Ultramarathon finish line or hallucinations?

[jbnati]

JS, I always appreciate you stopping in and appreciate your wisdom.

JB, it isn’t over until it’s over even when we think it is and they have said so.

You're right, and I try to keep that perspective.

She has to decide to stop dancing. I think you have shown her many times she safely can.

Hmmm...you're probably right on that one...I think she may have pushed me to the point where I'm no longer willing to play by her agenda.

I think your W and mine must somehow be related. My W has already sold the car she was driving and bought a new one. Now she has a contingency offer in on the house. I not planning on doing petty things to keep her from moving forward on it. But I'm not going to drop everything either to help her out.

[jbnati]

I've had a few developments over the last week. The most significant one occurred today.

I finally received the draft settlement agreement from my L. My L indicated this is a proposal and she didn't think I would agree to it. It's not horrible, but I have a page and a half so far of handwritten notes of questions and things I would like to change. I am looking at it right now as the worst case scenario. How is this hitting me emotionally? Good question, thanks for asking. Frankly, I'm still trying to figure that out. It didn't have nearly the impact it would've had 15 months ago when I was originally supposed to receive it. Part of me is just weary of being a married bachelor. Part of me is a little ticked that she can actually ask for some of this stuff and get away with it. Part of me realizes this is just another step of many in the process. I think I need to process this for awhile before I get together with my L and counter.

Last week, we had a doctor appointment for my S. It was a yearly checkup. We got into the discussion about his supposed "anger" issues. My W had to talk about it, but I don't see the issues at the level if at all that she does. The doctor recommended a C. I will work on getting something set up. Hopefully we can get to the point of the real issue. Noteworthy - the doctor did ask if he showed these issues around any particular person. The answer was OM.

Speaking of OM, my S indicated on the way to the doctor that he thought OM and W had broke up. On the way home, I asked him how he felt about it. He said he was kinda glad. He said he wanted Mom to be happy. I just told him it wasn't anybody's job but her own to make her happy.

Confession time: On a brilliant moment last Thursday night, I decided to go against my own advice and the advice of many on this MB, and I perused my W's FB page. I saw a ILY post on her wall from OM. No responses to it. So either they are still together or it was begging and pleading on his part. I also checked out his page. I noticed he has his employer listed as Farmville. He's also 7 years youngger than my W. Oh well, I shoudn't have gone there, but I did.

My W interrupted my weekend with my S this last weekend. She sent me a text asking for her W2s and 1099s (supposedly for the house) and asked if she could have my S for Sunday afternoon so he could visit with his favorite cousin. Seems like I always get ticked when she texts and asks for something. I thought it through, however, and agreed to let her have my S for Sunday afternoon. I'm going to need her to be flexible at times, too. I told her she could pick him up after church - then she wanted me to go to the earlier service. I finally thought that through and worked it out so I could take a 50 mile ride on Sunday afternoon.

Still GAL'ing of course. I took my S to a minor league playoff game on Sunday night. Last Thursday I went for a group bike ride. Yesterday was a solo ride, but it was still a nice day. 3 mile run last Wednesday morning.

[NTX_Dad]

jb - How's it going?

[jbnati]

jb - How's it going?

NTX, as always, thanks for checking in with me. I'll post a more thorough update when I'm able to. I've been really busy with GAL'ing and work has been keeping me extremely busy as well.

In a nutshell, I will meet with my L next Tuesday to go over the paperwork. In advance of that, I am going to try to get an email out to my L with my questions and changes.

Interactions with my W have been pleasant for the most part. Last week, we had a text argument. It boiled down to that I didn't like the way she was communication (or more appropriately not communicating) with me. What's different now is I am no longer afraid to call her out on it. (What's she going to do, D me?!?!) It would behoove us to work through these communication issues whether a miracle occurs and we end up back together or we are coparents.

[~ kd ~]

jb, just wanted to post a bit of a reality check here.

You indicated that you let your W have S for a Sunday and rationalized it as though you are being generous in advance of you needing her to be flexible on schedule in the future.

That is one thing I used to do and finally admit that any generosity on my part is generally not reciprocated.

I'm not saying to not be generous, I'm just saying don't expect reciprocation.

Hope you are doing well.

[~ kd ~]

oh, just to focus on this for a moment:

Interactions with my W have been pleasant for the most part. Last week, we had a text argument. It boiled down to that I didn't like the way she was communication (or more appropriately not communicating) with me.

Kimmerz wrote about that type of thing in her thread in MLC. Check it out, it's a more recent post.

Just to remind you that in our situations, the push/pull dynamic is still in play. Sometimes, maybe conscious... sometimes, maybe not so much...

It might feel good to point that stuff out to your W now and then. In the end though, it could very well be a pointless endeavour which will only be resolved if and when it is resolved, which will be entirely up to your W to choose to stop that cycle.

I've personally just given to the fact that it continues to be the "new norm" for my W. Maybe, one day, that will change.

[jbnati]

Thanks for stopping in, KD! It's good to hear from you.

You indicated that you let your W have S for a Sunday and rationalized it as though you are being generous in advance of you needing her to be flexible on schedule in the future.

That is one thing I used to do and finally admit that any generosity on my part is generally not reciprocated.

I'm not saying to not be generous, I'm just saying don't expect reciprocation.

I hear you, KD. The reason for rationalization was to quell my own anger. I was getting ticked about her jacking up my schedule. Of the two of us, I am without question the more structured one. I probably should have qualified that - she has been and continues to be very flexible and accommodating with me. I just got her to switch weekends with me with no issue last week.

oh, just to focus on this for a moment:

Interactions with my W have been pleasant for the most part. Last week, we had a text argument. It boiled down to that I didn't like the way she was communication (or more appropriately not communicating) with me.

Kimmerz wrote about that type of thing in her thread in MLC. Check it out, it's a more recent post.

Just to remind you that in our situations, the push/pull dynamic is still in play. Sometimes, maybe conscious... sometimes, maybe not so much...

It might feel good to point that stuff out to your W now and then. In the end though, it could very well be a pointless endeavour which will only be resolved if and when it is resolved, which will be entirely up to your W to choose to stop that cycle.

I've personally just given to the fact that it continues to be the "new norm" for my W. Maybe, one day, that will change.

The whole point of this is I had lived in fear for the last several years. I was afraid if I ticked my W off, she'd leave. I think we can all see now how well that worked for me. She left anyway! Now that I no longer have that fear and I've got nothing to lose, I have this new found freedom where I can speak my mind and state my position. I should have been doing this all along.

Another thing along the lines of communication. I think one thing I'm doing here, too, is setting expectations I've never had of her before. Not so sure how that's going to go. It's like she's never communicated that well before, how can I expect to force her to be a better communicator now? There are some things that are just common courtesy that unfortunately I am going to have to spell out for her, and I'll probably get mixed results.

[NTX_Dad]

jb - I can sense you are getting close to where I was. You seem to be more confident and empowered, and not afraid of the future no matter what happens. Good for you! This will be beneficial for you no matter what direction things go.

[jbnati]

jb - I can sense you are getting close to where I was. You seem to be more confident and empowered, and not afraid of the future no matter what happens. Good for you! This will be beneficial for you no matter what direction things go.

Thanks NTX. That sounds pretty accurate from my point of view. Really I find myself becoming less and less concerned with what my W thinks of who I am or what I'm doing. I'm more concerned with becoming the man I want to be and frankly, the man God wants me to be.

[jbnati]

Well, I was supposed to have an appointment with my L to go over the paperwork this morning. We had a scheduling mix up, and now we're rescheduled for this afternoon. I did send my L a list of 19 changes / questions on the document. I loathe dealing with this stuff, but I imagine it's a sick person who really enjoys dealing with this.

Every once in awhile, I get little nuggets of data about my W offered up by S. Apparently, she has backed out on the house she had made an offer on. That may be why she hasn't asked for the tax information again lately. Supposedly she had broken it off with OM, but she's also still hanging around with him. So who knows what the truth is? It really doesn't matter at this point, because she has not said anything at all about him. This is all just data right now.

We did have a major communication issue the last weekend she had my S. We have an informal agreement that my S would be home by 6 on Sunday evening when she has him. It got to 6:45 and I hadn't heard anything. I ended up initiating the text. She indicated they were going to have dinner and they were just leaving. She asked if 8:30 would be OK. I asked her to try to make it earlier if possible. Bottom line is the informal agreement isn't working for me and we need to formalize it for my sake.

I haven't let off the gas in the GAL'ing arena. I've been on several group rides, ran a 5K, met up with folks for dinner a couple of times, out tearing it up with my S :), keeping the Chipotle at school tradition up with my S, being a part of the church groups, and I'll go ahead and throw in some high speed go kart racing. I'm also planning on scraping up the funds to go back on the Belize mission trip again next February.

I saw my W once last week and had a brief interaction and I haven't seen her since. I did text with her last week and arrange to swap weekends with her so I can have my S this weekend for a father / kids campout at church (we actually have some land and woods at my church). She easily agreed but then followed up on why I didn't voluntarily give her any 'maintenance' this month. I laid out the financials - she had owed me some money. She seemed moderately satisfied with my explanation. Money was something I'd always handled anyway.