad's heart and did not even have the common decency to say good bye. This is a woman who is sleeping with another man. The reason she is happy today is because her affair is in a better place in her mind than it was on Sunday. Believe this.
And I breathed deeply over and over. I smiled at myself and walked back to the table and then ladybug picked up the tab and we walked to our cars. And that is when the emotions all came out. I drove away crying and did not look in the rear-view mirror. I looked forward.

I am glad now that we kept it to safe topics.

I have thought about all this again. Now I am separated. Which where I live is the same as D.

I weighted the following items this weekend.

I am proud of how I acted. I kept my vows and morals to the end. I did not stoop to ladybugs level.
I remained civil and nice and showed grace.
I stated my goals clearly to ladybug many months ago. It is not my issue that she did not listen.
I secured myself financially against ladybug.
I came out of a depression with goals to achieve in the second half of my life.

VS.

A woman who has no respect for my wellbeing.
A woman who has no respect for vows and morals.
A woman who has no respect for families and children.
A woman who has decided to become what she is today, someone who values crumbs over substance.
A woman who abandoned me so easy during my first crisis I ever experienced in my life.


And I thought.

Here is a woman I can walk away from now. I sat there Friday night and I realized that I still love this woman deeply. But it is a love of what was, not what is. If that makes sense? I have no bitterness. Just disappointment. And I tired to save the marriage. But I could not. But I realized ( via this site and my own thoughts )that it takes two people to make a marriage happen. And that is not happening. Nor do I see it happening.

My next goals are to sell the house. Figure out what I want to do the second half of my life. Right now its computers. I wish to change that. So I am going to move away from that.

I do not think I can stop with my giving attitude. So I think I am going to look towards moving in to some providing profession. I am truly at a crossroads in my life. Its exciting. I no longer fear this.

From all this. Look at what I have gained.

I gained the ability to understand about boundaries.
I gained the ability to understand about my needs and wants again.
I gained the ability to understand that I want to better myself instead of going with the flow.
I have met some of the most beautiful , strong , and real people. People who I have not met face to face, but I proudly call them my friends. People who I will meet one day down the road and I will be able to look them in the eye and smile and say what an honour it is to stand before you friend.
I gained the ability to cry

I share a unique hurt that only us who have been cheated on truly understand. I know as the years go by and someone says to me that they have been cheated on, I can look them in the eye and state. I understand.

And in a strange way. I thank Ladybug for waking me up.

This is where I am standing today.

[Arsene]

Wow. Good for you CB. You sound like you're doing fine. I pretty certain that the 2nd part of your life is going to be miles better than what you've had so far. You've got the right attitude for your sitch and you are inspiring in many ways.

Cheers mate.

[breakdownbill]

Hi Cutter

I could just go for that pint right now

I'm on my way to a new school for 2 weeks so I can't leave a decent reply right now, but wanted to say thanks for sharing with me that personal moment in your life.

I've noticed a change in my W since we had the D talk. She slept on the couch that night and last night had my Daughter slept in our bed.

I'll post more later

Bill

[AnotherStander]

Bill, sorry it's come to this but glad to hear you're in a good place mentally. It sounds like the conversation went as well as could possibly be expected and that you handled it with a lot of dignity. Congrats and best wishes in your new life moving forward!

[chatterbug]

Arsene. Life is amazing. You get knocked down. You get back up. Little dirt and grime is good for the soul. You put your head down and you work.

I will repeat this again.

Life is amazing.

I love my life now. Those posts were from almost 3 years ago.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Everyone

Cutter I feel like I could have written this bit...

I gained the ability to understand about boundaries.
I gained the ability to understand about my needs and wants again.
I gained the ability to understand that I want to better myself instead of going with the flow.

This is exactly how I feel I've gained from this experience.

I share a unique hurt that only us who have been cheated on truly understand. I know as the years go by and someone says to me that they have been cheated on, I can look them in the eye and state. I understand.

^^^Big time!! There's nothing quite like that kind of hurt and unless you've been through it, you don't understand what it feels like.

Now that I've had a couple of days since I've had the talk with (gonna use this for the 1st time) STBXW, I'm not as filled with regrets as I thought that I would be.

I just want to get this process over with & make the transition to be single again. I've started looking at properties and I've decided that once I get my 1st teaching job I'm going to buy a place close by that I'll call home for a few years.

I'm not going to be able to afford to buy (property) anything really nice right away, but whilst the children are at their primary (elementary) school being close is the most important thing.

I know that there are a few LBS's on here who have been or are in a similair position to me with their W being in an affair that they won't end. To me Arsene, your sitch is the most delicate of all I've read, because of contact with your daughter at stake in the country you are in, so don't think that this is aimed at you personally friend...

I made my decision when I realised that my W would not end her affair. After I was told about the affair I forgave her too easily, almost as if I was saying to her (do what you want - just don't leave me). When the affair continued and I didn't leave or file I just kept enabling her to treat me this way.

I've realised that if you don't enforce consequences for actions that hurt you, you will get hurt over and over again.

I struggled to enforce any kind of boundary about the OM, because by that time my W had lost all respect for me.

What I'm trying to say is that, you can make decisions about your own life. You have choices.

For the first time in 7 months I'm not on anybody else's timeline but my own. I chose not to stand for how I was being treated and I don't regret my decision.

I can look forward to 3 new lives on my own terms. My own family life, my own personal life and my professional life.

7 months ago I was not looking forward to anything, I was coasting through life and had very little self awareness.

I've found more than just myself again, he's (oh no speaking in the 3rd person again) much improved and he actually gets himself now (enough of that).

Cutter, if we ever do get a chance to have pints in the real world I'm buying!!

Bill