Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[newman7977]

Bill,

I read your sitch because this could be me down the road. Just like you I have my boundaries and will not be a part of M with a 3rd party.

You have a lot of good advice here on your sitch. Good luck with your talks with your W today. My support goes to you man. Chatter is right, give your kids extra love today.

Newman

[breakdownbill]

Lets hope this wakes her up Bill. There is a little girl watching. She needs to learn that this is not how you treat a husband and a family. Your boy needs to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

A big part of me is hoping that it does wake her up to what she is doing and what she is giving up.

How my W reacts won't affect my decision to file, but it may make me take pauses along the way if I see genuine change, commitment and absolutely NC with the OM.

She will know what she has to do if she wants to fight to stay in this M and this as you say doesn't need spelling out again to my W.

My kids are completely in the dark about all of this and when they are told what is happening I obviously won't tell them the truth (it'll do more harm than good for them).

I will make it crystal clear to them that what is happening is in no way, shape or form their fault and that we both love them very much.

When I talk to my wife this evening it will be the hardest conversation I've ever had, but it is the leap of faith that I know I must take to move forward with my life.

I'll do my best on the 4 C's and try not to cry.

Thanks Cutter I can get through this.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Newman

I have been so lucky with advice people have given me so far on my road.

I've read a bit of your sitch as well and what I can say to you is that the longer you leave the disrespected boundary without sufficient consequences for their actions, the longer you will be enabling them to continue to do so.

People can talk until they are blue in the face and still be ignored. An action needs a reaction, sometimes it's a noticeable change, sometimes the reaction is to disregard the action and carry on, but it is still a reaction.

My sitch has ended up the way it is partly because of the dynamic of our relationship. I backed down far to easily along the way on arguments, decisions etc. This led to a lack of respect for me from my W, a mistake that I will never make again with my W or any future R.

If you end up down the road where I am at, you will just know when you've had enough.

Good luck Newman

Bill

[chatterbug]

Your children will blame themselves. Do not tell any lies to your children. Do not cover for your wife either.

[breakdownbill]

Cutter I get what you are saying, but I really don't want them hating or blaming their mum for what is happening.

I'm not sure I agree with you about exposing them to what their mum has done.

The children are going to need both of us to get through this, I'm worried that this information would harm them emotionally and alienate them from their mum which is not what I want.

Why do you think it is important for them to know the truth about the affair?

Bill

[chatterbug]

I did not say expose.

I just said do not lie or cover for your wife.

There is a difference.

[afa75]

Breakdown,
As far as the kids go, keep them safe, and answer all questions as kid friendly as possible (their shoes), when / if they ask. There's boatloads of resources to make D as kid friendly as possible (take that with a grain of salt as it is unfortunately what it is). Later on life, if they ask you could then share more of the truth, if desired.

My kids are similar in age to yours, so I know how difficult it is. I'm earlier on in my sich than yours, so I do use them as motivation to hang on right now.
Again, best of luck!

[afa75]

One last thing, based me getting a sense for who you ate, I trust that you will put your kids first. Don't take anything I said in a negative way.

[breakdownbill]

I did not say expose.

I just said do not lie or cover for your wife.

There is a difference.

Thanks for clearing that up Chatter, I don't think my children will ask me anything like that. I agree about not covering or telling lies to protect my wife to other people.

I'm at UNI today in the library doing some work that's due tomorrow and I've been getting a few last minute nerves.

That's normal though right? I mean this is a big deal and it will change my sitch one way or the other.

I know I'm doing the right thing, I just need to feel the fear and do it anyway.

BTW if I came accross as defensive before I didn't mean to

Hope you are feeling better today & you got out for that walk.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Afa

I didn't take that as a negative friend. I have always put my kids first and that won't ever change, I'm just wired that way

Bill