dear hopeful yes its hard to stop snooping. It has made me a wreck because he is lying. Now for me, I don't think I can live with this. I have been trying very hard. Now I don't want to ml and I am going to have to tell him why.
Well, if you look at my thread, you will see I somewhat snooped over the weekend and confronted my H and got some lies. I called him out on it and didn't get a denial but didn't get any further explaination. And I didn't ask for one. However, I don't think I have the history that you have.
I've told myself that I need to stop. I've never looked at his phone, just email and then something he had on his computer screen. The sneaking and lying shakes our confidence and we want to snoop more. But in the end, all we are doing is hurting ourselves. I know I am shaking when I snoop, even if I don't find anything, because I know it is wrong, even though I know H is not being 100% honest with me.
As hard as it is, focus on you. Try to find info online about surviving an A, and re-read the MLC and A sections of DR.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I know my h will be angry at me for snooping. But I am pretty unhappy with this going on. It's the same ow not a new one. How do I handle the ml issue?
Maybe wait a little bit so you don't react out of anger and try to gague what is going on, how you feel, etc. Beyond that, I don't really know how I would address it myself.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
H not talking to me today. He is at work but I texted and phoned. no answer. probably cuz i asked him about ow. D 22 can see I'm depressed. Trying to encourage me to go back to school. Didn't get a part in the play but i could work on the set. Thinkin about it. Trying to decide whether or not to tell H we should separate due to him breaking NC with ow. I'm suffering.
Rachael, Don't call or text him again. He knows you are trying to get in touch w/him. He also knows that you know about the contact w/the ow. He doesn't want to hear anything you have to say about it. Step back from the drama for a while and let the dust settle. It's best to let the dust settle and not discuss serious issues such as separation when you are depressed or angry. You both could say things that you can't take back later. Count to ten, walk around the block, but don't have the discussion about separation until you are calmer.
I'm sorry you didn't get the part in the play, but at least you can work on the set. Who knows...one of the actresses could drop out and you'll be there to step in...
Yes, you are suffering, but you need to pull yourself up straight and hold your head up high and do not allow this stuff to bring you down. You need to be strong...you don't want them to win, especially the ow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly I am having anxiety bad. I took a xanax. i only called about a phone bill. I am in bad shape tonight. I don't know if I can live with this. He wanted to know why I didn't go to excercise told him I was tired. He can tell I am depressed. I can't hide it. Like I said the priest told me to confront him. When I think about the deception it is killing me. How do I get over this?
Ok Rachael - Take a deep breath. All decisions should be made from a place of strength, not panic.
It's understandable if you feel you can no longer live with the deception. We all have our bottom lines and dealbreakers. BUT - even if that's true, that you have a reached a point where it's no longer tolerable - you want to breathe deep, think hard about your objectives, and then figure out what will get you the best result.
For example - if your goal is to shock him into reality (a dicey proposition, but sometimes successful - you shouldn't undertake it thought unless you're truly prepared for him to leave) - then fine, confront him with your evidence and ask him to pack his bags. Or better yet, greet him at the door with his bags already packed.
OR - more calmly - you could simply state, quietly and calmly, that you know he's still talking to her, and you don't plan to have any more unprotected sex with him because you don't want to catch any diseases from her.
Either way - are you ready to do this? Or do you need to get some financial ducks in a row first? Squirrel away money, visit a lawyer to learn your rights, make copies of all financial info and tax returns?
On the other hand - if your goal is to simply be done with him, if you have decided this is not acceptable behavior - consider whether it would be in your interest to keep your decision to yourself for a while so you can straighten out your financial situation.
Also - DO make sure you are absolutely sure of what's going on. MAke sure you're not jumping to the wrong conclusion (it sounds like you've got good evidence, but just be sure).
I had to talk to him this morning. He didn't have to work. i felt like I would have to go to the emergency room with this anxiety and torment if I held it in. I told him i was suffering with terrible anxiety and he asked if I talked to anyone. I told him I had to speak to him. I told him that I knew he was talking to her and he promised me not to.
He got very angry that I snooped but I kept to the issue of deception and lies. He claims they are now just friends and she has a boyfriend. That may be true but how do I know? He just kept saying "I can't believe you are doing this" I came back with "how could you do this when you promised not to?" "how can you look me and the kids in the face?" He had promised no more contact. He said he did NC for awhile then when he saw her they started talking. Thinks there is nothing wrong with that. Then when I told him, if that was so why hide it? He said because he knew I would react like this.
I told him this is a deal breaker for me. I cannot live with this! Told him he is doing nothing to save this marriage. He is so unrepentant, so defensive. So he wanted to know if I wanted to end the marriage. I said maybe we need to separate. I said if he wanted to be friends with her I'm done.
Went out to breakfast where I hardly ate. but we did talk about our marriage and the past. I was calm and so was he. He said he thought about separation and I asked why he didn't do that. Said he wasn't sure he wanted to. But I am not so sure. h said he may need a break and is too close to the situation at home. (not home that much) Compared our marriage to others and said we weren't like that. I told him i felt he didn't love me like those other h's loved their wives. We talked about why he got into the affair in the first place. Because I threatened divorce after a bad fight. I told him many times I asked to go to counseling and he wouldn't. I told him I felt just as bad as he did about our marriage but I didn't have the affair.
H won't go to speak with priest because he knows morally, he'll be called on the carpet. H wants to take a week for us to decide what to do. As I sit here I just don't know how he can rebuild trust for me. i don't think he wants to open all passwords and even so if he wants to keep in contact with OW he could do it and keep lying.
I am thinking that separation for now is what I may want. I don't trust h anymore. I think maybe what is hard for h is he will be exposed and have to tell his mom and dreads it. Says he's worried bout what my dad will think too. I think my dad can handle it. His mom? It will be pretty hard for her.
