Hoping it's not too late

[MandyRwaw]

If only... he's not at that point yet.

He won't spend any time with me unless we're fooling around...

[MrBond]

That tells you alot.

[AnotherStander]

I finally asked him if we could try to spend some time together "outside" the bedroom and he says he's not ready yet. He says he feels weird about it - on one hand, he's still married and on the other, still in a new relationship.

That is just completely bizarre reasoning. He feels weird about going for a walk or dinner because he's in a new relationship, but sleeping with you is A-OK. That says a lot about his character.

My gut tells me he is afraid to feel more and I told him as much. He's still not sure if he can trust me, I tell him that it will take time.

If you're actively DB'ing then it would be a good idea not to tell him what you think he's feeling. If he wants to talk about his feelings then by all means empathize with him, but don't start the conversation, let him.

My gut tells me he is afraid to feel more and I told him as much. He's still not sure if he can trust me, I tell him that it will take time. He's still undecided, but talks about what people would think/say if we were to reconcile.

Wow, he must have self-esteem issues if something as important as reconciling his marriage is dependent upon what other people would think.

He talks about what life would be like together - both good and bad scenarios. When he thinks about what it would do to OW, he gets upset and blames himself for moving on too quickly.

Well he's going to hurt someone regardless, either you or the OW. And he will be hurt regardless too. I think I mentioned earlier in your thread that this is my greatest fear- that I will move on, start a new relationship and then my WAW will want to reconcile. That's why I've decided to give her some time.

As I left yesterday morning, we said we were going to take a few days break, but then he sends me an email last night to see if I wanted to come over...I had other plans, so he wrote back it was probably for the best...

Good! That is good DB'ing, be mysterious and not always available. Let him wonder what you're thinking and doing.

PS: Just for fun, I just counted the emails he sent me today.

25 in less than 12 hours...Not one yesterday...It's so messed up

Classic distance/ pursue behavior. He's testing you to see if you'll contact him. He wants you to. It's a form of control. Don't take the bait!

PS, I submitted this message last night and it looks like it got hung up, so I'm submitting it again. Sorry if it shows up twice (I won't know until these posts are approved).

[MandyRwaw]

Journaling

I have no willpower. I caved last night and again today...

We start talking about how good it is and he asks and I say yes.

Last night was a little different...I was ready to "jump" right in and he said 'wait, I want to hold you first'.

And tonight he asked me to email him when I know I'll be in town to visit, maybe I could come by...

I sent him a message after our rendez-vous of this afternoon (middle of his workday I might add) and told him that I should no longer spend time with him in the bdr if he doesn't want to spend time with me outside of it.

He replies that he understands and he will try to respect us both more. Then, three hours later, another sex-charged email and subsequent phone call...We were on the phone over an hour!

I have to be strong, but it isn't easy to say NO...I was successful in saying no tonite, but not sure I can be this strong next time...

[MrBond]

So it depends on you. He can either treat you like a hooker (just for sex) or he can treat you like a woman is supposed to be treated. The physical stuff is going to be the first thing to go. You're just going through the hysterical bonding period.

Next time you start talking about your issues first before jumping into bed.

[MandyRwaw]

Hmmmm....

So we had to sign for the house to be listed with realtor this morning. First of all, signing together is a huge step forward. When the house originally was listed after I left, he wouldn't sign with me. He asked the realtor at that time to meet with us separately.

H took opportunity to bring something from the house (that belongs to my parents) to the apartment. He then helped me bring things from storage up to my apartment. And he invited himself in, asked for something to drink and sat down.

Then he toured around the apartment a bit, because when the house sale is final he is assuming my apartment. (I know weird, but reality) He was trying to picture his "stuff" here.

He stayed for almost 2 hours and we didn't fool around. We were very tempted and we talked about it, but he left without anything happening.

Progress???

[Just A Guy]

Process yes... Keep that up, I just took a huge backstop a few days ago and it hurt. Make sure you set the precidence and stick to it. Show him you are ready to move on with or without him.
Let me explain it in A different light. What you are doing is akin to telling a child no video games until they finish their homework. Then 5 minutes later letting them play the video game with out finishing their homework.

Now if you repeat this with the kid for weeks on end do you think that child is going to learn anything or take you seriously? Or are they goin to think less of you and disrespect you and think of your rules as a joke...

Every time you backslide with H you let him know that you are weak and he can do what ever he wants with no consequences. NOT the message you want to send him!!!

[MandyRwaw]

More journaling:

H has admitted he is very bitter because of the move. I try to remind him that even if we were together, the move would be happening. I've asked him to try to separate the moving from our R. Yes, it isn't convenient for this all to be happening at the same time - but they are two separate events.

He is VERY attached to our house. Whenever I'd applied for promotions, he was reluctant to leave the house. That's part of why I felt like I had no support when I was unsuccessful in those applications...he always seemed relieved that we wouldn't have to move...

He keeps reminding me of what his IC said - that if my feelings are real, they will still be there 6 months from now. Yesterday, he even said "One month down". It's like he's keeping track. And that's OK - I'm in this for the long-term. 6 months is nothing to wait. It took me more than that to realize that I want him and our M.

He hopes that he will have an easier time to deal with all this once I move away. It will be easier for him to detach. He says part of him wishes we would squeeze in as much sex as possible over the next 2 weeks because once I move, it will be rare.

I know - "believe none of what they say"! But it's hard on the head just the same...

[Just A Guy]

Wow, I would LOVE to squeeze in some sex lol.... I think if you keep detaching and gettin your own life then he will come around. I am not holding as much hope as yesterday, and I think you should be holding more hope.

[MandyRwaw]

Me again!

So I've gotten some face time w/H without any nookie - about 4 hours in the last 2 days. It's nice to spend time together...

I'm not reading too much into it as it's mostly conversations about the move, house and the messed up sitch we're in. A little cuddling and a few kisses - but no getting naked!

I went over to the house tonite, I knew he'd had a hard day. I wanted to support him. I know how hard it is for him to leave that house...

It was difficult not to give in to temptation. I knew it would make him feel better - but I also knew that the feeling would be short lived. He says sex is just sex, but unless he's done some major 180s - that's not him. He's just not that guy.

He always questioned my 'loose' morals, because I could have had sex without love. He couldn't and to my knowledge, hasn't.

He asked me today why I am fighting for HIM? Why don't I take advantage of the move and just move on?

So I told him! It's because of who he is - the funny, sexy, handsome, smart man he is. Because it's him I want to spend my life with. And then tonight, while we were talking about the sale of the house, I asked him if I could add something to that list - because he feels like home. That's why the house being sold doesn't matter as much to me. He is where home is. (BTW: Our song is "Feels like home".) And then he reminded me that is what he said in January, when I was leaving...so messed up!