Hoping it's not too late

[MandyRwaw]

NOT detaching was part of my 180 and GAL was never a problem - during our R or during the S. Even today, my life goes on...

Only once did I stay home to 'hope' to hear from H. The next day I gave my head a shake and went on leading my life.

Hope comes and goes...I'm hopeful then he says something about OW...

I wonder how long a R can be "paused"...

[MandyRwaw]

Two steps forward and one big step back!

H shared yesterday that he hasn't been eating well. Take-out for breakfast and then usually skipping lunch and sometimes supper too.

So today we're chatting about when we should meet again. And if it should involve fooling around, when he says he has enjoyed us NOT fooling around...

So I say "I'm easy to please - more time doing nothing is fine with me. How about supper? I can make sure you have a decent meal"

And he PANICS!

He doesn't feel he can take that step as long as he's with OW. And he's not sure he's ready to end that yet...

And I finally see, there I go pressuring him again...In my mind, I was trying to be helpful, trying to be sweet - to make sure he is eating. And he sees it as me asking for more than he is willing to give.

I feel bad, that wasn't what I meant to do...

[Just A Guy]

I hear you Mandy... It's tough to balance pulling back while there is still so much of you that wants to be totally available for your spouse. It is hard to pull back while loony together. That's been the hardest thing for me so far I can only imagine how hard it is when you don't get to see each other that often and you crave it.

I keep going back to when you told me that just let her go and do her thing because her head is just not in it right now. I think the same applies to you here. Let him go and do his own thing, him saying he is not ready for that step just means he is not ready. You and I both have not heard anything like "we are never goin to work out" so why are we so worried about all these little things? They just distract us from our ultimate goal of fixing our own problems.

[sandi2]

Mandy, I'm usually quick to try and give support to a WAW who comes here. However, I've been quite to your thread and once I say what I've said, I won't bother you anymore.

I don't think you can see what you're doing. Now, I'm certainly not telling you that you don't love your H. I'm not saying that at all. But, if your H had not gotten involved with OW, and if he was still trying to get you to R with him.....you would not feel the same urgency. I doubt if you would even have the desire to R, if he had continued to pursue you. But he didn't. He stopped and moved on with another woman. Between us girls.....we know that makes him look much better than he did before. Each time he refuses to break it off with her, it causes your desire to grow. Okay, so you may not want to admit that part, but sweetheart you have to stop putting pressure on the man!

Why didn't you respond to what Mr. Bond said in his last couple of posts? You know why. B/c you don't want to face it. Didn't your mother talk to you about girls like that? I bet she did, and if you had a little girl, you'd not want her having sex with a man who was with OW. That's crazy!

Years ago, there was a young woman here who was in a stitch a bit like yours, only she had two kids by her H. She tried different things and finally started to have sex with her LBH. But he was having sex with his OW, too. Know what? As long as she was willing to put out, he was willing to partake. But in the end, he went with the OW. I'm not saying your H will go with his OW, but I'm saying that he will want to have sex as long as you're willing to put it out there free for the taking. That.....or else he'll decide the OW is more valuable and he doesn't want to lose her. Be the woman who is the most valued by him. Yes, he is very confused right now, but you stand a good chance of losing all his respect.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this isn't the way, Mandy. If he did go back to you.....this "passion" would fizzle before the week was out, b/c it's the competition that's putting the passion there.

Please take care of yourself.

[MandyRwaw]

Thank you Sandi for your message. I respect the wisdom of your advice.

I started to feel that I missed my H when he stopped pursuing, got a life and seemed happy - not because he started to date OW. The feelings started a good 3 weeks before I knew of OW...But I can't prove that, so it makes things difficult to explain to H.

I admit, the feelings were intensified when I learned of OW and I tried to cut ties and let him go. But he kept asking if I had regrets and eventually, I told him the whole story.

He is also concerned if I "win", things will change and that's one reason he is waiting...I try to remind him that it isn't me or her - it's what he wants...it's not a game! Not for me...

As for the sex, he says that any intimacy he had with OW stopped when we started fooling around. I believe him. He already shared that the sense of passion was missing from new R, so it makes sense.

I've felt that the sex was reminding him of what we used to have... The way we were before "life" got in the way and we didn't deal with it. It's been fun to walk down that memory lane...

I hope that he doesn't see me having sex with him as me being loose or cheap, because it's been amazing.

Plus I asked my IC (and he's asked his) about pursuing this side of our R, both were encouraging. We are still M and sex is an important part of our R that went missing. They warn us, like you and Mr Bond, that it will slow down once we are past this phase, but it's otherwise healthy. So yes, I've been leaning towards their advice more than not. Partly because it's what I want to hear and another part is that I hope they know what they're talking about!

And when he says he has enjoyed NOT doing it, it gives me hope that there can be more. Maybe he just needs more time to heal and to see what I say is what I mean...

[MrBond]

"As for the sex, he says that any intimacy he had with OW stopped when we started fooling around. I believe him. "

Then he's not being fair to his GF. He's cheating on her.

"I hope that he doesn't see me having sex with him as me being loose or cheap, because it's been amazing."

It's called Hysterical Bonding. You're feeling the rush because it's not right and he feels the thrill of cheating on his GF.

What does he consider you? I mean you are his W but he has a GF. I know you treated him like crap before, but he's going to have to make a decision or else he's just being a d@ck to his GF.

[MandyRwaw]

She gave him a "pause" in their R for him to feel free to do whatever he needs to do to figure himself out.

So we don't feel like he's cheating. Maybe taking advantage of the situation, but not cheating...

Not sure how long she'll let this "pause" idea of hers go on. It's been 2 weeks today.

[Am I Too Late]

I am grateful to read your story Mandy. My WAW has been gone exactly 7 months today and i wish she had 1 percent of the personal insight as you do, by realizing your what part you played in the down hill slide of your marriage.

I am still on moderation, so when my topic gets posted, i would appreciate both your insight a d sandys.

Thank You,

Ed

[MrBond]

You know, of course, that you only know what he told you. Have you ever met her face to face since this "pause"? I don't know any woman who would let a guy she was seeing do the nasty with their ex and still wait around for him.

Still doesn't make it fair for her.

[MandyRwaw]

You're right, I only know what he tells me.

From what I know it was defined that I was to pretend she doesn't exist...Impossible day-to-day - but for 20-30 mins at a time, possible.

I believe him and that's on me. I would be surprised if he has become a liar throughout this process - it's just not my H.