"...Impossible day-to-day - but for 20-30 mins at a time, possible."
And so is that what "marriage" is to you and your H? 20 mins. of sex? No real intimacy or tackling the tough issues? The part I worry is that the euphoria of all this will wear off in a couple of months and then you're going to be left standing exactly where you were when you first started and he'll take off with his GF whom I'm sure he's been feeding info to.
What's your timeline? How long until you introduce some kind of C or retreat for the two of you?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Not what marriage is to me, just the only connection I have to my H right now. I know it's not the "right way" to connect, but it's what I've been grasping onto.
Given what I have learned and what we have been through, from my POV, we will never be back to where we were before...
I have no timeline. H's IC said if I truly mean what I say then in 6 months I still will - seems to be his timeline...
I would love to see a MC together and any retreats I've seen are really far from where we live. But he won't do any of that if he's still in R with OW. So I wait, patiently...
Waiting, waiting, waiting..... It's a friggen great test in patience.
I think that you could really progress that timeline if you let go of that sexual attachment to him..
Do you feel like you are getting stuck in friendville? I am feeling that today and since our sitch's are somewhat similar was wondering what your take on that is in your sitch.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Mandy, FYI, I thought being intimate with my H would help us reconnect-that was last year. I didn't know he was having an A. Lots of intimacy but no reconnection. This time around, no intimacy at all. And you know what? I'm very glad I chose this route. He adjusted to me saying no, and I stopped feeling like trash every time we did it and he left me to go back to his place. Think about it.
All I've been doing is thinking...and attempting to keep some physical distance from H this week. If we can make it through the weekend, it'll be a week since our last "hook up".
He is considering more and more being single for awhile...He misses the life he had late-spring...before OW and before my change of heart...lots of time with friends, more social, exercising, happy & at peace.
He said he's seen me, more than anyone else in his circle of friends within the past 2 weeks. That makes me happy & sad.
Speaking of friends, H told 2 more of his friends yesterday about the whole sitch - well, most of the story...Widening the 'trusted' circle...maybe testing the waters...Trying hard to NOT read too much into that!
It's already been 5 weeks since I told him that I want us to work on our M...that I'm ready to take my part of the blame for the troubles...that I am willing to do the work! I am in this for the long-haul, but does time ever move slowly in limbo?!?
Weird day today on a personal front too - worse because I'm over-emotional. One friend announces she is ready to leave her H while another announces her engagement - and asks me to be matron of honor!
Mandy, your H's statements sound like my H's. He would say he really enjoyed being single. But now he says he's ready to "date" other women, and that being officially married is a turn off. The physical distance is what you need, or you can still see him and do fun stuff, casual stuff, but no "hookups." Try to keep the conv away from the relationship. My H was saying he wanted to be single for over a year, so five weeks seem like nothing (now.) In the past, a day seemed too long. Like someone said on this board, our S's new behaviors soon become the "new normal." Yes, it stinks. I know... Hang in there.
Thanks for asking - trying to balance life, work and love.
H and I have been chatting almost every day on the phone, which he initiates He says it is nice to be talking like this. And he's as glad as he's not that we're being 'good'.
He accepted my help the other day when his car had to go to the garage. It was going to be a lengthy appointment and he didn't want to wait at the garage. I offered to pick him up and bring him home, then come back and drop him off to pick it up again. It was nice to be helpful.
But on the downside, I got kinda mad the other day. I just couldn't take anymore talk about OW. He was telling me that she was dropping by - and I can't. She was bringing him supper - and I can't. I just got upset. It was an overemotional day to begin with (packing up wedding stuff), plus throw in a few hormones for good measure...but I think he finally heard me. And I made a good point, I'm sure that he doesn't talk about me when he talks to her...
Their 'pause' is ongoing - not sure how long a 'pause' can last...
He's been sick for a few days, so I haven't really seen him. (that helps with the being good!) But I did get to visit yesterday for a few minutes - it was his Birthday. I brought him his card, which I left for him to open after I'd gone.
It was difficult to choose a card - Husband/friend vs. romantic/funny. I decided to go with romantic but not H. When I found 'the' card, it just felt right! He thanked me for the card and reminded me that he still needed time to let things settle.
He is hoping once the house is sold and he moves into my current apartment that he will have some time to just 'be'...And I agree, he needs some downtime - too much happening, all at the same time. He hasn't really had any time to process all this.
One backslide will not likely be the end to the positive. Let it go and keep moving forward.
Otherwise, it all sounds awesome. Yes, give him what ever time / space he might need and in the same hand, keep doing what you are doing. It appears to be working.
Just keep ignoring any bad behaviour and praise / encourage good behaviour.
Agree. He's not pulling away from you, and this is a great sign. Things take a long time, so continue being patient. What I don't understand if the "pause" in his R with the OW. They're still seeing each other and she brings him dinner? I totally understand why you can't take it. Would you agree to him moving in with you when this OW still is in the picture? Make sure you are both ready to move back in together.
