Things are tough at the moment. You've been under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. Take steps toward getting out of that on all fronts and over time it will work out. One step at a time...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Irish - I'm sorry you're in this place. And sorry your ex's affair pulled the rug out from under you financially.
Now, though, is the time to get radical about your future. This may entail some serious out-of-the-box thinking. Read some good frugality websites to give you some ideas. (I like one called earlyretirementextreme - even though it's geared more towards a younger demographic, a lot of the ideas are still applicable to our single/divorced state. And it's a good reality check on how little people actually can live on if they work at it. It's loosely inspired by one of my all time favorite books, Your Money or Your Life.
Another great book is the Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn.
I don't know exactly what your finances are like (are you getting alimony? Do you have a job? Will you get equity out of the house when it sells?)
I get the feeling that you have been "stuck" - not just on the abandonment issues, but maybe also stuck, resisting the financial changes coming your way. I know a lot of women try so hard to keep things the same for the kids, they mess up their own finances in the process.
What are the biggest financial issues facing you right now? If you give us some more information, people may be able to come up with ideas for you. Just try not to get stuck, think outside the box.
(Funny, but I just had a version of this conversation today with my best friend. She's an artist and makes very little. She is raising an 11 year old son. She's so terrified by "lack", that she can hardly discuss her finances at all - even though she really needs to take some serious action to increase her earnings and/or lower her expenses. But she's stuck on the idea in her head, that she's an "artist" and can't make more money, and that skipping her lattes won't make any difference, and that only an unexpected windfall will ever change her life. Basically, she's just giving up instead of taking charge.
Meanwhile, I know for a fact that she could cut $400-500 a month out of her expenses without a radical change in lifestyle, and could easily add another $200-300 a month to her income with a little hustle.
Hugs and prayers headed your way. I am soo sorry you are feeling these pressures.
I know the pressures of finances well. The pressure of trying to keep everything "as it was". The pressures of rent, food, clothing, activities for the kids, etc.
What I found was that all of the worry, stress did NOTHING to help the sitch. What I found was that I (not XW, not kids), I and only I was holding on to a lifestyle a way of being that really represented my old life. What I found was that I needed to let it all go. Every single ounce of it!
I sat down one day and determine what I really needed to resolve - rent was the first, followed by food and basic needs. Then I started resolving each and every one. Made deals with creditors, paid stuff off, payment plans..and most importantly...I learned a huge lesson. I learned to say NO.
No to excess for the kids. NO to excess for MYSELF. No to eating out because I was too lazy to cook for me and the kids. I learned to "simplify" my life. I learned to do with less.
Once I learned this I was amazed at how quickly things turned around. Funny, we always doubt God and his ability to give us what we need when we need it and then when we look back we realized that we did it.
Focus on SOLUTIONS and NOT the obstacle in your way. Pffts… F those. YOU can do this!
Quote:
it is quickly unraveling.
Sometime that is a good thing. It forces you to “rewrap it” the way YOU want it to be wrapped.
Quote:
to keep my head up but I have failed.
YOU HAVE NOT FAILED! That is the old IB talking. You have not nor will YOU fail.
You are success IB….
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, Thanks for the perfect post...(everyone else's post was just as important:)) -
Snodderly, AJ, kml.....thank you so much for your support!
I have a really great job - truly I am blessed. I have just avoided saying "NO" to my kids, friends, family and it has caught up with me. It's an eye opener
Eric, you are right. I need to get back to the basics. Simplify...it is time...
My XH has taken on a bullying persona with this new gf and it has been a challenge. But I am over it...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Your welcome. You are an amazing lady and I still remember when you first arrived. You have made so much progress and you are so close to finally living for YOU.
Quote:
Simplify...it is time
Yep...it is time. Get rid of anything that holds YOU back from your new life. Everything.
Quote:
My XH has taken on a bullying persona
He will...know why? Cause you aint takin it no more. He can no longer bully you. YOu are becoming the women YOU wnat to be, not what he wants...finally....what you want.
Think Mel Gibson in Braveheart.....
FREEDOMMMMMMMMMMMM!
YOu are free IB!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well I successfully rented a 1-bedroom apartment that overlooks the river. It is in a very old building and it's very small - but it is a perfect place for me to finally - finally heal. It's very reasonable rent and it is safe.
Next step.....:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
IB, Congratulations on your new home. This is the first step of beginning your new life. You can decorate it to your taste and create new memories. Your xh won't be able to bully you about anything you do or don't do once you have moved.
A new world is out there waiting for you! Go for it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
