My son doesn't know. He also doesn't have a good relationship with h. Sometimes h is good with him, but my son sometimes hates his dad and thinks dad hates him. H has never been one to spend alot of time with the kids.
Well, you might think this is stupid but i got the password to h's other email acct. and lost it. I went to an old car show near the house and ow was there with another guy. I don't think she knows me but I stood far away. H was at the boat. I may have lost paper there. Good lord, what was I thinking? Hunted high and low for paper which was big and had a phone no for email. Hope no one finds it. I am becoming a damn stalker. Ow lives on other side of town too.
I totally get how hurtful it is that your h is having an inappropriate relationship with another woman. Don't jump to conclusions. The relationship is in appropriate but the only way he will stop is if he sees that he is missing out on the real prize.
Focus on hobbies and your kids. If your finances are okay, spend money on yourself like you never have. Pay for a class or lessons.
I don't think you should poke the bear.
Use these weeks before the wedding to really focus on you and being happy. You have a great wedding with friends to look forward to don't let his depression drag you down.
Before I found db I was so looking forward to a wedding we were going to together. I thought it would bring us back together. It didn't work. He acted very distant at the event. He drank too much and then I engage in a relationship talk. Big mistake.
Enjoy the wedding with you and your friends not necessarily with him. If he was to particapate in the happy day let him but don't force him to celebrate like I did.
I just wouldn't stop poking him, "why are you so grumpy - this is a wedding?"
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
H is not real grumpy right now. just super busy. no time for family as usual. Same old excuse. that he had things to do. Doesn't do much around the house. He does pay the bills although he is late alot. I am the one depressed. H promised he wasn't seeing her and lied.
I totally get how hurtful it is that your h is having an inappropriate relationship with another woman. Don't jump to conclusions. The relationship is in appropriate but the only way he will stop is if he sees that he is missing out on the real prize.
Thank you, Bklyn, for pointing this out. You just refocused my energy! I am supposed to be showing H I am the real prize.
Hang in there Rachael. I deal with an H that is grumpy one mintue and nice the next. I would agree with not poking the bear.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Well - what can be done to help your son? My kids were 17, 18 and 22 when the split happened - definitely it affected them all. Not least of the problems was that so much of OUR energy was going towards each other, that the kids didn't get as much help with the problems they were having at that time, as they would have if we had not been splitting.
So - maybe for you, right now, the solution is to stop focusing on your H and OW - just accept that whatever happens is going to happen and you are not in control of that (nor do you necessarily know what the best outcome will be - for instance, I thought I knew for sure the best outcome would be my H coming to his senses and staying in the marriage - but now that he's been gone 3 1/2 years, I can honestly say it was the best thing for ME that he left). Instead, put your focus onto helping your son grow to manhood. (Also, fyi, at that age boys often butt heads with their dads, even when the relationship is a good one - there's a certain amount of testosterone-fueled head-butting that goes on).
Also, put your focus onto being the best YOU that you can be.
Yes, i am so depressed right now. I need to put the focuse on me. very difficult. I was thinking that we never had a good marriage for a long time. Trouble from the get go. h very driven to do his own thing. Not as family oriented as I wished. Not to say I had no faults and did contribute to the breakdown but I never had my proper place in this marriage. Now he has proven himself to be a liar. That's really killing me.
My girls are 22 and 20. They know about the first incidence with ow. Not about this one. oldest daughter says our family is screwed up. Oldest son 31 doesn't know. He is from my first marriage. Infidelity in that one as well. I believe I don't want to live with H now but I have to wait. Try and get son 18 to finish school and graduate. He wants to go into the army.
I know, the lying is so much worse than the cheating, isn't it?
Now - if your plan is to stay for this year and get S18 through high school - how about making a priority list, a plan for what you're going to work on?
Include: 1) Strategies for helping S18. Does he need tutoring, nutritional support, exercise, a vacation away with you? What do you think will help him the most? What are the best times to chat with him? What can you do to give him more time, attention and support?
2) Self-improvement - no matter WHAT happens with your marriage, you will be happier a year from now if you have done things to help yourself be healthier, stronger, clearer, more competent. What are the areas you need to work on, and what is your plan for achieving your goals?
3) Self-care - this is a very stressful situation you are trying to tolerate. Getting out and having some FUN is important. Also, it can help to have some big goal or project to focus on outside the marriage (when my H first had an affair, I concentrated on training to climb Mount Whitney. When he left years later (after several years of successful reconciliation) I bought a drum kit and learned to play the drums in a rock band. What is there that you dream of doing but have been too scared to try? You've got nothing to lose now!
4) Financial peace - now is the time to start figuring out where you stand financially, and think about contingency plans for your financial security should you end up separating in the future. If there are debts, start practicing frugality and get them paid down. Stash some emergency cash somewhere. If you're not working, consider getting training for a career. If you are working, consider how you might improve your income.
Thanks kml Suffering yes, the lying is maddening because how can I ever trust him again? I am planning on seeing a lawyer about what legal separation entails.
I talked to sons counselor today. He hates school and does the bare or less minimum. So I have to contact the teachers and get tutoring. I am going to try to stay through the end of this year at least. Your advice is true galing is necessary but hard right now. Not eating or sleeping well. Got a whopping big debt under both names because we got a better deal at my credit union. I will talk to lawyer about it.
My job is with a lady with alzheimers only one day a week and every other sat. The pay is great but being with her makes my depression worse. She is getting more ornery now. My husband is making comments like "oh it would be nice if you got more hours" My counselor said maybe it's so he doesn't have to pay alot of alimony.
Not sure what I want to do but I don't think I want to caregive anymore. Maybe work at a hardware store cuz I like tools. Pay won't be that great though. supposed to try out for a play this week.
