Accepting reality, moving on with my life

[chatterbug]

I am sick my friend. I missed a concert last night and a run today. Going to just walk tomorrow and see how it goes with my new running shoes.

Enjoy the fresh air tomorrow.

Make sure you are feeling any bitterness when you talk tomorrow. If you are work through that.

[eyesopen]

Hey breakdown,

I haven't read your whole sitch but I have a idea for you. My w left about 6 weeks ago and I was wondering how I was going to keep my house, support her, and be able to GAL. I ended up turning my basement into a apartment and renting it out. I had always paid the bills for pretty much everything so I only needed to get enough to support the kids through the w. If your house is set up for it, it may be something to think about. I know my wife is a little upset that I get to stay in the house, especially because she isn't thrilled with the place she found. Oh well, we all have to sleep in the bed that we make, right. Good luck!

[breakdownbill]

That's not good, hope you get back to full health quickly.

I'll bet that you enjoy that walk tomorrow though.

Thanks for the advice at the end of that post. I'm not really feeling bitter towards my W. When I talk to her tomorrow night I'm going to be firm and not talk about the why's and what if's.

I think it's probably best if I just break the news to my W and let it sink in for a couple of days before I talk to her (business like about what we both want in terms of settlements and residency of the children).

This Sunday I'm taking the kids to see my mum, so it will give W a chance to seek some comfort and support from her parents.

I really don't want to hurt her regardless of what's happened, so I'll be supportive if she needs me & as understanding as I can be.

I really haven't got any desire to play any kind of blame game. We drifted apart because we didn't make our M a priority, I focused on my studies, my W found herself and stepped out of the M.

I'm not excusing anything I've done or what my W has done, it's already happened and we've both talked enough about these things.

I just want to tell her how it is and that I'm done & want out of the M, give her a few days to process it and then work through the split of assets and residency like rational adults before filing.

If we can agree on these things in the best interests of the children and work together, we can be divorced before next summer and I qualify for legal aid being a student so it won't cost a penny in legal fees.

I'm staying positive because that's how I feel. I'm looking forward to having my own place, my own freedom and quality time with my children.

I've got so much to look forward to it's silly.

1. My course is amazing - really loving it
2. Can't wait to qualify & become a teacher next year
3. Getting my own place
4. Travelling to some places I've always wanted to visit

Too many to mention, but my PMA is in a good place right now.

I'm ready for this and I'm going to be respectful and sensitive towards my W when we talk - no bitterness here.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hey Eyesopen

That's a pretty good idea and I'm jealous because it's not an option for me.

I don't want to stay in my house post D, if my W wants to stay here & take on the mortgage I'll be flexible & work something out with her.

At the moment house prices where I live have fallen so much that it's an attractive option for me to buy something that will do for the next 5 years & have low mortgage payments.

This way I can save some money and have more disposable income to do cool stuff with my kids & GAL myself.

My w left about 6 weeks ago...I know my wife is a little upset that I get to stay in the house, especially because she isn't thrilled with the place she found. Oh well, we all have to sleep in the bed that we make, right.

That is the way you have to look at it mate, she left the marital home by choice.

Thanks for the support & good luck with your sitch

Bill

[afa75]

Happy to know you're in a good place re: the sich, what you want, etc. Stay there.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Afa

I know it won't be a great conversation tomorrow night & it might even turn nasty, but I'm ready for it.

If I'm still in that good place I'll be happy.

Bill

[chatterbug]

bill it will not turn nasty if you are controlled and say your say.

I would also state that you have looked into the parenting plan and the division of assets and debts.

All at once. Have a pad of paper infront of you and cross each item off the list as you talk.

Tell her she can talk when done.

She may say. "Doing this pushes me to OM."

Reply "That is your choice. I have decided that is not a marriage I want to be a part of."

"You are trying to control me with divorce."

" I have decided that this is not a marriage I want to be a part of. It is your choice to commit adultery."

"You will leave the house now." or " I am leaving and taking the children."

"You are free to leave. I will remain here with the children."

You get the picture.....

If she asks "What will it take to repair this and work on the marriage."

I would say. I will think about it and then carry on with the D process.

If she wants to come back and work on it. She will figure the first thing she needs to do is no longer come in contact with OM.

[Denver_2010]

bill it will not turn nasty if you are controlled and say your say.

I would also state that you have looked into the parenting plan and the division of assets and debts.

All at once. Have a pad of paper infront of you and cross each item off the list as you talk.

Tell her she can talk when done.

She may say. "Doing this pushes me to OM."

Reply "That is your choice. I have decided that is not a marriage I want to be a part of."

"You are trying to control me with divorce."

" I have decided that this is not a marriage I want to be a part of. It is your choice to commit adultery."

"You will leave the house now." or " I am leaving and taking the children."

"You are free to leave. I will remain here with the children."

You get the picture.....

If she asks "What will it take to repair this and work on the marriage."

I would say. I will think about it and then carry on with the D process.

If she wants to come back and work on it. She will figure the first thing she needs to do is no longer come in contact with OM.

Man... when it gets to this point, there is no doubt that I agree with Chatter's approach.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Chatter

This is exactly the type of advice I've been looking for.

I would also state that you have looked into the parenting plan and the division of assets and debts.

All at once. Have a pad of paper infront of you and cross each item off the list as you talk.

Tell her she can talk when done.

You know what I agree with you on this, letting her know I have done my homework in terms of all of the above in bold will show that I am serious and gives my W most of the information at once.

She may say. "Doing this pushes me to OM."

Reply "That is your choice. I have decided that is not a marriage I want to be a part of."

W "You are trying to control me with divorce."

B " I have decided that this is not a marriage I want to be a part of. It is your choice to commit adultery."

W "You will leave the house now." or " I am leaving and taking the children."

B "You are free to leave. I will remain here with the children."

These are good comeback lines that are simply stating why I can't stay in the M. They are firm and to the point.

Yeah I'm gonna do it this way.

Bill

[chatterbug]

Lets hope this wakes her up Bill. There is a little girl watching. She needs to learn that this is not how you treat a husband and a family. Your boy needs to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Give your kids extra love today.

She may just say yes and stay quiet as well.


One word of advice.

No hugs.No going all melty man. You are going to be beat up inside. But this is that one moment where you really need to be leading your marriage and family.

Clear. Cool, calm and Collect.

The 4 C's of communication.