He had promised no more contact. He said he did NC for awhile then when he saw her they started talking. Thinks there is nothing wrong with that.
Nowhere have I read or heard where "just friends" with the OP is "okay" after the end of A. Nowhere.
It is very common, almost guaranteed, for one or the other affair partner to try and contact the other after NC. I know a couple of my W's OMs are still trying to pull her back in...
You did what you needed to do and I support you. Very telling H's responses were. I reckon he may not like the bed he made by starting contact again...
Stay strong!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Just found (without snooping) hotel soap and shampoo in his cars cupholder. We had to switch cars for him to use our van. H will probably have an excuse for that. I don't believe he just has a friendship with OW anyhow. I think I know what I want to do. For sure a separation. Called an attorney who was very helpful over the phone.
Had a couple talks with h about my leaning toward separation. Thats what I have decided yet I'm scared he won't go. h wanted to give it til the end of the week. In talking with him he says he is messed up but no apology for talking to ow. Said I was wrong to snoop and then said it was wrong for him to talk to her. I think it's more than talking.No remorse that I can see. Doesn't seem upset that I want to separate. He talked about the cost. But I don't want to be in the same bed now.
I'm scared. Why the hell am I scared? I told my girls because they know about the A. They will be fine. talked about marriage problems and H isn't going to budge on changing how he lives sort of independant of us.
Last night I told my h I wanted a separation. I can't live with the lies. He told me the ow has a boyfriend, that he only made a few calls. I told him there were several. Then he said "Well she might lose her job and I had to help her figure out something." No apologies,just excuses. I said to h that I believe nothing he says.
I told him I didn't want to sleep with him and he could sleep somewhere else or I would. Wanted me to at least sleep in the same room cuz it's a big bed. at first I said okay but I feel like h is always manipulating and talking me into things so I just slept with my daughter in her room.
I told him I can't eat. I'm a mess. He said "well, I'm going through a bad time too. This is hard for me too. I hate my life and my job" H also said so you're going to treat me like your ex? who wanted back into the marriage after an affair and was still telling lies about going to school. H likes to put guilt trips on people. But yeah, I guess something has snapped in me. Right now I don't want him. Don't want to live with him. Thinkin I want out. Afraid he's going to guilt me into staying.
H said he Might go talk to priest. He thinks he can be more polite which was big problem and he argued that he shouldn't have to say please and thankyou for things that had to be done like telling me I must get the mail out because he was late with bills. Or telling me I can make the decisions when I have a real job and pay the bills. Got told it bugged him that I laugh at my own jokes. leaving the house and not telling anyone.
H asked me if he had to give up some of the things he liked because I told him he was too busy. I told him he doesn't have to give up anything. I'm just not on top of the list. Haven't felt that way for a very long time. Now I am venting here and you are hearing my side. I started arguements, i tried to get my way I could be a real pistol. Hot headed (both of us). I made him feel unappreciated. We both did that. H did say what can I do and i said as far as trust? I told him I don't know. I guess I don't feel like trying right now (I didn't tell him that).
Our families also noted tension between us. I complained to my mother in law sometimes. H says alot. I did complain to people alot about him. Friends, family. I've been unhappy for a long time. Maybe him too. there is alot of competition between us. Challenging each other on what each other says alot. very contentious relationship. H wanted to know where he would go if we separated. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks will change by waiting a few days. I feel alot of guilt and sadness. Just in a very bad place now.
H texted me alot today. Talks about how stressed he is. Isn't that telling that he keeps the focus on himself like that? If I got caught contacting my op I would be sorry and begging for forgiveness not talking about how hard it is for me. What does anyone make of that?
If your H is in MLC get used to it. It's all about them.
That's why we tell you to take care of yourself and put your focus on where it will do the most good and that's you.
It sounds like you've identified some areas that you could work on in yourself. These things that may need changing are for you. Do not do them to try and save the M but because it's something you want for yourself. That way the changes stick.
It will be beneficial to be the best you whether your marriage is saved or not.
